Ever wonder what it would be like if Jess (Zooey Deschanel) slept with Mitt Romney? No? Well, the dreams you never had have come true.

Liz Meriwether, the adorkable personality behind New Girl, wrote a hilarious story detailing her fictional sexcapades with Obama and Romney for the May 4 issue of The Hollywood Reporter. “When I'm deciding who gets my vote, I need to consider every possible angle,” she writes. “Basically, I need to sleep with the guy.”

She's very thorough.

On her night with Obama: “Obama obliged in 2008, and we had an earth-shattering night that ended in partial numbness in my left leg.”

On preparing for her dalliance with Romney: “I'd never been to the house of a Mormon before, but I'd seen the movie Witness, so I knew to wear my sexiest bonnet and to bring oats for the horses.”

So Jess. Areweright?

Read the full story at The Hollywood Reporter.