Every die-hard fan knows that even a meh episode of Jersey Shore is better than no episode at all — which is exactly why the reunion, despite being a glamorized clip-show of our fave Season 3 moments, was a welcomed nugget of car-crash-TV joy at the end of a brutally long week (why isn't it the weekend — or summer! — yet?). So the reunion wasn't exactly filled with shocking reveals, insider scoop, or really anything that we didn't already know — but there were definitely a few OMG moments that all the Jersey Shore fanboys and fangirls will be talking about today:
Money Can't Buy You Class — But It Can Buy You a New Face
It's been about 7 months since Season 3 wrapped up shooting, and we couldn't help but notice that, at the reunion, several of the familiar faces looked, well, not so familiar. And even though we shouldn't be gossiping or speculating — it's mean-spirited and snarky! — we're damn-well gonna do it anyway. First up: what the F was going on with the artist formerly known as Jenni's face? Girlfriend looked like she got smacked around pretty damn hard with the Botox stick, right? But really, Jenni's Nicole Kidman impression was nothing compared to the Oompa-Loompa nightmare that was Pauly D's face. Seriously, we didn't even know that shade of orange existed. And those teeth! — oh, don't even get us started on those teeth. It's possible that his neon-orange face just made his chompers appear extra dazzling-white by comparison, but we'd bet anything that Pauly forked over heaps of cash for the biggest damn set of capped teeth we've ever seen.
Sorry, Snooki & Vinny Shippers!
For all of you hopeless romantics who were desperately praying for Vinny and Snooki to take their lusty flirtations to the next level, all we can say is: it ain't gonna happen! — not anytime soon, at least. When grilled by the (mostly inept) hostess, Julissa Bermudez, Snooki asserted that Vinny's jack-hole behavior at the end of Season 3 pretty much Jersey Turnpiked over any luke-warm feelings she may have had for him. And sure, Snooks may currently be hot and heavy with her juicehead boyfriend, Jionni (um, and why didn't she even bring him up during the reunion. Is she ashamed of him? Is he not guideo enough?), but we dunno — we're just not completely sold that the Vinny/Snooki love connection is dead in the water. There were some pretty fond gazes during the reunion, we have to say. Maybe a romantic canal ride in Venice next month will finally push these two lovebirds over the edge.
The Guido Doth Protest Too Much
Woah, Mike totally didn't like being called "The Snitchuation," "The Instigator," or any of the other nicknames his two-faced, manipulative, and scheming behavior earned him last season. Even as his fellow cast members (including Vinny!) tried to call him out on his meddling ways — hell, even as the entire studio audience watched play-back footage of Mike letting Jenni's dogs crap all over the house — The Situation adamantly denied being a trouble maker. Hey Mike, we've got another good nickname for you: The Denial-ation.
No More Sam & Ron!
When Sam and Ron confirmed that they were no longer a couple, the entire studio audience burst into applause. It was hilarious! And amazing! — and will hopefully send that pair of morons a strong message to stay the hell away from one another for good. Because, seriously: if the fact that they emotionally and physically beat the living crap out of each other all season other isn't reason enough to permanently call it quits on their sham of a relationship, then hopefully an entire audience full of applauding strangers will be. But then again, shame has never been the two's strong suit.
We Love Deena. A Lot.
We've said it all season, and we'll say it again now: thank the reality TV gods for Deena, who's been nothing but a breath of fresh air. Our favorite part of the reunion just may have been the montage the producers threw together of all the times Deena tipped over during the course of Season 3. We always knew the littlest meatball was pretty damn accident-prone; but after watching a hilarious 30-second clip of stumble after drunken tumble, we're not even sure how this girl is still alive. Anyway, Deena: for making us spit out our margaritas laughing all season long, we salute you!
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