Jersey Shore Season 5, Episode 2: “One Man Down” featured a lot of drunken clubbing. Which is to say that it contained enough GIF-able moments to tide us over until next week and plenty of barely intelligible but but somehow still hilarious blackout zingers. We invite you to shake your heads along with us at our top ten quotes from last night’s episode.
1. The Situation, lending Jionni a dry set of clothes: "We share girls, why can't we share underwear?"
Mike, that sounds to us like Deena logic.
2. Snooki, while Mike and Jionni make BFF in the kitchen: "Jimminy Cricket, I didn't know this was going to be a cook festival!"
It's a regular Top Chef Quickfire Challenge over there in the Shore House kitchen! Except instead of Padma hosting, it's a girl by whom all the chefs have been fellated.
3. Snooki, greeting Jionni on the phone: "Hey poop!"
Okay, she may have said "boo," but it really sounded like poop to us.
4. Pauly D on his tanning bed burn: "It peeled and then I exfoliated and then burned the part that I peeled. Pauly D Problems."
We're always impressed when the macaroni rascals demonstrate a fundamental understanding of Twitter hashtagging.
5. Snooki: Would you bang me?
JWOWW: Bent over and sideways.
All together now: It's friendship! Friendship! Just the perfect blendship!
6. Deena, prepping for Karma: I don't know who I'm gonna make out with, but it's gonna be so good. I can't do sex."
Snooki: "You can have (bleep) sex."
Deena: "I'm not gonna try out (bleep) sex until I have a boyfriend."
We have a pretty good idea of the kind of sex they're talking about here, but fill in the bleep for yourselves. It's much more fun that way.
7. Snooki, to Jionni, and tan-girl wasted: "Oh my god, I was gonna like, cook you like, chicken cutlets and stuff like that. I'm over it."
You wanna be a Debbie Downer at the club? Fine. NO CHICKEN CUTLETS FOR YOU. Now, now, Snooki, what would Padma say?
8. Pauly D, on his klepto hook-up: "She lost her dignity, her self respect, so what the hell do you need shoes for?"
Carrie Bradshaw and other such feminists would punch you in the mouth for talking like that.
9. Pauly D, on his new smush rules: "So I'm now coming up with a new plan. Whenever a girl leaves the house, I'm going to hug her and pat her down at the same time."
Isn't leaving the club that way how you got into this mess in the first place?
10. Deena: "Doing eyelashes when you're buzzed is not a good time."
She's like the Martha Stewart of drunken makeup application.
Catch the macaroni rascals on a new episode of Jersey Shore on Thursday, January 19 at 10 pm ET/PT on MTV.
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