10. Lily's new bedtime story: The Very Slutty Starlet (Episode 1, "The Old Wagon")
Cam: If I have to read The Very Hungry Caterpillar one more time, I will snap!
9. Really, Mitchell (Jesse Tyler Ferguson)? A high-five? (Episode 2, "The Kiss")
Cam: I remember once at a New Year's Eve party, stroke of midnight, he high-fived me. Two problems with that: One, gays don't high-five. Two, gays don't high-five.
8. Mitchell's flash mob "love letter" is a fail (Episode 8, "Manny Get Your Gun")
Cam (to Mitchell): You cheated on me with choreography and that is the worst kind.
7. "The gays took over Thanksgiving" (Episode 6, "Halloween")
Cam (about Claire): That's a lot of complaining for somebody who asked for thirds of our tandoori turkey last year.
6. Cam and Mitchell meet the one preschool admissions combo that trumps "two gay dads with an Asian baby" (Episode 5, "Unplugged")
Cam: Disabled inter-racial lesbians? With an African American kicker? I did not see that coming.
5. Bon voyage! (Episode 7, "Chirp")
Cam (on Lily having a normal childhood): That gay cruise ship has sailed.
4. Children's books demand heavy analysis... at least in Cam's world (Episode 7, "Chirp")
Cam (on a book Mitchell bought for Lily): How was it "A Big Day for Biscuit," Mitchell? How?
3. Yep, it's a regular New York City (Episode 9, "Mother Tucker")
Cam: Missouri is more cosmopolitan than you give it credit for. It's got a very vibrant cowboy poetry scene.
2. Cam, like a candle in the wind... (Episode 3, "Earthquake")
Cam (on dating Pepper): It was the '90s, we'd just lost Princess Di. I was at sea.
1. Mitchell + power tools = disaster (Episode 1, "The Old Wagon")
Cam (to the camera): If an accident does happen, I hope he kills me, because I don't think I would be a very inspiring disabled person