Even if this was a list of the top 100 quotes from the New Girl episode “Injured” we’d still have trouble whittling it down to our absolute favorites. The FOX comedy is just that funny.
But we’ve accomplished the impossible, so prepare to pee your pants. Again.
10. Now that’s compassion
Schmidt (Max Greenfield): I wish I could trade places with you, because you know what, Nick? I would do it in a second. But I’m also glad that I can’t.
9. One word: disturbing
Lady at the bar, to Nick as he takes a pill: I take those too, when I have a heavy flow.
8. Real impressive
Nick (Jake Johnson), to Jess (Zooey Deschanel): I’ve done things. I wrote half a book about zombies.
Jess: I’ll hold your wallet.
Nick: I don’t have a wallet. I have a sandwich bag with my license and money in it.
6. You don’t say…
Nick: Jess, is Sadie a gynecologist?
Jess: No, she’s an OB/GYN. Different thing. […] Nick, she’s a wizard with a speculum.
Nick: I don’t have a vagina.
5. Are you sure you don’t have a vag, Nick?
Nick, to the gang: Can I just say that these pills are amazing? I feel, like, really warm in my uterus.
4. Definitely the Snow White witch
Jess, to Nick: Are you sure you’re OK? You’re walking like a Disney witch.
3. Oh, snap!
Sadie, to Nick: Jess tried to tackle a girl I was dating once.
Jess: She stole my overalls.
2. It’s out!
Winston (Lamorne Morris), to Schmidt: I’m a little drunk, and I can’t be too sure, but I think you’re about to finally see your best friend’s penis.
Schmidt: He’s going to show his penis to the ocean and not me? Nick, wait!
1. Tact, Schmidt! Tact!
Schmidt, after Nick breaks down about his terrible day: I don’t think this is the right time to bring this up, you guys, but does anyone else think Nick could stand to lose five to seven pounds?