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Time to take a trip to Music City, a terrifying place where everyone makes love to guitars and innocent labrador retrievers get abducted by tragic singer-songwriters! So much is happening in the world of Nashville, fellow flower children. Not only is Rayna (Connie Britton) dealing with her divorce, Deacon (Charles Esten) has a new girlfriend (feel free to side-eye), Gunnar (Sam Palladio) and Scarlett (Clare Bowen) have finally consummated their virginal love in a fit of angelic sextacy, and Juliette (Hayden Panettiere) is mentoring Rayna's Hufflepuff-loving spawn. Basically, everything is happening and all of it is spectacular.

Dr. Do-Me-A-Little

Shhhh, everyone be quiet. Deacon is having feelings and everyone needs to pay attention. No, he isn't sobbing into a bottle of seltzer water about the plight of Old Yeller (why'd you have to die on us, buddy?), he's finally moving on from Rayna and Juliette — straight into the arms of some random veterinarian named Stacey (Susan Misner) who hates country music! And considering that Deacon's the most self-loathing person ever, we're thinking this is a match made in heaven.

 

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But what does Rayna think of Stacey? Let's just say she gets pretty territorial when Deacon introduces his gal pal backstage in NYC (that's right — dude took her on tour!), and Stacey thinks Deacon still has feelings for his long lost lady love / possible secret baby mama! Um, duh, Stacey. It's like you haven't even been watching the show. But it looks like girlfriend is in luck, because Deacon wants to quit music and settle down as a house husband, which we fully support.

Oh, and if you're worried about Avery (Jonathan Jackson), you should be. Now that this up-and-comer has turned into a pyromaniac and ditched his record deal, he's in breach of contract and can't get a gig anywhere in Nashville — not even at The Bluebird! The good news? Avery's old bandmate finds him groveling on a street corner (excuse us while we snicker), and convinces him to join some random band on tour in New York.

Menage A Trois

Look, we know Rayna's children are going through hard times or whatever, but we're worried that Maddie's concussion has gone to her head (LOL, get it?!). This poor dear was given a guitar by her mother, and naturally she's learned how to play over night and has now formed an adorable nerd-band with her sister. The problem? Rayna doesn't want her kiddos to follow in her footsteps! Annnnnd, enter Juliette.

Thanks to Juliette's encouragement, Rayna's daughters are desperate to become famous — and Rayna finally lets them take the stage during soundcheck to perform for her crew, which is pretty much like the geekiest / cutest thing ever, plus it unites everyone with FEELS! But Maddie, please listen to our words of wisdom. The Sorting Hat will never pick you if you keep serenading middle-aged people. Turn that guitar into a broomstick and get your head in the game.

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In other news, we are in crisis. Despite the fact that Gunnar and Scarlett have tenderly explored each other's bodies to the delicate sounds of banjo strumming, there is a traitor among us. Yep, Scarlett performed for Rayna alone because Gunnar was too busy being all bummed that his brother was murdered, and as a result, Rayna's only interested in signing her as a solo act. Naturally, everything gets really tense and manmotional when Gunnar and Scarlett's hunky new neighbor, Will, brings in the mail and Guns sees a package from Edge Hill! And yes, Will plays music. Because if you live in Nashville and don't play music, you might as well just crawl into a hole and rename yourself Teddy.

So, do we need to worry about Team Gunlett? Please, their love is eternal. In fact, when Scar offers not to sign onto Rayna's label, Gunnar is just all "ah luv yew" and forces her to! Because he's a great guy, sob!

Dante's Inferno

You know that mysteriously baby-faced man named Dante (Jay Hernandez) who claims to be Jolene's rehab sponsor and is now on tour with Juliette for no apparent reason? Well, he's totally scamming on our girl Jules, and it looks like this Princess of Pop is returning the favor! As we all know, Juliette has a thing for middle aged men who are newly sober (never forget her horrifying lovemaking sessions with Deacon), so duh — she and Dante end up making sweet love all over the place  after he advises her to take on corporate sponsors to pump up her publicity!

But move over, Juliette, the time has come to talk about Teddy. We know, we don't wait to either, but he's on the show and he refuses to stop wandering around in a suit. Anyway, this professional philanderer is still having an affair with Peggy, and she's taken to showing up at his house for afternoon delights now that the kids are in the Big Apple with Rayna. Basically, we've gone blind from the horror, which is why we're ending this recap. Bye forever.

Oh, but before we go, you'll be thrilled to know that Lamar is threatening to expose the fact that Peggy sold the news of her man's divorce to the tabloids — unless she convinces Teddy to build the town stadium on Lamar's property. Thank god someone is on Team Make It Stop, although Lamar up and has a heart attack at the end of this episode, so things aren't looking good on that front.