Even if this was a list of the top 100 quotes from the New Girl episode “Jess and Julia” we’d still have trouble whittling it down to our absolute favorites. The FOX comedy is just that funny.
But we’ve accomplished the impossible, so prepare to pee your pants. Again.
13. She does have scary-big eyes
Jess (Zooey Deschanel): Oh, I didn’t know I was doing a thing.
Julia (Lizzy Caplan): It’s a great thing. I mean, the big, beautiful eyes — like a scared baby. I’m sure that gets you out of all kinds of stuff.
Jess: Yeah, yeah, except my peripheral vision’s almost too good.
12. Nick has a very high opinion of himself
Nick (Jake Johnson): I’m not good at being a boyfriend; I’m good at being that guy that you find yourself spending more and more time with until you meet your husband.
11. Girls create humidity? Who knew
Schmidt (Max Greenfield), to Jess and Julia while getting out of the shower: Damp towel, damp! It’s like a really big wet nap. I feel like I’m being licked by a golden retriever. Look at this bathroom. There should not be two girls in this bathroom. You’re too humid.
10. It’s Schmidt’s duck call
Gina (Michaela Watkins), to Schmidt: Did you just hear the phrase “lesbian community” and come running out of your room?
Schmidt: Yes, I did. Question for you: This community you speak of, do the ladies look more like this one [points at Cece] or kinda Nickish?
9. How dare she
Jess: One time a girl said to me, “Jess, you rock a lot of polka dots.”
Gina: Ooh, how did she say it?
Jess: “Jess, you rock a lot of polka dots... “
Cece (Hannah Simone): Diabolical.
8. Julia would not be a good third grade teacher
Jess, to Julia: If I acted like you at work my students would turn in really weird, dark dioramas.
7. So off-putting
Nick, to Julia: I’m having sex all the time. I’m like a mailman, except instead of mail, it’s hot sex that I deliver.
6. Don’t mess with Jess
Cece: Nick, where is this bitch? I’m going to smack the lawyer-learning right out of her mouth.
5. It’s like an egg hunt... minus the eggs
Jess: Hey, Julia. It’s so fun having another girl here. [whispers] There are tampons hidden all over the apartment.
4. Even Jess’s tirades are cutesy
Jess, to Julia: I brake for birds, I rock a lot of polka dots, I have touched glitter in the last 24 hours, [...] and I find it fundamentally strange that you’re not a dessert person. That’s just weird, and it freaks me out. And I’m sorry I don’t talk like Murphy Brown, and I hate your pantsuit. I wish it had ribbons on it, or something to make it just slightly cuter.
3. You can order them like that?
Jess, to Julia: I’m about to go pay this $800 fine, and my checks have baby farm animals on them, bitch!
2. Schmidt was asking for it
Gina, after Schmidt falls and his towel falls off: See, he’s a natural blond.
Cece: What shape is that supposed to be shaved into?
Jess: I think he’s trying to force perspective... [to Schmidt] You are Jewish.
Gina: You’re making me gayer.
1. If Schmidt had manned immigration control back then, America would have been overcrowded
Julia: Hey, so living here is probably fun, right? There are, like, lots of girls coming in and out of this place?
Jess: Schmidt’s like Ellis Island in the 1800s: He accepts everyone.