Bachelorette 2013 Hot Mess of the Week: Zak Waddell
Credit: Lou Rocco/ABC Television Group © 2013 Disney    

The Bachelorette

Bachelorette 2013 Hot Mess of the Week: Zak Waddell

Zak Waddell managed to make it through this week's entire episode of The Bachelorette without stripping off his manties (man panties, obviously), wandering over to some random balcony, and wagging the fruits of his loom to innocent passerby. Which means ABC didn't have to pay their indentured servants overtime to place a giant black box over his danger zone (again)!

That's the good news. The bad news? Someone made the mistake of leaving a guitar in Zak's presence, and he transformed into John Mayer's unwanted brother-from-another-mother. It was like our favorite ‘90s book series, Animorphs, all over again, only instead of preteens morphing into flies, Zak turned into an emo singer-songwriter.

You see, while the rest of Zak's friends were having fun fulfilling their transvestite fantasies (never change, Chris Siegfried), Zak decided to croon the following lyrics at Desiree: "I know a girl who shares her time, crash course for love she's sailing by, just like ghosts they blew away, haunted by the rose each day."

So... this song is about a prostitute who has sex with ghosts and also phantom roses? Because that's what we're taking away from it.

Anyway, just when we thought Zak would shut up, he emerged with another guitar during cocktail hour (STOP LEAVING GUITARS AROUND THE HOUSE, HARRISON) and was like "Oh hey, Des! I'm baaa-aaaaaack!" Turns out Zak had even more feelings that he wanted to sing about, and forced Desiree to sit on a loveseat while he serenaded her.

Did you see girlfriend's face? She wanted to laugh, cry, and drive a rose thorn through her own heart all at the same time. Which is understandable, considering this set of lyrics included gems like "her puppet fingers play our hearts," and "sold our souls to love and pain."

Our reading? Zak has a fetish for Miss Piggy, and he may or may not have sold his soul to Chris Harrison in order to feel Des stroke him with her "puppet fingers."