Please join us as we take a trip to Music City, a magical land full of nomadic minstrels who vomit up poems and wear bloomers. And FYI, Music City is code for Nashville, which is code for the best show on television. This week's episode is more dramatic than ever, and can pretty much be summarized in those three magic words: drunken toilet flirting.

While My Guitar Gently Weeps

Remember when Rayna Jaymes (Connie Britton) and Teddy Conrad (Eric Close) were all "Ah Luh Yew" and "Ah Luh Yew Too!"  Yeah, that's over. Turns out there's a traitor among us, and his name is Theodore. (At least we assume that's his full Christian name, but who really knows with that guy?) Teddy is basically an international man of mystery with weird fetishes for embezzling and feelings. And now he has the nerve to divorce Rayna? Pshhhhhhh (us throwing a Mountain Dew Big Gulp at the TV), how dare you, Teddy?

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Also, thanks to his complete failure at using phones, this dude ends up accidentally revealing to one of his nerd children that he's having an affair with Peggy, which prompts the poor wee thing to have a total breakdown and tell Rayna. Good going, Tederick.

As you might expect, Rayna is totally traumatized by all these ch-ch-ch-changes, and it's just like someone hand this lady an acoustic guitar. Or a tub of ice cream shaped like an acoustic guitar. But note –– she only eats Cherry Garcia, because music.

Rayna's emotions are all over the place, so what does she do? She sashays over to Liam McGuinness (Michiel Huisman), drags him to a bar, steals his fedora (thank god someone is stopping the madness), and drunkenly makes out with him next to a toilet. Oh, and she wanders onstage, forgets all her lyrics and has a total emotional breakdown. Basically, she's a hot mess, but fear not tender souls. We're sure some great jams will come out of this.

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So, what about Deacon (Charles Esten)? There's is literally nothing to report. This wayward grifter spends most of this episode being not-drunk, throwing back shots of H2 the IzzO and looking extremely tragic. Basically, he's in love with Rayna, but he's also in love with being sad, and it's just really hard for him to choose one of these two mistresses. Spread your wings and fly, Deacon! Fly into the bosom of Nashville and motorboat the music!

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Jailhouse Rock

Time to check in on Gunnar (Sam Palladio) and Scarlett (Clare Bowen), aka Nashville's resident soul-virgins. As usual, these two spend this episode not having sex, not making out, and tickling each other with their eyelashes while half naked. But the good news? Now that Scarlett and Gunnar are roommates, they can do what they do best –– write poems all day and sing at each other like wandering minstrels. In fact, Gunnar and Scarlett are getting so good at their dulcet tones that Rayna wants to sign them to her non-existent label! Hahahahahah, in your face Avery Barkley (Jonathan Jackson).

And speaking of Avery, we're worried. First of all, this dude still hasn't shaved his soul patch, and at this point we don't know what sinister things might be lurking in it. Second of all, Avery seems to be having an existential crisis about music, and he decides it's high time to re-find his voice. He's pretty much Ariel in the Little Mermaid after Ursula steals her vocal chord juice, but a man with a partial mullet. Which makes Gunnar's ex-girlfriend Hailee, Prince Eric. This gal wants to sign Avery to a co-publishing deal with a six-figure advance, so they meet up for drinks and obviously he takes the check!

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In other news, Gunnar's jailbird brother, Jason, has come back from the beyond (aka Jane by Design), and it looks like he's ready for another motel bromance session in which he and Guns make love with their eyes while simultaneously strumming each other's guitar strings.

Turns out dude wants a second chance, so Scarlett lets him crash on the couch for a couple days and they spend the entire time playing music together. BUT OMG WE'RE WORRIED. Jason has a gun –– what if he goes cray-cray and kills us through the television?

Breakin' Up Is Hard to Do

Remember when Juliette Barnes (Hayden Panettiere) wandered on stage wearing a giant linen smock, sang an acoustic song like an adorable court jester, and then everyone fell in love with her? Well, girlfriend is super excited about reinventing her sound, and we blame Deacon. Curse your incessantly sober motivational speeches!

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Now that Juliette is a singer-songwriter, she's all about revamping her tour –– which means getting rid of all the gyrating dancers. As you might expect, Glenn is less than thrilled, and he tells Juliette's entire crew to ignore her. Here go hell come! First, Deacon unleashes his tragic fury all over Glenn's unfortunate dye job, then Juliette spirals into a drunken fit of anger and tells all her employees that she's in charge, and then poor Glenn gives up on life and throws himself off a balcony into a pile of bean dip. Kidding! But he does quit her.

Bonus: Despite all her big talkin and tiny britches, it looks like Juliette is letting her mom move back in with her! So much sober fun to be had by all.