First of all, why did 2012 MTV Movie Awards host Russell Brand keep shouting “Twilight! Hunger Games!” over and over during his opening monologue instead of adding “Harry Potter!” or even “Bridesmaids!”?
Still, those were the least of Russell’s controversial words. In the space of a few minutes, Russell offered Charlie Sheen a bottle of Hennessy and a gram of coke, poked fun at how he met ex-wife Katy Perry the last time he was at the MTV Movie Awards, joked about Justin Bieber getting gang-banged in prison — and admired both Michael Fassbender’s and Alec Baldwin’s nether regions.
Here are some highlights/lowlights from Russell’s intro.
• On Justin Bieber beating up a paparazzi — “Well done, Justin! [...] Justin, though, is so pretty that I think even if he was attacking me I would do a little orgasm." Russell also offered a long joke about what would happen if Justin went to jail; he'd get nightly gang beatings in the shower, but "in some quiet part of himself he'll be thinking 'At least I got away from them bloody screaming girls!'"
• On Kim Kardashian and Kanye West — "If after recent events you think it's hypocritical of me to joke about a celebrity beating up a paparazzi, wait till you hear what I've got to say about short-lived celebrity marriages." He said he admired new couple Kim and Kanye for taking the pressure off him. Russell hoped the two of them would do a new sex tape, but he offered some advice first. "Don't drink before the sex tape, Kanye. Learn the lessons of the VMAs. When you're drunk, you do have a propensity to pounce on unsuspecting girls from the rear with a bottle in your hand."
• Charlie Sheen’s cameo — Charlie was in the audience giving “Yikes, are we really watching this?” looks, then he got a call out from Russell. "You do look well and relatively sober,” Russell said, “so what I've done is I've taped a bottle of Hennessy and gram of coke under your chair. In case I start going crazy, just nick it — do a couple of lines! Release the Tiger Blood hero!"
• Fassy time — Russell said Shame star Michael Fassbender (sitting next to Prometheus co-star Charlize Theron) should be roundly condemned for profitting from sex addiction. "I did literally go to school with Michael Fassbender and I'm embarrassed to admit that at the time I didn't notice his huge engorged talent as I was too busy staring at his massive cock." The "cock" part was bleeped out.
• Political dig — When talking about how the MTV Movie Awards are special because we vote for the winners, Russell said, "I don't vote, as I believe democracy is a pointless spectacle where we choose between two indistinguishable political parties, neither of whom represent the people but the interests of the powerful businesses ... that run the world."
• Plug for his film Rock of Ages — "Go and see it mostly for Alec Baldwin, a man so macho he acutally has hair on the shaft of his penis."
• Inevitable John Travolta joke — He said he gave John Travolta a massage, which JT needed ‘cause he was so stiff. But now he’s really relaxed.
• Are you listening, Katy Perry? — “The last time I did an MTV Awards show I did end up marrying someone that was there. So tonight I’m going to keep my eyes peeled for my next wife. Fassbender!”
What did you think of the opening? Awful? Hilarious? Better, at least, than the awkward moment right afterward between Mila Kunis, Mark Wahlberg and whoever was in the audience?