Even if this was a list of the top 100 quotes from the New Girl episode “Tomatoes” we’d still have trouble whittling it down to our absolute favorites. The FOX comedy is just that funny.
But we’ve accomplished the impossible, so prepare to pee your pants. Again.
13. Smart move, buddy
Nick (Jake Johnson): I’ve decided to give up on women, and put all my energy into tomatoes.
12. Oh dear
Cece’s Russian roommate, Nadia, who’s just opened the door for Schmidt: Cece, the Jewish is here to make sex.
Schmidt (Max Greenfield): Um, it’s actually Schmidt. We’ve met many times.
Roommate: I hear you make sex through Cece wall. You sound like dog being stepped on. [makes noises]
Schmidt: Any noises I make, they come from a very truthful place.
11. Jess lies so well
Jess (Zooey Deschanel), to Ouli (guest star Jeanne Tripplehorn): I’m just like, “Russell, put away the passion and show me a moderately good time.”
10. It’s Jess!
Jess, on Nick’s tomato plan: He’s sowing the seeds for a more fruitful tomorrow. He is turning over a new leaf.
Nick: Jess, please don’t do plant metaphors right now.
Jess: I’ll trim it back a little bit.
Nick: OK, but you did it again.
Jess: It’s just ripe with plant metaphors.
Nick: Stop. [to the group] I’m looking at you guys, and I’m realizing there’s the possibility for happiness.
Jess: A little dapple of sunlight.
Nick, to Jess: Go.
9. It got weird with tomatoes
Nick: Jess, you’re dating the man that I could see myself growing old with. Russell, you got a great-looking face. Your jawline could cut glass. Hold on tight, sister. Don’t let that one slip away.
Russell (guest star Dermot Mulroney): It’s getting weird, Nick.
8. Yep, they can
Nadia, while looking at Schmidt: I like his face. I want to punch, punch, punch.
Schmidt: Beautiful women... You guys can say just about anything, can’t you?
7. And Jess was in a bikini...
Jess, on her awkward steam room encounter with Ouli: It was really foggy, and I kept making eye contact with her nipples...
6. Points for historical accuracy
Schmidt: Fine, twist my arm. I’ll go out with the hot Russian model whose ancestors probably burned down my ancestors’ village.
5. Good point
Jess: Are you going to let him go out with Nadia? She was kicked out of Russia, Cece. Russia.
4. Yeah, that one went over our heads too
Cece (Hannah Simone): So Nadia’s excited for your date tonight.
Schmidt: I bet.
Cece: Make sure you use protection.
Schmidt: She’s a foreigner, Cece. Do I look like an idiot?
Cece: Seriously, she doesn’t even know where she’s been.
Schmidt: What, are we at Santa’s family reunion? ‘Cause the Clauses are coming out. [awkward pause] The claws are coming out? You’re being catty, Cece. [runs away]
3. Feeling violent, Nick?
Winston (Lamorne Morris), as Nick shoves his scarecrow into the trash: What is this, Martin Scorsese’s Wizard of Oz?
2. Cece in yoga pants is a dangerous thing
Schmidt, to Cece: Oh my God, my penis is having a heart attack. [...] Call a nurse, call a male nurse, a heavyset male nurse would be nice. Describe it to them as a battered highway cone.
1. That game’s gotta hurt
Winston: So how long you gotta ice that thing?
Schmidt: Eight weeks. If I have any excitement, it’s excruciating pain.
Schmidt: I love boobies. [feels pain]
Winston: Girls with clean hair.
Schmidt: Winston, this is the least funny game we’ve ever played.
Winston, while Schmidt moans in pain: Models eating sliders. Bernadette Peters on a high beam. Freshly baked bread.