This week, the girls (and their audience) are settling into their new lives together. There are a lot of burps, bad omens, and bets being made about the potential height of Snooki’s baby, AKA business-as-usual in Jersey.
First, a note: We're not sure if it just, like, didn’t happen last week, or if we were too downright excited for the premiere to even notice it, but the show’s theme song by Icona Pop is perfect. It’s all “I DON’T CARE, I LOVE IT...” over and over and over and over again, as if a better anthem has ever existed for the dynamic duo, ever. Homegurls be shameless and that’s what this whole show is about.
One example of said shamelessness? Signing leases when you were explicitly told not to do so. The girls are swayed by Victor-the-Realtor, and toast their totally-not-champagne (JWOWW def had coffee, but was Snooki drinking apple juice?) to their new digs. But that’s the easy part; the maturity of moving out sets in later, when the girls finally break the news to their families. Snooki explains, “Honestly, I don’t even read the frickin’ [contract] papers, which is really bad … I’m supposed to show my dad this, cuz I wasn’t even supposed to sign it.”
Sound like the end-of-freshman-year-and-you’re-looking-for-an-apartment-with-your-best-girlfriends-from-the-dorm material? Yeah, because it totally is. Tell me that you haven’t had this exact conversation with your parents at least once in your life:
“What kinda heat is in it?”
“We didn’t ask...I don’t know...we just said ‘We’ll take it.’” Beat. Parents laugh.
“My dad is making all these faces, and I’m like, ‘Dad, stop making all of these faces. Stop being INVESTIGATOR. It’s happening.’”
Right. It is happening. And by “it,” of course, she means moving out/being engaged/HOUSING A BABY IN HER WOMB FOR 9 MONTHS. It’s remarkable that her parents are being such good sports, cracking jokes and coping with the cameras and whatnot.
Meanwhile, when JWOWW fills Roger in on the goings-on in Jersey City, he’s a touch flabbergasted, which may or may not explain why he makes “pregnant” a 3-syllable word.
“If Nicole is driving you bonkers, don’t call me crying,” Roger warns Jenny.
“Don’t make me twist your nipple,” she replies.
“Don’t make me touch your titties.” Um, okay. The dude really drives home the whole feeling-abandoned thing when he calls after their pooch as it scampers off of his lap: “You[‘re] leaving me, too??!? What? Do I stink?”
The biggest jaw-dropper of the episode was kinda-totally-super-subtly dropped in the first few minutes: Snooki may or may not have made JWOWW the/a/one-of-many? godmother[s?] of her unborn child. No need for further explanation when JWOWW put it best: “I’M HAPPY BUT AT THE SAME TIME, IDK WHAT I’M GETTING MYSELF INTO.” Haaaa ... Maybe reading those contracts is a good idea, after all, doll.
Godmother or not, JWOWW is at the very least now contractually-bound to live with a girl full of new life and whirling hormones. This episode is peppered with “bad omens” for JWOWW; little things like a leak from her car seem to scream out to her that “God is saying in every which way — ‘don’t live with a pregnant chick.’” I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that JWOWW’s post contract signing scream into her steering wheel was, y’know, justly cathartic, especially when she says stuff like “I’m trying to live out my 20s, but...am I gonna turn into her mom?” We don’t know, Jenny. We do not know. But we can’t wait to watch you figure it out.
Snooki, on the other hand, seems to be qualm-free as the girls move in together. She is, after all, a ticking time-bomb of sorts. “I wanna live with Jenny, like, this is the only time I CAN do it. Like, literally.” But, being the secretly-motivated-mogul we know and love, Nicole has her own agenda as well.
“I told Jenny, she should get pregnant, so then we could be pregnant together...I feel like...sperm gets old and can’t pregnate someone...” It may not be science but it sure is a cute idea: the odds-are-against-it-being-a-b.baller offspring of Snooks running around with the inevitably yolked mini-gorilla that JWOWW would pop out kinda sounds like the best playground scene. Ever.
The hands-down best element of the episode was all the boytalk; maybe because it’s a wee bit rare? The boys start it off with a winning telephone exchange:
“What’s the over/under for [the baby] being over 5’?!” inquires Jionni.
“What’s the over/under for her being over 4’?!” Roger replies...realistically. In this episode, Jionni alleges that he’s 4’10” and that Nicole is 4’8” and we’re all just kinda like “I’m not sure if that’s correct but ok.” The boys really bring it home once they get going on Jionni’s bachelor party, which is allegedly not for another year and a half even though Nicole said they’re planning on being engaged “for a few years.”
The exact date doesn't exactly matter to Roger, as Jenny is forbidding his attendance because “people get divorces before weddings because of bachelor parties.” Snooki semi-agrees, which makes Roger to ask “Why are you cool with it, then?” Snooki genuinely retorts that “[Jionni]’d leave me if I was like that.” Oof, Jenny. Burn.
I can’t really tell if Jenny is crying when she laments that “It’s been a long day. It’s been, like, a really fucking long day...” but I’m gonna just go ahead and assume that she totally was shedding a wee tear on somelevel. The next morning is her birthday and Snooki greets her with a bagel with a candle stuck in it. “I was gonna get you a cupcake,” she explained, “but...I didn’t get any cupcakes.” Happy Birthday, JWOWW.
At the end of the night, the ladies indulge in what I hope will be a ritual: they wear matching (fake? real? does it even matter anymore?) glasses and do this little choreographed walk/smooch/slam-the-door thing into their respective rooms. It feels so Three’s Company. As Snooki passes a mirror, she notes that “I look like a mom. This is my life now.” She then utters “cool” as she curtsies, and all I wanna do is give her a high-five.
Catch the next episode of Snooki & JWOWW on on Thursday, June 28 on MTV.
Want more Jersey Shore? Catch the next episode of Snooki & JWOWW on on Thursday, June 28 on MTV.