Here’s the situation: Snooki went on The Today Show earlier this week to promote her new book, Confessions of a Guidette. She even put her best “Nicole” face on to appear “business-ready.” Do we really need yet another appearance from a Jersey Shore cast member promoting something with their name on it? More importantly, just how many random products are the amazing eight shilling right now? We did some research, and if the sheer amount of endorsement deals doesn’t shock you, some of the items might (“bad wine”? guido lollipops?) A roundup:
Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino:
Protein-infused vodka: “Devotion Vodka is the world’s first and only sugar free, gluten free, 80 proof, triple-distilled, casein-infused vodka made in the USA.”
Bad Wine: “My job with the NABWC is to reach out to Millennials and show them that if the bottle tastes funny, ya just keep on drinkin’ anyway”
Guido-Themed Lollipops: “Sorrentino was heard saying that he plans on ‘stockpiling’ a bunch of the Couture Pops to give to special ladies in his life.”
Dillagaf clothing: After being sued for allegedly not doing enough to promote the Dilligaf line (an acronym for “Do I Look Like I Give A F**K”), Sorrentino claimed in a counter-suit, “Dilligaf never did much to develop the line, which was originally billed as ‘couture,’ besides designing a few T-shirts.” Oops!
Workout gear: Anyone can buy a Situation-approved workout band, or gym bag (on sale!) from Mike’s official site.
Boca tanning club: Aside from promoting his own Official Situation Nation sunblock stick, Mike gets paid to promote “the most elite and luxurious tanning salon in the world!”
Tuxedos: When Mike merely mentions FLOW Formal Wear on Facebook, he sees dollar signs. But really, when have we ever seen this guy in a tux?
“The Situation Workout” DVDs: Now this, we might actually consider buying. Frankly, we don’t think we need a Mike-approved sunblock or lollipop, but we can’t argue with his abs.
Jenni “JWOWW” Farley:
Two tanning lines: “JWOWW admits that tanning is a huge part of her life.” Ya think?
Skincare line: Big surprise: the exfoliator, eye cream and tinted moisturizer all enhance your tan!
Clothing line: JWOWW’s Filthy Couture line was fun (and sparkly!) while it lasted.
Dietery supplement: Jenni loves her Ab Cut pills, which are “natural body supplements with a wide array of healthy oils that assist with body-fat reduction.”
Book: The Rules According to JWOWW features such gems of wisdom as “when to smush (that's have sex), what to wear to get a guy's attention, and her general know-how on getting a guy to ‘wife-up’ (commit).”
Nicole “Snooki” Palozzi:
Fleshdrive: Snooki was allegedly offered $100,000 to promote the porn technology company. In the company’s words, “We know that Snooki makes a big impression wherever she goes, and that is why her tiny figure and incredible attitude will fit perfectly within the FleshDrive world.” Read more at ONTD
Zantrex-3: Snooki credited her extreme weight loss to a combination of exercise and Zantrex’s amphetamine-free diet pill, she is now “slated to be the national spokesperson for Zantrex's ‘extreme energy’ pill, Zantrex-3 Fat Burner.”
Acai Supply: This offer may go down in history for being the easiest money ever; after Snooki was portrayed by South Park writers as an acai fan, the company offered her a one-year supply of their products, plus an undisclosed amount of cash simply to say something positive about the berries in a statement.
Supre Tan: Under the Snooki Beauty Care umbrella, the tiny tanning bed aficionado partnered with Supre Tan to endorse a line of tanning beds.
Wonderful Pistachios: Speaking of tanning, Snooki memorably cracked a pistachio nut using a neon green tanning bed (matching her neon green eye makeup) in the company’s commercials.
Rutgers University: The New Jersey college reportedly paid Snooki $32,000 to dispense words of wisdom like, “Study hard, party harder” to a packed auditorium.
Jersey Laundry: Ronnie’s own clothing line is, in our opinion, the most impressive of all the cast members’ spin-off fashion collections. He banks on his “smush” trademark big-time.
Xenadrine: As Ronnie said in his hilarious print ad, “Man, girls get me going, but not half as much as the energy boost I get from Xenadrine!”
Paul “DJ Pauly D” DelVecchio:
Tanning line: Surprise, surprise! Arguably the most orange of all the cast members, Pauly partnered with Devoted Creations to sell tanning products in, ahem, “high-end” tanning salons. Are any of these in Jersey?
G unit headphones: Pauly reportedly partnered with 50 Cent’s G-Unit production company for album promotion, but the real must-have in our book is the upcoming Pauly D headphones.
Dirty Couture: While limited to t-shirts with stars on them and others with the hashtag #SWAGG, it doesn’t look like Pauly will be taking the fashion world by storm.
Medl mobile partners: This self-described “incubator and aggregator of mobile technology” is supposedly creating mobile phone apps all centered around Pauly D.
Philips Norelco: Come to think of it, Vinny may actually have the best skin among the castmates. So it makes sense that the men’s grooming company hired him to explain how men can look “fresh to death” like him.
Sammi “Sweetheart” Giancola:
RichRocks jewelry line: Among the limited-edition seven-piece collection were “heart-shaped pendants, hoop earrings and crystal bangles.” Sammi hinted that more is coming.
Dangerous perfume: Packed with all kinds of “daring, sexy and truly exciting” scents, apparently smelling like Sammi means smelling like sugar and honey (we’ll check on that claim around 3am on a Saturday night at Karma...)
As for Deena Nicole Cortese, no official brands with her name on them yet, but we’re thinking Merriam-Webster might pony up, considering how Deena introduced “a whole buncha vocabulary” to viewers this past season.
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