Ugh. They should really just re-name this show Sometimes Things Happen, But Mostly Ron and Sam Just Fight. Because really, although other things sometimes do happen (like in this most recent episode (Season 3, Episode 12; March 17, 2011), when we learned that Ron's mom makes Snooki look like a spokesmodel for sobriety), Jersey Shore has really just devolved into a nonstop bicker-fest between Ron and Sam.
It should be no surprise, then, that this most recent installment began with the fallout from last week's texting scandal. Upon learning of Sam's cellular indiscretion, Ron (who clearly forgot that he spent 95% of Miami doing the dirt) flipped his lid, and verbally pinned Sam into a corner. Scream, scream. Shout, shout. Blah, blah. After a few hours of routine sparring, the pair cooled off for the night; and as Ron gently cried himself to sleep on the couch, Sammi Sweatpants bemoaned the fact that she had to go to bed alone. Which, considering how hard up Arvin was at the club a few hours earlier, wasn't exactly true.
The next day, Vinny taught the world a valuable lesson about the pitfalls of peer pressure. Last week (for those loyal readers who either forgot, or were too drunk to remember) Vinny sprayed his body oompa-loompa orange after his increasingly cult-like male housemates mercilessly mocked his cadaverous complexion. And this week, after being taunted about his lack of man-jewelry, Vinny finally buckled under pressure and pierced his ears. And though the boys showered him with strange, guido-speak praise, calling him a pimp and a gangsters, we mostly thought Vinny just looked a bedazzled contestant on Toddlers and Tiaras.
Anyway, to celebrate Vinny's emergence into the world of cubic zirconium-studded guidohood, everybody fist-pumped their way over to Aztec — everybody, that is, except for Ron and Sam. No, instead of joining the land of the living, America's sweethearts sat around making up in their usual baby-talk way. Sam, her sweatpants-clad body lazily draped across Ron's lap, quietly gurgled "I'm sowwy" over and over again, as her boyfriend sat drinking Gatorade and shoving globs of ketchup-soaked meat into his bloated face. After the pair rubbed noses and, in hushed, infantile whispers, renewed their sadistic vows, they headed upstairs to engage in a little suttin'-suttin' on a set of overly-soiled, leopard-print sheets. And really, if this is the future of romance, then we, as a species, as screwed.
Things weren't looking much better over at Aztec. Sadly, the club was filled to the brim with grenades, 60-year-old guido moms, and Pauly's sometimes stalker, Danielle. Terrified, the boys grabbed the two most attractive females they could find, and scurried off back to the house. After a few minutes of pleasantries, during which someone commented that the house smelled remarkably like Band-Aids (well said), one of the girl's brothers unexpectedly came knocking at the front door. Vinny asked the young man if he had come for the womenfolk, and the conversation quickly turned into an incredibly awkward back-and-forth — with the boys bartering for the girls like cattle at an Amish farmers' market.
Pauly threw his guidette under the bus and asked if the brother could take her home now instead of in the morning, to which she shot back "I'd rather sleep with Mike anyway." Ouch! In the end, both of the girls were sent packing by a surprisingly haughty Vinny, whose new, sparkly bling seemingly unleashed a previously dormant pool of douchebaggery. And after calling Sam a sneaky bitch, Vinny made a very public, sloppy-seconds pass at Snooki. Mortified, a heartbroken Snooki vowed that she'd never play second fiddle to one of Vinny's DTF randos. Even Mike, who lost his moral compass somewhere back in Season 1, agreed that Vinny was acting like a complete and utter ass.
The next day, the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened: Ron's mom drunk-dialed the house. Apparently Mrs. Magro had spent the morning catching up with her two best friends, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam, and just couldn't wait to tell her son all about it. But since Ron was out running errands, the job of listening to her incoherent, liquored-up rants fell into the hands of poor little Deena. Mama Ron mindlessly burped ad nauseum about being tan, and loving life; but Deena, who had never met the woman, nervously turned to Bowwow for assistance. Making the universal "drunky-drunk" sign as a means of explanation, Bowwoww took the receiver from Deena's trembling hands, and calmly tried to reason with the woman. "I'm f**kin' tan, and I f**kin' love it!" Ron's mom hiccuped.
"Listen, why don't you fix yourself a nice pot of coffee, Mrs Magro," Bowwoww tried to reason.
"And that f**kin' Rawn an' Sam thing," the drunk interjected, steamrolling over any mention of a non-alcoholic beverage. "I tried to tell him, Bowwow. I says, 'You did wrong in Miami, Rawn. You did!' But a-course he don't listen to me none. Hey, did I tell yous I'm tan? — I'm f**kin' tan, baby!"
With a sigh, Bowwoww passed the telephone over to Mike, who proceeded to air all of Ron and Sam's dirty laundry — including the whole texting shenanigan from several nights ago. And while Mike's blab-fest proved once and for all that he's nothing more than a despicable waste of space (we're talking Angelina-level unlikable here), we can't help but wonder: would Ron's mom, in her advanced state of delirious inebriation, even remember all of the gossipy nonsense he told her? No, of course not. That hot mess wouldn't know the day of the week if it was written on her beer coaster.
Anyway, Ron and Sam eventually came home; and after Ron rightfully called his mother a drunken disgrace, he retired to the deck for an emergency summit with the boys. And miraculously, instead of being angry with him for overstepping boundaries no decent person should ever cross, Ron eagerly listened as The Scenario — and Pauly and Vinny — tore Sam apart, painting her a slut and a whore. Which, groan. Forgive the editorializing for a minute, but where the F do these guys get off? Listen, we've always made it crystal clear that we loathe everything Sammy Sweatpants stands for. She's whiny, manipulative, and basically a disgrace to her sex. But to villainize her as this sex-crazed bitch who done her man wrong — when all she did was text a guy (while she was single! — and after Ron had literally destroyed all of her personal belongings!) — is one heavy-handed load of misogynistic BS, even for these morons.
Obviously, Sam caught wind of what was going on, stormed onto the deck, and confronted Mike. Scream, scream. Shout, shout. Blah, blah. And as the credits began to roll, Mike threatened to call the oft spoken of, little-seen neanderthal, Arvin, as a means of proving once and for what a lying two-timer Sam is. Truth be told, Mike's lines of action in the latter half of this episode firmly cemented some things for us. Long have we hailed Sammi as the worst person ever; but readers, we were wrong — oh, so wrong! Awful has a new, overly-tanned and pruney face; and it belongs to none other than comedy's #1 failbot, Mike "The Scenario" Sorrentino. (Or he's just trying to stir the pot to keep Jersey exciting and therefore prolong his 15 painful minutes of fame.