Credit: Peter “Hopper” Stone/ABC Television Group © 2011 Disney Photo: Phil and Gloria in Season 3, Episode 11: “Lifetime Supply”

After weeks of gluttony, carolling, and making out with randoms at the stroke of 2012, the harrowing experience that was Modern Familys hiatus is over. This week, the crew are back and better than ever! Phil (Ty Burrell) develops a case of hypochondriasis, Cam (Eric Stonestreet) tries to undercut Mitchell’s (Jesse Tyler Ferguson) professional accomplishments and Luke (Nolan Gould) hangs with his old-man friend. Just the usual LOL-fest!

Six Feet (Almost) Under

There comes a time in every male cheerleader’s life to say goodbye. And that time is upon us. After a routine doctor’s visit, Phil’s physician makes the mistake of telling Phil that he’ll call if there’s bad news about a strange spot on his armpit.

And call he does, but Phil misses it. Naturally, Phil assumes he’s going to drop dead at any moment — and that’s just the beginning. First, the lifetime supply of razor blades that he won on a game show runs out, and then Gloria (Sofia Vergara) tells him that there was a bad omen in her dream. You know, just a mute black mouse of doom, NBD.

Meanwhile, Luke’s elderly friend Walt comes over to play some Nintendo, and Gloria stops by to teach Haley (Sarah Hyland) Spanish. Phil lingers in the corner on the verge of ugly-crying during both hang-outs, thinking about how much he’ll miss his kiddos. Poor guy — at least he lived life to the fullest: Playing Quidditch and making tree forts.

My Home Town

Manny’s (Rico Rodriguez) grifter dad Javier (played ruggedly by eye candy Benjamin Bratt) is back in town, and this time he’s dressed to impress. Javier wants to take Manny to the horse races, so he usurps Jay’s (Ed O'Neill) golfing plans (which is strictly for “old men and girls who like other girls,” according to Javier), and the three of them go to the race track. Poor Manny gets stuck in the middle of Jay and Javier’s not-so-friendly betting, but ends up taking Javier’s side because he can read horse minds. Basically, he’s the horse whisperer (not to be confused with a dog whisperer, and definitely not to be confused with Jennifer Love Hewitt, a ghost whisperer).

Meanwhile, Gloria describes her nightmare to Jay about a deranged black mouse on a staircase in a meadow (alert the “logic police”), which in her country means something horrifying is on the horizon. You guessed it. Phil is obviously El Muerto.

Credit: Peter “Hopper” Stone/ABC Television Group © 2011 Disney Photo: Phil and Claire in Season 3, Episode 11: “Lifetime Supply”

And The Oscar Goes To...

Time to check in on Mitchell and Cam — or Fizbo and Spiderman, as we like to call them. Mitchell is all aflutter after winning an Environmental Law award, which gives Cam a major case of the jellies — especially when Mitch sticks his trophy on the mantelpiece. When Cam puts his own enormous trophy on display (which is for accomplishments in fly fishing), Mitchell can’t take the heat and pitches a fit about how fishing isn’t a real sport. The nerve!

Ridden with guilt and love, Mitchell finds Cam’s box of trophies hidden away in the garage, and decides to make an elaborate mantelpiece display of all the awards Cam has won. Unfortch, a mouse crawls out of the box and Mitchell drops all the trophies just as Cam and Lily come home. That’s right: Another mouse of doom. 

The Results Are In!

The entire family gathers back at the Dunphy house to mourn Phil’s imminent death, the chances of which have skyrocketed to 95%, and as Claire tries to calm everyone down Phil gets a call from the doc— who just wants to ask Phil for some real estate advice. False alarm! 

The silver lining? At least the wacky pack (Cam in particular, with googly eyes) got to bask in the glorious equestrian expert that is Javier Delgado.  

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