Oh, look, it's Deacon's (Charles Esten) birthday –– otherwise known as the most WTF-y episode of Nashville ever! This week's trip to Music City was a roller coaster of drama and dead bodies (pouring one out for you, Jason), but as usual, there were a few moments that made us scratch our heads in bemusement. We've rounded 'em up for you to enjoy — and remember: the hills are alive with the sound of music.
1. Deacon Is Weirdly Obsessed with Old Yeller
Everyone please find a puppy and apologize on behalf of Deacon "Dr. Doo-me-a-little" Claybourne. This tragic singer/songwriter seems to have a fetish for yellow Labs, and spends his birthdays ritualistically watching Old Yeller. Which, in case you've blocked out this part of your childhood, is a movie about an adorable dog that dies. Obviously, this is just further proof that Deacon is the saddest middle-aged dude ever, and honestly, we're worried that his Moleskine journal full of "song lyrics" is actually just a hate-blog about Labradors.
2. Scarlett and Gunnar Are Super Turned On by Death
We've been waiting for Scarlett (Clare Bowen) and Gunnar (Sam Palladio) to tenderly sexplore each other's bodies for weeks, but we thought the moment would be candlelit, virginal, and full of gentle singing, or at the very least orgasmic humming. But instead? Instead Gunnar told Scarlett a romantic story about how his brother was beaten to death in an alley, which apparently totally turned both of them on. Did you see the feverish way Gunnar ripped off his extremely tiny vest in a fit or erotic passion? Somewhere, the ghost of Jason's guitar gently weeps.
3. Deacon Has A Puppy
The time has come to call the Humane Society and lodge an official complaint. For some terrifying reason, Juliette (Hayden Panettiere) thought it would be a good idea to gift Deacon an innocent puppy, and we are more than a little terrified about this little guy's life span. It's like, first this poor dog almost suffocates in a gift box, and then he finally comes out for air and finds himself face-to-face with Deacon's tragic forehead wrinkles. And considering that Deacon can barely find the energy to feed himself and goes off the rail in fits of sober rage, we're really worried this puppy is going to subsist on a diet of Deacon's tears and the occasional discarded can of Cheez Whiz.
4. Rayna Lands Cover Of Cheapest Tabloid Ever
Can we all take a moment to appreciate how adorably un-famous Rayna (Connie Britton) is? While most celebrity controversies land on the covers of Us Weekly, People, or OK!, Rayna's divorce scandal appeared in a tabloid that we're pretty sure was made out of tissue paper and scotch tape. Like, that thing didn't even have a glossy cover. Also, note to Rayna: buying up all the magazines in one grocery store will not prevent them from being sold in every other grocery store ever.
5. Masks Of Deacon's Face Cause World Wide Night Terrors
Remember when Deacon casually sashayed into The Bluebird and was greeted by a sea of hillbillies holding masks of his face? Neither do we, because our therapist told us to pretend like it never happened. Look, we have a hard enough time dealing with one Deacon in our lives, but his ridiculously tragic face in multiples was just too much for our hearts to handle. Let's just say we wrote 20 acoustic songs about feelings in the brief moment that Deacon's face took over the world.
BONUS: Gunnar Should Never Do An Impression of That One Time He Worked at a Grocery Store EVER AGAIN
That is all.