Credit: Greg Gayne/FOX ©2011 Fox Broadcasting Co. Photo: Jess and Cece on New Girl Season 1, Episode 8: "Bad in Bed"

Even if this was a list of the top 100 quotes from the New Girl episode “Bad in Bed” we’d still have trouble whittling it down to our absolute favorites. The FOX comedy is just that funny.

But we’ve accomplished the impossible, so prepare to pee your pants. Again.

14. Those are voices...
Jess (Zooey Deschanel), in an olden-timey voice to Paul (guest star Justin Long): Hello, weather service. Oh, there’s a heat wave from Portsmouth to Port Kansas.
Paul: What is happening?
Jess: We’re talking dirty, Slim.
Paul: Oh, OK, you want me to do a voice... [in Jimmy Stewart voice] I’m so happy to be here! You look ravishing in your netting contraption.

13. Jess puts a new twist on the old Nike slogan
Jess, to herself in the mirror: Hey, Tiger, you’re having sex tonight. Don’t give me that look: Just do it.

12. Dr. No-She-Didn’t!
Schmidt (Max Greenfield), to his overly ambitious co-worker as she walks away: Are you, like, a Bond villain? You just told me your whole plan.

11. Not a bonnet
Jess, who has a pair of lacy panties on her head: Mr. Darcy’s going to love my new bonnet.

10. Clock’s a-ticking, fellas
Jess, to the guys: Help me, guys. I have 15 minutes. Teach me how to be good at sex.

9. And he was listening, why?
Schmidt, to Nick (Jake Johnson): I used to listen to you and Caroline all the time in college. It was like listening to a rescue crew try to communicate with a stranded miner. “Are you OK?” “Yeah.” “Are you OK?” “Yeah.”

8. She’s sounds quite talented
Jess, on a porno: My main thing that I took away was gosh, that young lady can really multitask.

7. Please don’t try to talk dirty, Jess
Jess, while playing with her new starfish lingerie: I hope Paul’s packing some coral polyps, because this starfish is hungry.

6. Correct, Paul
Jess, to Paul: Tomorrow night, let’s just out to dinner and then let’s just nail each other. Just pound each other. [points to Paul] V-bomb on the p-bomb [points to herself].
Paul: I would have the p-bomb, right?

5. “Searching for some syrups”? What?
Jess, to the guys: Heads up, Paul’s coming tonight... and I just want to tell you that I’m gonna tap him like a maple tree. I’m gonna be searching for some syrups. I’m going to be having sex with him.

4. It certainly doesn’t come off easy
Paul, on Jess’s starfish lingerie: It’s like an erotic rope course.

3. All this tree imagery is disturbing
Jess, to Paul: I’m gonna split you like a log!

2. Poor girl
Jess: Everything I learned about sex I learned from Spencer or the Clinton impeachment trials.

1. That’s not at all what they say
Schmidt, at his boss’s baby shower: Hey, ladies. What are you guys talking about?
Schmidt’s boss: Afterbirth.
Schmidt: Afterbirth. That’s, like, the party you guys have after you have the baby...
Schmidt’s boss: Sort of.
Schmidt: I’d like to be invited to that. You know what they say: “An afterbirth ain’t an afterbirth without some Schmidt up in there.”