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In the immortal words of Madonna, "music brings the people together." Actually, scratch that. Madonna has no place in Nashville. In fact, we're pretty sure she'd have a bunch of cowboy boots hurled at her if she ever stepped foot in Music City, mostly because she doesn't know how to play the banjo. And also because things are getting super intense in this backwoods city. In fact, we fully expect Deacon Claybourne (Charles Esten) and Dante (Jay Hernandez) to have some kind of Sharks and Jets-style rumble in which they snap their fingers at each other and do a bunch of pada-burees. Which brings us to this week's recap!

The Heart Is A Lonely Hunter

OMG stop everything: Lamar (Powers Boothe) just had a heart attack. Shocking for two reasons: 1) He has a heart as opposed to a robot panel, and 2) We had no idea he was so old and decrepit. The good news? Dude isn't dead. The bad news? Rayna (Connie Britton) has to cancel her sold out New York City concert to go back and tend to him in Nashville, which is all kinds of inconvenient. Ugh, Lamar, couldn't you plan this bout with death at a better time?

Obviously, Rayna is totes worried about her pops, especially after he has a geriatric hissy fit when Watty White shows up at the hospital. Apparently, Watty had an affair with Lamar's wife, and clearly someone needs to hand Lamar a guitar so he can sing his feelings. Oh, wait — we can't. Because he just had another heart attack.

But enough about this old timer — the real question? How does Rayna's sudden departure affect Juliette (Hayden Panettiere)? Girlfriend is determined to use Rayna's absence to her advantage, and decides to perform an extra 10 songs during her show because Dante and his Inferno (read: man parts) said so. Unfortunately, Juliette's band isn't exactly on board with the new set list, and when we say "Juliette's band" we mean Deacon, who's taken a break from stroking Old Yeller (we mean that in more ways than one) to actually play some music.

Unfortunately, Deacon's guitar is gently weeping because Juliette has replaced him, and dude has a major case of the sads. In fact, he ditches Juliette's tour and flies back to Nashville to support Rayna! And no, we have no clue where his dog is.

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Big Willy Style

Time to check in on the tender love children known as Gunnar (Sam Palladio) and Scarlett (Clare Bowen). These innocent sprites are more in love than ever despite the fact that Scarlett has a fabulous new record deal at Rayna's "label," but there's just one problem: Gunnar refuses to make music in the wake of his brother's murder and, to make matters worse, next door neighbor Will (Chris Carmack) is totally scamming on Scarlett and her bloomers. We have a feeling it's only a matter of time before Will tries to rope this filly. Also, that was our attempt at making a cowboy analogy.

Either way, Gunnar is bumming hard, and watching Scarlett and Will perform at the bar to celebrate her record deal sends him over the edge. It's just like, how much more can one guy take? First, Gunnar's brother was murdered by a wandering street gang, then he started wearing a leather jacket despite our side-eyeing, and now this? Clearly dude needs a dose of fun. Which is presumably why he hops into a car with Will and almost gets himself flattened by a train for funzies. No comment.

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By the way, speaking of people on the brink of a mental breakdown, Avery (Jonathan Jackson) and his soul patch have moved to New York for a minute to haul bags for Juliette's band, and we're hoping he'll run into Meryl Streep circa The Devil Wears Prada so she can explain to him that man jewelry hasn't been socially acceptable since 2004. Unfortunately, the only person he runs into is Juliette, whom he catches having sex with Dante in a tour bus! And yes, it's completely horrifying. There's such a thing as too many goatees in the bedroom.

Naturally, Dante tries to fire Avery, which makes Deacon fly into a tizzy, causing his forehead to be even more wrinkled than ever. Looks like Avery's job is safe for now, but who knows how long it will be before Dante shivs him in some back alley?

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Indecent Proposal

Have you guys spent the past few nights dreaming about Teddy? Neither have we, but we have to check in on him because he's Mayor of Nashville — aka "the most important job in the world" (says no one). Anyway, Teddy (Eric Close) is in the midst of his sordid affair with Peggy (Kimberly Williams-Paisley), only little does he know that she was the one who exposed his divorce to the tabloids. Well, until Rayna's sister spill the beans. Dun, dun, dunnnn!

Meanwhile, back in New York, Juliette's mom is making out with Dante. Wait, what? Yes, everyone. Dante's inferno is hotter than ever, and the Barnes ladies are addicted to the flames. Here's the deal: Jolene (Sylvia Jefferies) is sober-sad because Dante has been spending all his time with Juliette, so she pitches a fit and then cougar-kisses him as Juliette walks in the room. Naturally, Juliette is horrified and tries not to vomit all over Dante's goatee, but then she simply ships her mom back to Nashville and hires Dante as her manager so they can keep having tantric sex. Get it, girl.