While those two were in flagrante, the rest of the crew were enjoying a lively night of fist pumping at their favorite club, Atrocity. At around 5:30 AM, everyone piled into a cab after deciding that they’d had enough Ed Hardy and Jagermeister for one night. Now, remember how we said that for 99% of the episode Angelina and Vinny called each other nasty names, discussed the physical repulsiveness of the other, and generally wished each other dead? Well, the other 1% was spent exploring each others’ mouths in the back of a cab, stumbling into Vinny’s bedroom, and tearing one another's clothes off.
As the credits began to roll, heralding the end of another sobering look into the heart of darkness, Vinny reached into his nightstand for a magnum-sized condom, and we were left wondering, “Could these two sworn enemies put aside their blood feud and surrender to their base, carnal desires? In the end, does their turbulent past stand for nothing? And, in a house full of fighting, cheating, and heated confrontations, is there no respect for logic, dignity, or for principles?” Deep down, though, we already knew the answer to those questions. Deep down, we always knew the answer to those questions.
The next day, after she remembered his name, Snooki decided that Dennis was smush-worthy, so she and Bowwoww set about sanitizing the small back room that their male housemates had been using to entertain one-night stands. Donning Hazmat suits, the pair spent the next several days disinfecting the stained walls, incinerating soiled sheets, and removing the piles and piles of sex debris that the boys had carelessly left behind. Exhausted, but in the mood for some serious action, Snooki took to the roof and illuminated the Smush Signal, which shined brightly into the dark Miami sky. Like a moth to the flame, Dennis raced over to the Smush Cave, fixed himself a whopping plate of enchiladas, and promptly commenced smushing Snooki like Snooki had never smushed before.
While we’re on the topic of herpes, let’s talk about the courtship of Snooki and Dennis, shall we? Snooki picked Dennis up at the club a few nights after The Big Fight, and wasted no time in bringing her conquest back to guido headquarters. Initially Dennis seemed more interested in the contents of Snooki’s fridge than the contents of her boudoir, but after a midnight snack of chimichangas, he was dragged kicking and screaming into her fen lair for an evening of heavy petting.
Oh! We almost forgot the most amazing part of this episode. OK, so the day after the fight, Vinny and this guy who used to be on the show, Pauly D, went to the beach and were quickly approached by several star-struck ladies. As the girls fawned over the boys, Pauly noticed that one of the ladies had the mother of all cold sores festering on what used to be her upper lip. Repulsed by the sight of her face, Pauly made his excuses and ran to the ocean’s edge just in time to vomit into the outgoing tide. Later, in a voiceover, he said that it was “the biggest herpe [sic]” he’d ever seen in his life — a statement which begs asking: firstly, is “herpe” the singular for “herpes," and secondly, just how many outbreaks of herpes has Pauly actually seen?
Angelina had other things on her mind besides Vinny, though — like her gentleman caller, Jose, who was introduced in the last episode. Jose is old-school and respectful. Dressed like a reject from mortuary school, he visited Angelina at her place of work, and lavished her with gifts from the local mall — which was curious, considering the pair had only been on three (unconsummated!) dates together. The boys in the house insisted that Jose was trying to buy his way into Angelina’s pants, but she knew the truth: that Jose was a courteous and honorable fellow; the kind of man who, during phone conversations, told her to behave; a good and kindly man — precisely the type of guy that Angelina ate for breakfast. Bye bye, Jose, it was nice knowing you.
To celebrate the fact that he got off scot-free from weeks of unforgivable douchebaggery, Ron took the lobotomized Sam out for a ritzy dinner-date to Olive Garden, a tiny ristorante italiano that he’d read about in Time Out Miami. As the pair nibbled on a bunch of complimentary breadsticks, Ron told Sam that she could order anything on the menu, so long as it cost less than $12. Inspired by Ron’s huge romantic gesture, Sam contemplated reciting her favorite love poem, Shakespeare’s Sonnet 138, but ultimately settled for the ever articulate “I, like, love you” — an utterance of such unfathomable stupidity that we couldn’t help but hate her even more. As Ron finished his second serving of lobster, Sam picked at her main course (a side salad that Ron had generously bought for her) and decided that the fight with Bowwoww was her “best accomplishment in a long time” — a pathetic declaration made only sadder by the fact that, had she actually dumped Ron’s sorry ass, Sam truly would have accomplished something worth being proud of. Again, Sammi Sweatpants is just the worst.
Besides the dissolution of Sam’s friendships with Snooki and Bowwoww, the other great falling out was between Vinny and master manipulator Angelina. Vinny, rightly convinced that she was the catalyst for the house’s huge brawl, called Angelina “Bruce Jenner,” and other nasty insults. Angelina, knowing full well that she had a heavy hand in all of the fighting, but too immature and awful to fess up, called Vinny an ugly attractor of grenades, and other harsh names. The pair spent 99% of the episode screaming and name-calling, and giving each other the evil eye, which, apart from a decapitated horse head, is the cruelest gift one Italian-American can give to another.
Yes, tonight’s emotionally gripping episode picked up where last week’s left off — with the fight of Jenni Bowwoww and Sammi Sweatpants, which quickly devolved into an all-house, no-holds-barred pigpile and ended in a room full of torn hair extensions, broken acrylics, and shattered dreams. The shattered dreams of course were ours: We, the viewing public, watched helplessly as our beloved I-Talians stooped to new levels of shame and degradation. The fight began as a simple argument between Vinny and Angelina, but it quickly spiraled into a nightmare of catastrophic proportions, pitting friend against friend, brother against brother, guido against guidette. In the end, seven film crew members were killed, eighteen turkey sandwiches were destroyed, and Snooki and Bowwoww’s friendship with Sammi Sweatpants was fractured, perhaps irreparably.
Early the next morning, the one surviving cameraman surveyed the wreckage of the night before: in one corner lay a tattered piece of Bowwoww’s scalp; in another, the partial remains of a boom mic operator who had mistakenly gotten in Angelina’s way. Truly, America hadn’t seen this many bloody Italians since the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre. The biggest mess, of course, was Sam’s dignity, which was splattered across the kitchen floor like some sort of bloody Jackson Pollock painting. For, if the fight had solidified one thing in the house, it was that Sam was more in love with her manwhore boyfriend than ever. Sam’s friends had tried, albeit in a vague and ridiculous way, to warn her of Ron’s cheating ways, and Sam had repaid them with punches and broken fingernails.
As a side note, after tonight’s episode, it became official: Sam is the worst. She’s a horrible representation of her sex, and is the reason why some men think it’s OK to treat women like garbage bins. She is the real cause of global warming. She’s the reason why America doesn’t have a bipartisan government. She is responsible for all of the unrest in the Middle East, for the Challenger spaceship explosion, for the creation of real-life Chucky doll Justin Bieber, and she’s probably the reason why Project Runway moved from Bravo to detestable, loathesome Lifetime (Tim Gunn deserves better, Sammi Sweatpants; Tim Gunn deserves better!). She is everything that’s wrong with everything, everywhere. And worst of all, she actually makes Angelina look likable. Sammi Sweatpants, you’re the worst — just the worst, and you deserve everything that you get.