An overrated poet once wrote: "Call all you want, but there's no one home / And you're not gonna reach my telephone. / Out in the club, and I'm sippin' that bubb / And you're not gonna reach my telephone." Alas, if only Bowwoww's telephone-obsessed boyf, Tommy Chinstrap, had listened to those very Gaga lyrics, he would have spared himself (and us!) the 9,000 phone calls we had to endure during this last episode of Jersey Shore.
And so our story picked up immediately where it left off: Snooki, America's favorite over-cooked meatball, was hauled off to the slammer by a pack of drunk-hating policemen. Her crime: loving booze too much, and loving her liver too little. Meanwhile, Bowwoww took to the duck phone, desperately hoping to tip-off Papa Polizzi before the paparazzi did. Unfortunately, Bowwoww's call was continuously interrupted by her Needy McNeederson boyfriend, Chinstrap — who cared not for the plight of poor Snooki, but only for his own fragile ego (something about Bowwow not calling him enough — boo la-hoo). We had a difficult time keeping track, but we're pretty sure that this was one of the many instances throughout the episode in which Bowwoww victoriously hung up on Chinstrap's sorry ass.
And thankfully so! — for just as Bowwoww slammed the receiver all over Chinstrap's bleeding heart, the Seaside Heights drunk tank called, informing Bowser that Snooki was being released back into the wild. The most difficult part of Snooki's adjustment to life outside of the big house, of course, was having to face the music from Papa Snooki, who threatened to break his daughter's kneecaps, and feed her to the fishes, and to do all sorts of stereotypical Italian-American violence on her drunk ass, if she didn't clean up her act. Oh, and he also said that he was disappointed in her — a caustic barb the seemed to sting Snooki the most.
Later that evening, Pauly, Vinny, and The Scenario headed out to Karma with special guest star, Deena — who surprised the MVPs with her no-nonsense, "one of the guys" approach: she fist-pumped like one of the guys; she took body shots like one of the guys; hell, she even made out with girls just like one of the guys. Eventually, though, Deena broke from MVP tradition — dropping her pseudo-lesbian party trick along the way — and started grinding with a dead-ringer for fellow housemate, Ronnie.
Deena and Ronnie2 hit it off so well, in fact, that she ended up bringing him home. Despite having earlier confessed to the MVPs that, just like his evil twin, he also has a miserable sideline-girlfriend named Sam, Ronnie2 wasted no time in hot-tubbing and cuddling time with a very eager Deena. Of their night spent together, Deena said this: "He didn't get the golden ticket, but I gave him a sneak peak." All this "golden ticket" malarkey was, of course, a surprisingly savvy reference to Charlie and the Chocolate Factory — a story in which five lucky children find Willy Wonka's much sought-after golden tickets. The whole thing makes for a rather perplexing analogy, though — especially considering that, after watching her nah-nah antics in the very first episode, Deena's golden ticket doesn't exactly seem difficult to win.
The next night, all of the housemates headed out to — you guessed it! — Karma. While her comrades busily pumped their fists into the air, Bowwoww spotted her would-be-crush, Roger (or Razor, or whatever) — who, in the last episode, was accused of having a secret girlfriend. Razor approached Bowwow, explaining that she'd gotten the wrong end of the stick, and that he was, in fact, very much a free agent. News of Razor's single status, as well as the 18 Red Bulls she'd recently pounded, sent Bowwoww's heart racing.
We're not going to lie — over the next few days, there was an awful lot of multi-purposed telephoning: Chinstrap incessantly called Bowwoww, passive-agressively instigating long-distance arguments (he'd clearly taken Sammi Sweatpants' Learning Annex Seminar, "How to Lose Friends and Alienate People"); and Bowwoww just couldn't stop calling Razor, planning flirty friendship dates.
Meanwhile, Snooki was still nursing the emotional wounds incurred from the 10 agonizing minutes she spent in the county holding cell. She was so devastated, in fact, that she decided to swear off alcohol altogether — all alcohol, that is, except for Pinot Grigio. Since Pinot is routinely drank by pregnant women, Snooki reasoned, having the occasional tipple couldn't possibly be classified as "falling off the wagon."
A few days later, while at work, a distraught Bowwow sought some much-needed relationship advice from Pauly D: should she stay with Chinstrap, the horrible telephone stalker who whined incessantly? — or should she follow her instincts, and give her golden ticket to Razor? Like the good little Rhode Islander he is, Pauly sweetly told Bowwoww that she had to follow her heart — a sentiment that, gosh darn it!, we can't help but echo. Sure, he's covered in scary borstal tattoos — but Razor is oddly likable, and genuinely seems to care for Bowser. And also, anything's better than Chinstrap. Celibacy is better than Chinstrap. Death, even, is better than Chinstrap.
Shortly thereafter, Bowwoww called Razor and asked him to rescue her and Snooki from their grueling 3-hour T-shirt shop shift. Razor wasted no time in arriving and, at the request of Bowwoww, brought along a friend, Paddy O'Gorillaghan, to entertain Snooki. Initially, Snooki was apprehensive about being set up with a non-Italian; but as the foursome sat down for a romantic respite at the Dunkin' Donuts pagoda, Snooki fell quickly, hopelessly in lust with the Irish juicehead seated across from her. The girls were eventually beckoned back to the sweatshop by their slave-driving boss — but not before making plans to meet the gentlemen later that night.
That evening, as the girls prepared for their double-date, Snooki ran through the lengthy laundry list of situations that cause her intestinal havoc — with "meeting sexy juiceheads" topping her list. Finally, after "making a baby in the toilet" (her words), Snooki was ready to roll. To the girls' delight, the night was full of old-world, Seaside Heights romance — boardwalks, roller coasters, and hours and hours of casual sex. Later, as she cuddled in the arms of her would-be beau, Bowwoww resolved to finally call things off with Chinstrap.
The next morning, after Razor and Paddy O'Gorillaghan rolled out of bed, kissed their guidettes goodbye, respectively, and headed on their merry way, Bowwoww received yet another phone call from Chinstrap; and, just like the other 97 times, he was peeved that Bowwoww hadn't bothered to call him. After a few tense moments of shouting, during which Bowwoww and Chinstrap were both accused of treating the other like Snooki toilet-babies, Jenni slammed the phone down, ending her volatile relationship once and for all.
A short while later, and after a brief consultation with her father, Bowwoww became alarmed for the welfare of her pets back home. Always the dutiful friend, Snooki accompanied her pal on the drive back to the Bowwoww compound in New York, in hopes of rescuing the pooches from an uncertain fate. Upon arriving home Bowwow's discovered that, not only was Chinstrap an irresponsible dog-sitter, but he'd also stolen jewelry, personal files, software, and — inexplicably — an entire bed.
Robbed, violated, and bedless, Bowwoww began to weep. And as the credits began to roll, a sad, sickening feeling of dread fell on us, the viewing public: what about those poor, sweet dogs? Sure, they would have starved to death if Bowwoww hadn't driven all those miles to rescue them. But now! — oh, now they faced a much more grim and uncertain fate: life in Seaside Heights.
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