They’re back! The time machine that is Kourtney & Kim Take Miami touched down tonight, and we’re totally on board. It’s kind of like watching a prequel, because you already know how things end up, but that doesn’t stop it from being a good time full of smashed plates, cat poop and Jell-O shots. Prepare yourself.
The cameras start rolling the second Kim, Kourtney and Khloe Kardashian stepped into the Miami airport, with Kourtney’s kids Mason and Penelope in tow. But where is dad Scott Disick? Oops, he wasn’t invited. Miami has been “a dark place” for Kourtney and Scott (her words, not ours) and she doesn’t want him there. Based on Scott’s past behavior, can you blame her?
Over in the land of good boyfriends, Kanye West has sent Kim a surprise present, and she can’t wait to find out what it is! Khloe’s first guess is a vibrator, but they will have to wait to find out. But they don’t have to wait to start bashing Kim’s ex!
Khloe gets the ball rolling. “He’s so much better than Humphries,” Khloe says of Kanye. As you may vaguely recall, Kim’s marriage to Kris Humphries was over at the end of last season, and you may have heard that the divorce hasn’t exactly gone smoothly since then. Khloe calls it all a dream, to which Kim adds, “A really expensive dream, that won’t leave me alone.”
Kanye’s gift arrives, and it’s not a vibrator, it’s an adorable, white, fluffy Persian kitten. Kim is smitten; Kourtney thinks she’ll be over it in five seconds. Harsh, Kourt! But that’s what big sisters are for. It’s Kanye who names the cat when Kim calls to say thank you, and Mercy Kardashian is now part of the family.
The next day, the sisters K head to their store Dash, and they are NOT HAPPY. Khloe and Kourt start doling out the tough love, and we’ve gotta say, they’re not totally out of line. Crowded racks are one thing, but a Slurpee cup on the floor? Ew!
Back at the hotel, Kim asks Siri what to do when a cat is constipated. She’s so pleased with herself when she helps her little kitty out that she shows her sisters a tissue full of cat poop, just to show what a good mom she is! Way to go, Kimmy!
Khloe is very concerned that Kim isn’t talking about her divorce at all, and she brings it up with Kourtney. Kim walks in, and now she’s pissed that Khloe is talking about her divorce behind her back. Oh, sisters!
But don’t worry, Lord Disick has arrived! Kim called him, and he came. Is Kourtney surprised? Oh yes. She’s also “appalled.” Yikes.
Khloe will not leave this “Kim is bottling up her divorce-related emotions” thing alone! She calls pal Jonathan Cheban, who says he’ll try to get Kim to open up. He calls her, and it doesn’t go so well. “The fact that you guys are all gossiping behind my back is annoying.” We hear you, Kim.
Kim confronts Khloe (at an improved Dash, BTW) about her crusade to find Kim’s real feelings. “I don’t get why you think I have to be so mad about this,” she tells Khloe, You tell her, Kim! Khloe says she’ll let it go, on one condition. And that condition is plate smashing.
Yes, really! They go out on the balcony, shout “Goodbye, divorce!” and smash dinner plates. Kim and Khloe are feeling so good they decide to keep it going by getting haaaaammered. They also feel bad for being hard on the Dash employees and they want to make it up to them with champagne and Jell-O shots! What could go wrong?
They get drunk and loud, and Scott isn’t having it, which is a little bit of a pot/kettle sitch as far as we’re concerned, but it’s cool. He kicks them out and they go get their drink on downstairs, until they’re back at 12:45am and Mason is awake and hanging out with his drunk Aunts. But Scott shuts it down!
He drives them to get pizza, they have to stop because Kim needs a shirt that says YOLO. Scott hands them off to Jonathan, they go to a club, sit at someone’s table and drink their drinks, but apparently no one cares because they’re partying with Kardashians.
The next morning, Kim doesn’t remember much of what happened, and Mercy is missing! They retrace their steps via the million photos they took, and it turns out Mercy spent the night with Jonathan. Mercy is saved, and Kim isn’t a terrible cat mother after all.
Kourtney is furious with Scott, who thinks he was out partying until 2am. Luckily, Khloe comes to his defense: “You have to believe in him a little and maybe he’ll believe in himself.” Awww!
After a week of good behavior, Kourtney has a surprise for Scott: she’s brought his convertible Rolls-Royce out from L.A. One close shave and over-the-top suit later:
“The Lord is back!”