Jersey Shore is back, bitches, for what (MTV) promises to be the dramatic conclusion to the three-year, six-season run that's given us more ferris wheel montages than Paris Jackson's childhood at the Neverland Ranch. So, why is it ending? I mean, let's be real, that Shore house isn't cheap and Danny, boss man at the Shore Store, probably requires a hefty paycheck. Don't blame New Jersey Governor Chris Christie for the demise of our precious guidos and guidettes. Blame things like aging, sobriety, and of course, pregnancy.
Let's get down to business and we get caught up on what everyone's been up to during the off-season.
• Ronnie (who still has that laugh) and Sammi (who claims to have matured) are back together. Hopefully that won’t affect their airtime.
• JWOWW is now living with then-boyfriend Roger Mathews and is in a serious boot phase. She and Rog seem happy together, so it's kind of boring. Hopefully someone cheats on someone later in the season. though it's looking doubtful cause they just recently announced their engagement in "real life".
• Deena Nicole really wants us to notice that she's lost some weight. Unfortunately, what Deena's lost in pounds, Vinny's lost in muscle. He looks like he goes to the gym a normal amount of time, which compared to his juiced-up comrades, seems a bit lazy.
• Pauly D is still searching for a storyline.
• The Situation is fresh out of rehab, now runs four miles a day, and has quit smoking. This is a lot to digest, but don't worry, it's going to get talked about ad nauseum for the rest of the episode.
• Snooki is having a baby.
So everyone's packing up their designer stuff in designer luggage and saying goodbye to their parents, who look on expressionless. As they pack, MTV runs JWOWW's Long Island Medium audition tape where she predicts another summer of drama. Drama, let it be known, she does not want. Also, JWOWW's new pink ombre hair color seemed to snake higher and higher up her hair as the episode continued on, which may or may not have been my imagination.
The gang reunites back at the house and pretend that they haven't spoken in months and have no idea what each other are up to. We’re reminded of MTV’s fondness for twin beds, as the roommates choose roommates. Deena parades her thinness around but nobody really seems to care (except Sitch, of course). She has a boyfriend now who has a pierced ear and she's a whole new woman, ready to just do her. Mike, in an effort to rescind upon the five seasons he’s spent systematically ruining every friendship in the house, starts cooking up family dinner. Pauly ponders to the confessional whether a newly sober Mike can bring back the days of MVP. Vinny comments on Snooki’s big pregnancy boobs, asking if there’s milk in them. Snooki’s response: “Jionni said he tasted milk.” Let’s eat!
After dinner, Mike does his apology spiel. Ronnie gives him one of those handshakes that become a hug because Ronnie is a man of peace and a man of muscle. Snooki says she can forgive, but she can't forget. Come on, Snooks, you just gotta! JWOWW, to no one’s surprise, is going to wait and see.
The gang head over to Danny's t-shirt shop because apparently MTV is still making them work there and pretend that they need money. If crazy hijinks ensued at the t-shirt shop, like, I don't know, a group of bikers came and stole Sammi’s purse, fine, maybe I could justify this as something more than a change of venue, but until that happens, the t-shirt stop needs to not be a thing. Sorry, Danny. On the other hand, Snooki's Terry Richardson inspired glasses look chic to the max lev. Snooki's maternity stylist deserves a shout out because girl looks better than ever. May she always be pregnant.
The next morning, everyone heads to the KS Fitness. Mike makes it “awkward” by trying too hard in his effort to win back Snooki’s love. The gang then heads over for a tan. Paula, Mike's girl, who I guess is from a previous season, shows up because she works at the tanning salon. The girls then go and have salads and Deena has a breakdown because she misses her pierced-ear boyfriend … like a lot. Like, you have no idea how hard it is. Remind me not to have whatever she’s having.
Once home, summer officially starts, cause Deena has fallen off the hammock. Probably because she was checking underneath of it to see if her pierced-ear boyfriend was there Turns out, the only thing down there was the severe tan lines beneath her buttocks.
So now that they've had a family dinner and done the whole day routine, there's only one thing left to do: KARMA. But first, can we do a "getting ready" montage? We can. Can Vinny drop his towel? He can. Though MTV blurs it out, they can't blur out our imaginations. Snooki, meanwhile, has curled her hair and is off to her Karma-less date with baby daddy, Jionni.
Cabs are here, Ronnie still finds that funny, we get to Karma, and everything makes sense again. But everyone’s missing Snooki hard. Inside Karma, Vinny's convinced he's smashed every girl there (Note: Smashed = Past-tense of smoosh). Cut to: Snooki and Jionni's boring "adult" date; he's wearing Armani Exchange.
Luckily, we’re whisked back to Karma and it’s time to “cheers bitches!” Now for the big dramatic question: Can Mike stay sober his first night out? Some DTF chick approaches from the haze suggesting he get a drink. The Situation, not wanting to create a situation, politely declines. his chick thinks that's real, real cool. If possible, she's even more DTF with his refusal. As the dancing escalates, we cut back to Snooki’s boring date. Jionni has gotten up to talk to some friends, so a slow zoom out begins on an abandoned Snooki, a girl left wondering what she’s going to do with this life of childbearing solitude.
Thought we were done? You must be joking. MTV is giving us a double dose, so on to episode two where we find ourselves cutting back and forth between Karma and the most boring date since an episode of The Bachelorette. At one point, Snooki and Jionni literally talk about how boring they are.
Back at Karma, Ronnie and Sammi get into a fight. Ronnie’s wasted and tells her a million girls can do what she does. I don't want to know what it is she does. Something that she does do, that I hope Ronnie isn’t referencing, is dance as though she’s on a rocking boat. Once the fight escalates or dissipates, who knows the difference, attention turns once again to Ms. Deena.
Deena’s boyfriend with a pierced ear shows up, triggering Deena to start crying yet again. She’s also wearing a ring that glows. eena reveals she’s having an identity crisis. Chris (the name of Deena’s ear-pierced lover) actually seems like a decent guy. Chris suggests they go eat and Deena stops crying immediately. The gang heads over to “The Original” Steaks Unlimited, DTF chicks in tow. Mike declares he might be having more fun sober. Honestly, good for him, no sarcasm. All finished, everyone begins the walk home and Deena cries a bit more as some DTF chick in a halter top smokes in the background.
Back at the Shore house, Ronnie is drunk and steals someone’s blanket. Sammi tells him he can’t do that. This is what makes her a sweetheart. Mike and Pauly, meanwhile, have real problems. Pauly’s girl, while still DTF, has her period. It’s revealed that according to The Swag Handbook, Rule Number 667: You can’t have sex with a girl on her period unless … she’s your girl … for a minute. This is a really helpful guideline for young people, so I’m glad they included it in the episode. They make plans to seal the deal at a future date and do a bro-hug to a “good exit.”
Next morning, Mike wakes up “excellent.” Deena decides to skip the gym. JWoww feels like someone punched her in her eye. And Ronnie is throwing up. Sammi reveals that she lets Ronnie’s “mean stuff” go in one ear, out the other, which is similar to how many viewers deal with SamRon’s “stuff.” At brunch, holes are filled in about the night before so Ronnie can pretend not to remember the names he called Sammi.
On the lower patio (is that what you call it), Vinny’s busy polishing his shoes, so Deena decides to take this as an opportune moment to declare that Chris, her boyfriend (you know, the one with the pierced ear) is a part of her. It’s all very Katy Perry. Vinny, frustrated with the attention she’s sucking from his shoes, fires back that she and Chris are two separate people. He breaks down the difference of the two different kinds of unhealthy relationships. I found it direct and enlightening.
The weather is shitty so Mike puts his bangs down and everyone sits around to chat about Snooki, who’s busy bedazzling the beanbag, pretending that she’s not richest of the lot. Snooki is not thrilled with Vinny’s repeated digs, so the next day, fresh off the success of the bedazzled beanbag, Snooki heads to work to shake it off. Having realized the night before that being in this house is not going to be a good idea for a little baby, she decides to approach Danny about other options. She wants to see if there might be any other houses, something a bit more private, where she and unborn baby Lorenzo can hole up for the summer. He has to think about it … real hard … but then realizes he does have that one bedroom house on the beach that wound up mysteriously vacant for the summer. Oh, and it’s next door. She could move in there! How conveniently perfect.
Mike, meanwhile, reveals to Vinny that he finds himself early in the morning staring into the ocean and smiling. He’s so much more in the moment when he’s sober. Vinny says that he also tries to live his life in the moment. This affirms an unbreakable bond. At the bar down the way, Deena and JWOWW get wasted and this time, Denna doesn’t cry. Will JWOWW be Deena’s new meatball? We’ll have to stay tuned.
Time to eat once again. This time, it’s a Sunday dinner feast. Sammi, holding a red cup, asks if you put the chicken back in the thing or do you wash it. The boy’s are dismissive and she’s Sammi’s version of offended. At dinner the topic heats up when JWOWW asks everybody about their first time having sex. Everyone lost their virginity in a car. Vinny takes this moment to reveal that he’ll be celibate this summer. He also takes this moment to reveal that he jerked off in the shower that morning. Snooki silences the laughter to announce that she’ll be moving out and living on her own Everyone’s really sad, but understanding. Sammi takes another swig from that red cup.
After dinner, let the games begin. Vinny gathers everyone in a circle and they throw invisible Chinese darts at each other. Some band that MTV will put on some countdown fades in as smiles and laughter engulf the house. What a summer awaits us!
Jersey Shore airs Thursdays at 10 p.m. ET/PT on MTV.
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