Even if this was a list of the top 100 quotes from the New Girl episode “See Ya” we’d still have trouble whittling it down to our absolute favorites. The FOX comedy is just that funny.
But we’ve accomplished the impossible, so prepare to pee your pants. Again.
12. Mmm, tasty
Winston (Lamorne Morris): The werewolves come out at night, man. I don’t want nobody to eat me! I got thick thighs! I got a fat ass!
11. Meep meep
Jess (Zooey Deschanel): To beat the coyote, you have to be the coyote.
Nick (Jake Johnson): That’s what I thought you were going to say. That’s a very dumb idea, don’t do this.
10. So Schmidt gets his relationship advice from Jack London?
Schmidt (Max Greenfield): [Cece’s] never going to be happy with a guy like me. That’s why I’m gonna have to White Fang her.
Jess: Schmidt, come on. Look, I try not to judge what you guys do, but please don’t tell me things like that.
Schmidt: No, Jess, Jess, the book. White Fang.
9. That’s just awkward
Neil (Tom Lennon): I am in human resources, well, I used to be. I had the unique experience of having to let myself go. I did not take it well.
8. No, but there will be w(h)ining
Schmidt: We need to have a talk.
Cece (Hannah Simone): Alright. This isn’t another one of those “Merlot is the whore of the vineyard” talks, is it?
7. And that’s another red flag
Neil: Get ready for songs, because I am kind of a troubadour.
6. Super impressive
Schmidt: And I have more than one book on my Kindle. And a subscription to Cricket. And a lot of PDFs.
5. It’s a valid point
Jess, to Nick: You are making a huge, life-ruining mistake by moving in with a woman who turned you into an agoraphobic, turtle-faced borderline alcoholic.
4. Drum-circle Schmidt would’ve been all over those cookies
Schmidt, to Nick, while eating a cookie: Is this a freaking carob chip? What, are you trying to buy our love with hippie chocolate?
3. Stay close, Schmidtty
Winston: I’m worried about Schmidt. He’s a Jew in the desert. I don’t want him to wander.
2. He’s hardly poetic
Schmidt, on his healed penis: The old Washington Monument, ready to serve this great nation once again. It’s time to make this horse into a unicorn.
1. Neil’s obviously into cutting-edge technology
Winston, to Neil: Neil, tell us about yourself. Anything we should know, aside from the fact that you responded to our Craigslist ad with a fax?