Kim Kardashian’s Fairytale Wedding, Part One Recap: Kris and Khloe Fight!

Tonight’s the night! After two excruciatingly long months, Kim Kardashian’s fairytale wedding is finally here!

Without giving too much away (and let’s be honest, even if we tried to tell you everything that happened in this two-hour long drama fest, we couldn’t), here’s a look at Kim’s Fairytale Wedding, Part One!

First, as if there was ever any doubt, let it be known Kim will have the most glamorous wedding EVER. But let’s be real: Kim might be the bride, but Mama Jenner’s the only one in charge here. And rightfully so: She did pull Khloe and Lamar’s (also televised) wedding together in 9 days. Still, Mama J, however, knows she has her work cut out for her. Kim has had 30 years to plan this shizz!

And while Mama J might mock Kim for “wanting to get married [quickly] so she looks good in photos,” the very first thing on Mama’s to-do list isn’t floral arrangements or gowns, it’s a facelift. For herself.

Thanks to her last-minute surgery, Kris is going to be MIA for 48 hours, so somebody else has to captain this ship! Kourtney, Khloe, Lamar, Mama J, Bruce, Rob, Scott, and Kim all gather ‘round for a family meeting. While this should be a happy (albeit slightly stressful) moment, things take a turn for the worse when Kim’s NBA baller boy thinks he can slavedrive his future sister-in-law, Khloe. Do you know who you’re trying to order around here, Kris?

Kris even “jokes” about Lamar not getting a “plus one” to the wedding. You know what’s really awkward? Every time Kris Humphries opens his mouth. Kris might think he’s being cute and funny, but really he’s just annoying. We’re pretty solidly on Team Kourt and Khlo, but we’re not so sure Kourtney’s one to be doling out relationship advice. Just saying.

Anyway, who cares that the person you’re marrying is a total d-bag when there’s a fairytale wedding to be planned?

Kris pisses the fam off even more when he’s late to meet Kim and Mama J at Gearys. We get it — picking out china and hand towels is sort of a big deal when you’re planning a wedding — but we’re sort of on his side: The way these ladies put Kris through the ringer, you’d think he’d missed the actual ceremony. Plus, was anybody really shocked? The only thing that made us think twice was the fact that Kris Humphries gave a flying J about china designs — that is until we remembered he has an (annoying) opinion about everything.

After the awkward shopping trip, Mama J goes under the knife and Kim’s really concerned. Somebody for reals shoulda hooked the chick up with a freakin’ Xanax. She’s terrified!

Back at the Jenner house, Kris and Khloe are at each other’s throats again after Kris calls his future sister-in-law an “inappropriate attention seeker.” We’re kinda bored with all this Kris nonsense already. Did we forget this show/wedding is all about Kim?

Also, we’ll be the first to admit Scott Disick is super douche, but it’s kinda adorb that he sticks up for his future brother-in-law and tells Kourt she and Khloe should back off before they push Kris away from Kim. He has some advice for Kris, too, which we will sum up with an acronym: STFU. We guess he would know!

Later, we witness the most awkward engagement party ever. Seriously though, why is this party at Khloe’s? Asking for drama much? Still, the decorations are so Kim, and so amazeballs, that we gotta hand it to her.

Also, let us all rejoice in the fact that Mama J’s face came out looking normal. Khloe totally takes the cake on on quips during Kris’s big new-face reveal. “Your hair is shorter than a vagina’s bush?” and “Your neck doesn’t look like leather anymore!” Klassic.

Then it’s time to play dress-up at Vera Wang! As if we didn’t envy her enough already, Kim looks like a princess in every single gown.  At least she’s bound to look good when she vows her life away!

Oh, and props to Khloe for bringing up the pre-nup sitch — especially with how fickle Kris “Hump” can be! Seriously though, we’re getting really sick of the drama. Can we just see Kim walk down the aisle, plz?

Fast forward through an argument about sparkles (come on now, this is Kim K we’re talking about!), Kim confronting Khloe about not caring enough about Mom’s surgery, and Hump trying to get more involved in the planning by suggesting Five Guys Burgers and Fries for wedding food. Yeah. That happened.

Then it’s attack of the Bridezilla and Momzilla! Mama J’s usually on her shizz, but this time she forgot one important deet: to rent cars for Kris’ side of the family. Uh, (big freaking) oops! Was this staged? Also great is that Kim locked down her dream location. It seems like things are really falling in place! Except for the part where “Hump” has nothing to do with, um, anything. Whatev. Details.

Finally though, Kris opens that big mouth of his and tells Kim he feels like he’s disposable in the planning process. As much as we dislike the dude at this point, given that this is Kim’s second ceremony, maybe he should get more of a say? Lucky for Kim, Kris loves the location (that she picked without him). Whew! Disaster averted!

However, Hump does bring up his argument with Khloe from earlier (the one in which Khloe “questioned” Kris’s intentions in marrying her uber-famous sibling), which leads to a blow-up between the two sisters. Hey, it was bound to happen! (And can we just talk about how Kris totally “questioned” Khloe’s marriage from the get-go? Hypocrite to the max!)

Still, we’re glad it’s all out in the open. Everybody hates Kris! What will that mean once the actual ceremony happens? We have an inkling Kim’s “fairytale” could turn into a nightmare real quick.

Lamar’s obnoxious farting and Rob’s pound-packing aside, the first part of this special was pretty awesome. We can’t wait until tomorrow when we get to see the actual ceremony. And by “ceremony,” we mean Kim’s custom-designed Vera Wang dresses!