Nashville's epic season finale came to us like a vision in a dream, full of the potential for our burning questions to be answered! Questions like, "What lives in Avery's (Jonathan Jackson) soul patch" and "how many illegitimate love children did Deacon (Charles Esten) father during his ‘90s bender?" Basically, it's the most important night of your life, so put on your favorite cowboy hat and settle in to the honkey tonk that is this recap.  

Papa Don't Preach
You guys, Maddie (Lennon Stella) is so bitter lately. It's like she's transferred from House Hufflepuff to House Slytherin, all because Deacon is her secret father. You'd think girlfriend would be thrilled to find out that she isn't related to the clinically dull creature known as Teddy Conrad (Eric Close), but whatever. Guess Deacon and his extremely wrinkled forehead just aren't good enough for her. Anyway, Maddie is super peeved at her parents for keeping Deacon's paternity a secret, so she shows up at his house (read: weird shack) and is like "Heyyyy, I'm your daughter..."

Naturally, this news inspires Deacon to spiral into a fit of contemplative sads, and he heads to his CMA performance with Rayna (Connie Britton) and Brad Paisley all kinds of traumatized. After sad-facing his way through their show, dude decides to confront Rayna moments before she’s supposed to find out if she won Female Vocalist of the Year, and her excuse for keeping such a huge secret? The fact that Deacon was a drunken mess when she got knocked up — a revelation that inspires him to once again become a drunken mess. Yep, Deacon ditches the CMAs, downs a couple (doz) brewskis, and goes on a rampage all over Nashville. By which we mean he beats up Teddy in a grassy knoll.

Oh, and speaking of Teddy, this poor soul finds out that Deacon knows he's Maddie's real father, and flies into a panic as he tries to calm down his faux daughter. The problem? He's kind of busy dealing with the fact that the U.S. Attorney General wants to put him in jail for that one awkward time he embezzled a couple mill, not to mention the fact that his ex-girlfriend, Peggy, is trying to destroy his life with the news that she's knocked up. That's right, Teddy has managed to impregnate yet another woman. We're so sorry, world. Lose one daughter, gain a fetus.

Zero Weddings and a Funeral
The CMAs are upon us, and Rayna and Juliette (Hayden Panettiere) are neck-and-neck in the race to win Female Vocalist of the Year! Of course, Rayna is a total hot mess thanks to her lying ovaries (bastard child of the cheating heart), and Juliette is a total hot mess thanks to the fact that her mom up and committed murder-suicide, but fear not — they both look amazing. So, who goes home with the award? Juliette, that's who! Though she's too busy singing to her mom's dead corpse to accept the prize.

By the way, we're so deeply worried about this gal. Juliette is not taking the news of her mom's suicide well. In fact, she's basically on the brink of a nervous breakdown. Let's just say we haven't seen her nostrils flare this much since that time she was around bean dip. Here's the deal: Jules bonds with Rayna about her mommy issues at Jolene’s (Sylvia Jefferies) funeral, and then finds a letter from her mom in which she declares her undying love and admits to ODing just to save her reputation. Poor Juliette just can't handle her emotions, so she changes into a paisley blouse and heads to The Bluebird to sing a melancholy memorial dirge with Avery (Jonathan Jackson). Yep, clearly girlfriend has lost her mind.

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Gin and Juice
Our souls are destroyed. As is our wardrobe, because we just shredded all our peasant dresses in a rage. Why? Because Scarlett (Clare Bowen) and Gunnar (Sam Palladio) have broken up, and to make matters worse, Scarlett's thisclose to making sweet love to Avery and his soul patch. Girlfriend is twanging her banjo in his direction, if you get our meaning (which you probably do), and they even perform a flirty song together at some creepy tavern while Gunnar watches in agony.

Naturally, Gunnar decides he'll do whatever it takes to win his backwoods princess back because he just wants to be Almanzo to her Laura Ingalls Wilder (yes, that's a Little House on the Prairie reference, deal with it), and his plan? Boyfriend heads over to Deacon's house for advice, finds him vomiting uncontrollably on his front porch, and then narcs on him to Scarlett and Coleman. Unfortunately, Deacon flies into a drunken rage and tries to kill Coleman, and then heads over to Juliette's Bluebird performance totally wasted.

Luckily, Rayna runs into him at the show and prevents him from drunk driving, and they have an emotional conversation set to the dulcet tones of Juliette's music. But wait, there's more! As Rayna and Deacon are gabbing off in front of Chez Bluebird, Gunnar spontaneously gets down on one knee and proposes to Scarlett (OUR BODIES ARE READY), but does she say yes? We have no idea, because Rayna totally steals the moment by crashing her car, and now both she and Deacon might be dead.

In the words of Nirvana, well, whatever, nevermind. We're just gonna go cry now. 

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