Credit: Heidi Gutman/ABC Television Group © 2011 Disney Photo: Kourtney Kardashian Guest Stars on One Life to Live: Promo Shot 2
First things first: Kourtney, don’t quit your day job. What that is exactly, we’re not sure. Just don’t quit it ...

In Episode 9 (next to last episode of the season, people! Hope you savored it!), Kourt lands the role of Kassandra Kavanaugh on One Life to Live (which airs Monday, March 28 — set your DVRs!). She asks for acting help (which she desperately needs) from her friend and little brother Rob Kardashian’s ex-girlfriend, actress Adrienne Bailon (of The Cheetah Girls). Kim also lends Kourntey a hand and helps her rehearse.

Poor Kourtney, who is stunned at how many lines she has in the script, is immediately in trouble — she’s having a hard time memorizing her part, and she can’t stop laughing inappropriately throughout the scene. (She’s supposed to be handcuffed to another actress after they both get arrested.) Adrienne, who’s no Meryl Streep either when it comes to acting talent, tries to help cure her of the giggles. What Kourtney didn’t bargain for is the fact that she has to kiss a guy (actor David Fumero) on the lips — which she is totally embarrassed to do.

When she gets to the set, there’s a quick rehearsal, and she’s completely unprepared. The director says there’s no more time — and Kourtney gets insanely nervous. (Cut to lots of shots of Kourtney looking constipated and frazzled.) In the end, she pulls it off — Lord only knows how — and all is well. She ends up kissing David Fumero, but it would have been much more exciting if they didn’t show it! Why not leave us hanging a little? It would have been much more fun to tune in to OLTL on Monday and not know if she’d gone through with the smooch that she was so nervous about!

Credit: WENN Photo: Kourtney Kardashian and Kris Jenner Leave an Antique Shop on March 22, 2011

Meanwhile, Scott has a red carpet event to attend to promote a new product he’s been working on, and asks Kim to join him. Kim, who’s gotten closer with Scott since he’s grown up a little, says she’ll accompany him. When Kris Jenner, who’s visiting from L.A., gets wind of it, she tells Kim not to go because if she does, it may look like she’s endorsing the product too. Kim argues that Scott is a family member and should be supported like any other — but she eventually caves and tells Kris she won’t go. She then gets a lecture from Kourtney, who tells her she shouldn’t do everything Kris tells her to do, so SCANDAL, Kim changes her mind after all and decides to go without telling Kris.

Well, there’s so much press at the event that there’s absolutely no way Kris won’t find out about it. Of course she does. In what is clearly a staged scene, she barges into Kim’s hotel suite the next day and calls Kim a “pretty little liar” and totally bawls her out in front of Kourt. Kim ultimately stands up to herself and argues that she’s a free spirit and can do whatever she wants to do, and that “family is more important than money.” Kim grew some balls overnight! Of course, we’d all seen previews of that scene a zillion times, so when it actually happened it was a little boooo-ring. But the same goes for a lot of the season. There were really very few surprises. They shouldn’t have hyped the show so much! We like surprises!

Kim and Kourtney riding the subway is pretty much the funniest (and most staged) scene in the whole show. Kim has never been on the MTA before and asks some fellow commuters if they’ve ever been robbed before. Then, she asks the same guys if they’ve ever robbed anyone before. It’s amazing she didn’t get the crap kicked out of her.

Okay, onto next week: It looks like Scott’s going to propose to Kourt! Reportedly, the producers shot two different endings — one where she says yes, and one where she says no. Last week, it was reported in the media that Scott and Kourt are once again on the rocks, and Scott is pushing for the “thanks but no thanks” response from Kourtney on the show. It was also reported that he’s been consulting lawyers to make sure he gets joint custody of baby Mason in case of a split. So, what’s gonna go down? Tune in next week!