Even if this was a list of the top 100 quotes from the New Girl episode “The 23rd” we’d still have trouble whittling it down to our absolute favorites. The FOX comedy is just that funny.
But we’ve accomplished the impossible, so prepare to pee your pants. Again.
11. The song is officially ruined
Kim: I guess I’m going to have to be Sexy Santa next year.
Schmidt (Max Greenfield): I just got a “jingle bell rock,” if you know what I mean.
Kim: That is so inappropriate.
10. Cece just opened a can o’ worms — pasty, shirtless worms
Cece (Hannah Simone), about Kim, the lady who makes Schmidt dress up as “Sexy Santa”: You just got to tell her no, otherwise all she’ll do is see you as a pretty face and a hot body.
Schmidt: I’m sorry, what was that?
Cece: You have a pretty face?
Schmidt: No, no the second part. I’d like you to say it in an accent, but make direct eye contact.
9. If you haven’t already, watch this kid in Bridesmaids. Hi-larious
Schmidt’s boss, to Winston (Lamorne Morris): I can’t believe he’s even talking to you. He doesn’t like anyone.
Schmidt’s boss’s kid: Yeah, I don’t like anyone.
Schmidt’s boss: Yeah, but we’re really working on that.
Schmidt’s boss’s kid: No, she’s working on that.
8. Yeah, Hannukah!
Schmidt: Oh, a menorah! Judaism, son.
7. No, he’s not
Schmidt: Look at this: “Merry Christmas, Brendan. Don’t swallow these. Love, Uncle Nick.”
Nick (Jake Johnson): It’s a great gift. It’s a 12-year-old kid, it’s a bunch of tacks. He’s gonna love ‘em.
6. Oh, noes...
Winston: You’re a really smart kid, and for that, Santa’s going to bring you extra presents this year.
Kid: Really? Thank you, LaBron!
5. Explains a lot
Schmidt: I had figure-skating lessons until I was 13, and then my mom sobered up and realized I was a boy.
4. And Schmidt’s mom thought he was a girl...
Cece: Remember when Christmas used to be fun and I all I had to do was worry about my drunk uncle asking me out?
Jess (Zooey Deschanel): Yes, Uncle Pardeep! He thought I was a boy.
3. Schmidt has a dream...
Schmidt: You need to take me seriously, Kim.
Kim: Does that mean no more sexy Easter Bunny?
Schmidt: No more sexy Easter Bunny.
Kim: What about Cinco de Sexy?
Schmidt: No Cinco de Sexy.
Kim: And no sexy Martin Luther King?
Schmidt: I could never get the voice. I never really felt like I had the authority.
2. Think before you speak, Schmidt
Schmidt: Kim, I’m not a sex object. I’m your employee, and I work harder than anyone. I’m the first one to show up every morning.
Kim: No, you’re not.
Schmidt: There’s never a parking space.
Kim: Because everyone’s already here.
1. It’s a true puzzle
Winston, to the kid: Oh, you mean Schmidt. He was just dressing up like Santa.
Kid: Then why didn’t he have a shirt?
Winston: You know, we ask ourselves that question every single day.