When Kanye West proposed to Kim Kardashian in a quarter-million dollar way, he made a big statement. No, we’re not thinking “Girl, I want to marry you really, really a lot.” More like, this wedding is going to be ridiculous. Honestly, we would expect nothing less from the glammy-glam, media-hungry, spotlight-hogging couple. But since they’re likely so busy with their everyday lives, we’ve come up with a few wedding themes to help them out. You’re welcome in advance, guys.
1. Under the Ye
Who cares if prom’s favorite theme, “Under the Sea,” has gotten tired, even for a school dance. To us, it’s still the best chance to show off our secret gill-filled fantasies, and we can imagine Kim’s no different. But imagine if you had more than just the budget of a few bake sale-raised buckaroos.
We’re thinking a room — nay, an arena — completely tricked out like it’s the sea. Hand-blown glass structures of seaweed and fish, shaped into chairs for guests, bubbles made of diamonds and crystals, each fueled by a mini jet-pack, floating around the enormous venue, as party favors.
A glass-bottomed floor with models dressed as mermaids swimming underneath, trumpets and whale calls from real whales as Kim walks down an aisle. Baby Nori will be dressed in a haute couture exotic fish-inspired dress, a weave of ethereal hair floating after her as she crawls majestically down the aisle, tossing jewel-encrusted sea flowers before her parents’ feet. Your gymnasium covered in paper cutouts can suck it.
2. The Grammys
We interrupt your regularly scheduled lavish, over-the-top evening of self-celebration and group hugs to bring you Kimye’s wedding. Forget presenters presenting things to other people.
At Kim and Kanye’s wedding/the new Grammys, all the awards go to them, and rightfully so. In fact, the actual Grammy Award winners list will be broadcast only as a running text at the bottom of your screens so that we can just watch Kim and Kanye be beautiful on stage.
Every performance will be a Kanye performance except for the one where Kim sings her 2011 hit “Jam (Turn It Up),” for which she will win a new award called “Female of the Year.” Because she is.
3. New York Kardwestian Week
Both Kim and Kanye love flash, being looked at, and fashion. So what better way to celebrate this trio of worthy interests than by sponsoring New York Fashion Week? We pick the Fall / Winter collection, since Kanye looks amazing in a pea coat.
Basically, it goes like this: Every catwalk is pretty much just an aisle already, and since everyone in the world wants to see Kimye get hitched, they’ll get married a bunch of times. As in, at every fashion show. Every single fashion show will end with Kim and Kanye model-walking down a runway and then saying their “I dos” in a super hip way. Plus, they totally get to keep the clothes.
What do you think Kim and Kanye’s wedding should look like? Where should it be? Tell us!