We're off to the guido circus, y'all!
Tired of all the domestic drama back at Casa di Guido, Vinny and Pauly packed up the SUV, fled the horrors of Seaside Heights, and headed for Vinny's homestead over in peaceful Staten Island (which, shocker to no one except for Pauly, is an actual island). The boys eventually arrived at the Guadagnino compound and were lovingly greeted by all 527 of Vinny's immediate family members. Pauly described the gathering as a "guido circus," but we're more inclined to think of it as a "guido carnival side show," complete with all the usual suspects one would expect to see at a family freak show. There was The Man With Diarrhea of the Mouth (Cousin Joe told Pauly he had Bride of Frankenstein hair — ha!); there was Crazy Compulsive Food Lady (Vinny's mom made enough chicken cutlets to feed an entire Sicilian army); and then, of course, there was The Man Made of Gold (Uncle Dino, clearly an Original Guido, was swathed in a sea of luxuriously gaudy gold chains). The whole visit seemed horrible and suffocating, but the boys seemed to lap up every minute almost as eagerly as they lapped up Vinny's mom's eggplant parm.
Back in Seaside Heights, The Scenario, who had been left alone for the afternoon, decided to free Bowwoww's pups from their dog pen — and boy, did he spoil them something rotten! He fed the dogs pizza from the garbage, and heaping spoonsful of Fluff, and basically did everything he could to make their tiny little stomachs explode, save feeding them chocolate laced with Alka-Seltzer. Later, he enthusiastically encouraged Homefry and 40-Ounce (or whatever those rat-dogs are called) to defecate throughout the entire house. Because, titter!, indoor dog poop is such a hilarious prank, right? Right? FYI, Mike: littering one's own house with steaming piles of animal waste is less of a prank, and more a symptom of some extreme, anti-social psychosis.
When Snooki, Deena, and the rest of the gang eventually came home to the Confessions: Animal Hoarding-esque nightmare, they quickly deduced that Mike was the culprit because, bizarrely, the dogs absolutely reeked of his cologne. Which of course begs the question: how many gallons of scent must one douse oneself in before it starts rubbing off onto other things?
The next day, rested and rejuvenated from his trip to the guido hippodrome, Vinny decided to accompany some of his housemates for a well-deserved spray tan. Sick of being bullied for his blanched complexion, Vinny instructed the spray-tan operator to jack her machine up to 11, and was pleasantly surprised with the results ("Oh my god, I'm a different race!" he lovingly marvelled in the mirror).
Bowwoww drove the gang back from the tanning salon; and on the way back to the house, she happened to pull up near her FB, Roger's, car. She honked, and waved, but somehow, sadly, Roger didn't see her. Encouraged by the always relationship-savvy Ron, Bowwoww convinced herself that Roger had actually done the dip on her. Well! Apparently, "doing the dip" is just the worst thing one guido can do to another; because, when she got home, Bowzer promptly picked up the duck phone and broke things off with Roger. Later that night, he called and explained that he was hurriedly running from the gym to the barbers, and didn't even see her car. Thankfully the couple managed to patch up their little misunderstanding; but really, the whole sad affair was just grim evidence that Sammi's manic brand of co-dependent paranoia is actually rubbing off onto the rest of the house. Lord save them all.
Later that night, Sam and Ron snuggled up for one of their patented baby-talk sessions. In hushed, infantile whispers, they congratulated themselves on being such happy, changed people. Because apparently 5 days of non-stop, hysterical crying had magically taught Ron not to be a raging lunatic. And those 5 days spent holed up in Misery, NJ, had given Sam the strength to not be the worst person ever.
Right. Do you want to know to what extent Sam blossomed into a mature woman? Do you want to see all the ways in which Ron metamorphosed into a respectable young fellow? OK, then fast forward to the next night. The whole gang was over at Karma, joyfully pumping their fists, and boozing their cares away, when Mike happened to bump into his old friend, Arvin. Well! Not only does Arvin look like the Missing Link's fugly cousin, but he also had some pretty damning gossip. Apparently Sammi Sweatpants, while in exile, had been sending Arvin loads of juicy texts. This unexpected bit of news sent the usually two-faced Mike into gossip overdrive, and he wasted no time in showing the incriminating sexts to anyone sober enough to pay attention.
Word of Mike's all-out gossip spree quickly leaked back to Sam and Ronnie and, predictably, the two ended up in an all-out screaming match that lasted all the way from Karma, back to the house, and into the wee hours of the night. Ron accused Sam of being shady (which is just rich), and Sam just kept screaming "Awwvin's my friend!" over and over and over again, as if those words would somehow transform from an empty declaration into some kind of a believable explanation.
And as the credits began to roll, nothing — not even Pauly's all-too serious threats of suicide — could deter Ron and Sam, who had clearly changed so very, very much, from violently howling at one another into the dying of the night.