Credit: Ray Mickshaw/FOX ©2011 Fox Broadcasting Co. Photo: Jess and Schmidt Have a Heart-to-Heart on New Girl Season 1, Episode 10: "The Story of the 50"

Even if this was a list of the top 100 quotes from the New Girl episode “The Story of the 50” we’d still have trouble whittling it down to our absolute favorites. The FOX comedy is just that funny.

But we’ve accomplished the impossible, so prepare to pee your lap-dance pants. Again.

15. Of course Jess has a Yelp persona
Jess (Zooey Deschanel):
You should torch them on Yelp. Actually I can do it. I have an account under Fantastique Choque. He’s a French diplomat with very little patience.

14. High times
Tania, to the party bus group:
And I have drugs!
Jess:
Tania has half a pot cookie, so maybe she’ll share if you’re lucky.

13. Wolf-hawks and warrior-poets? Did someone share the pot cookie with Tania?
The male stripper:
What about your persona?
Schmidt (Max Greenfield):
Like a fireman or a cop?
Male stripper:
I didn’t ask you your character. Your persona. I’m a wolf-hawk, what’re you?
Schmidt:
Luxury... dessert... I’m a warrior-poet, man.

12. Jess embraces the language of Schmidt
Schmidt, drinking from a red cup:
Brojuice?
Jess:
VodkaPom, right? Winston said it was a tradish.

11. Nick dodges the question
Nick (Jake Johnson):
I’m sorry, I do have to go.
Winston: Where are you going? And why are you wearing your jury duty pants?
Nick:
I’m not. Mumble, mumble, mumble.

10. Think of the children!
Jess, to her principal as she leaves in a cab:
Tania, please stop flashing the driver.

9. Poor Fat Schmidt...
Schmidt and Benjamin, in a flashback:
[singing] We built this Schmidty, we built this Schmidty on Tootsie Rolls.

8. We hear the dancing is pretty “sick” there
Jess, to the party bus group:
It’s about to get bubonic in here! That’s right, we’re going to The Plague. Sorry, it’s just Plague. It’s a discotheque.

7. Incidentally
Jess, while giving Schmidt a tour of the makeshift “party bus”:
Over here is kosher yogurt and honey.
Schmidt:
Kosher yog?
Jess:
We’ve got some condoms over here. Small, medium, large.
Schmidt:
Well, I would use—
Jess:
I don’t want to know. And the R-rated section in the back with the stripper pole. It’s normally used for stability, but tonight it’s going to be used for $50 worth of semi-nudity.
Schmidt:
Incidentally, I’m wearing my lap-dance pants.

6. Broenemies for life
Schmidt:
I had to cancel my birthday party. It’s social suicide. I can feel my “It” factor going away. And then what am I going to tell Benjamin?
Jess:
Why are you so worried about Benjamin? He’s your friend.
Schmidt:
Look, we have a very weird, girl-style friendship where we secretly kinda hate each other. We’re broenemies. He’s my fremesis.
Jess:
I’m so confused right now.

5. TMI, stripper man. TMI
The male stripper:
It’s getting a little nippy out. Not a good time to start turtling.
Jess:
I’m going to pay you $50 to never show us your penis.

4. Whaddagal
Jess, to the male stripper:
I spoke with your supervisor on the telephone. Were you bringing the [whispers] stripper? I’d really like to see her jugs first, you know, just so I do right by my bro.

3. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and Schmidt is from the land of the d-bags
Nick:
Jess, Schmidt’s world is different than ours. They speak a different language. They shorten every word to one syllable. OK, he once called an oven an “oves.” He calls an airport “airp.”
Winston (Lamorne Morris):
He calls ketchup “catch.”
Nick:
Last month he went to a party called “Bros Before Hos on the Moon.” What does that even mean? And the dress code was “yacht flair.”
Winston:
Schmidt has a friend who legally changed his middle name to “Doinit.” One word: “Doinit.”

2. Jess orders her first stripper!
Jess, on the phone:
Hi, yes, I’d like to order a last-minute stripper. [pause] Preferably of Asian heritage. [pause] Very bendy, with a heart of gold and a crotch of gold. [pause] Yeah, I’ll hold. [pause] Thank you, Ms. Fat Booty! You’re the best!

1. A series of jar-worthy offenses...
Schmidt:
Has anyone seen my good pea coat?
Schmidt:
Have you seen my sharkskin laptop sleeve?
Schmidt:
Nick, I came up with the best name for an uncircumcised penis: bishop in a turtleneck.