Even if this was a list of the top 100 quotes from the New Girl episode “The Landlord” we’d still have trouble whittling it down to our absolute favorites. The FOX comedy is just that funny.
But we’ve accomplished the impossible, so prepare to pee your pants. Again.
15. Schmidt is obsessed with Greg Kinnear — who knew?
Cece (Hannah Simone): I’m going to a party on Greg Kinnear’s boat.
Schmidt (Max Greenfield): You’re going to a party on Neptune’s Folly?
Cece: Yeah, relax, he’s not gonna be there.
Schmidt: No, I know he’s in Rio till the 16th.
14. Some things never change
Creepy man in van: Hey, little girl. You like candy?
Young Jess: I sure do!
Creepy man in van: Great, my Nana made way too much! [Nana opens the van door and gives Jess candy]
13. Schmidt should get at least a couple bucks back from the d-bag jar for this
Schmidt: Why are you doing this to me?
Winston (Lamorne Morris), who has found Schmidt’s 2007 New Year’s resolutions: Maybe I just got bored painting over your interplanetary ass dojo. Here’s my favorite: “Find out where Winston gets his sparkle, and then steal it.”
12. Oh, Jess...
Jess (Zooey Deschanel): Oh my God...
Nick (Jake Johnson): He has a gun.
Jess: It’s like The Wire.
Nick: Still think he’s a nice guy, Jess?
Jess: Maybe no one’s ever been nice to him. Maybe violence is his only tool to express himself.
11. The only translator Schmidt needs is for the Tokyo call
Schmidt: Here we go again. Another text message from Laura. Look at that: “Tokyo call at 11.” This is driving me crazy — what is she trying to say?
Winston: I’m not an expert at your industry at all, but it sounds like there’s a call... from Tokyo... sometime today. Oh, wait, at 11.
Schmidt, about one of his boss’s emails: Wait, you don’t understand — I’ve been getting a lot of mixed signals from my boss lately.
Winston: What is wrong with you? The world is not out to seduce you.
Schmidt: “And bring me the budget reports”? Why can’t she just say what she wants? What kind of sick game is she playing?
10. Dr. Oh-No-You-Didn’t-Just-Say-That
Schmidt, to Cece, who’s wearing a little red dress: Oh, come on, don’t you ever wear jeans? You honestly look like you should be distracting James Bond at a baccarat table.
9. Let’s be real: Schmidt would pee at mile 14
Schmidt: My boss and I, we’re running a pre-sex marathon right now, and I feel like we’re stuck in mile 25. I’m cramping, Cece. My toenails are falling off, I’m peeing down my leg; it’s like I can see the finish line, but I just can’t get there.
8. She is kinda like two people...
Jess: My roommates are really scared of you, but I know you’re a good man, and I know you don’t want the four of us living in a dangerous—
Remy (the landlord): The four of you? Apartment 4D — there’s only supposed to be three people.
Jess: Oh, did I say four? You know what, I was counting myself twice. So easy to do. Big personality over here.
7. Nick, the voice of reason
Remy: I ferment things in the basement. I also make cheese.
Nick: You’re not drinking that, Jess.
Jess: Yes I am. Remy made it. [Spits out drink]
Remy: Think you can handle some, Nick?
Nick: I’m OK. Someone needs to stay sober to fight you later.
6. Oh deer
Remy, on his post-divorce struggles in an attempt to relate to Nick: Did you go out looking for companionship, a little human warmth, only to come to in the woods covered in animal blood?
Nick: In my own way...
5. Somebody’s stubborn!
Nick, to Jess: We are about to have a ménage à trois because you won’t admit that you are wrong.
4. He’s a man of very few words
Jess, to the landlord (Remy): Cool office. I like your... bucket of... gasoline. Super practical. Whatcha got there?
3. It’s almost a superhero... but not quite
Remy, to Nick: I’m not going to take my underpants off, though. I’m going to wait and keep my underpants on until I let you take my underpants off. ‘Cause you are going to be the Underpants Captain tonight.
Nick, clearly uncomfortable: Makes sense.
Jess: Great choice, Remy. Nick will make a fantastic Underpants Captain.
2. Schmidt didn’t think through this move
Schmidt, to his boss: Look, Kim, this wasn’t your standard 2 AM mistaken assault in the parking garage. I’ve had a thing for you ever since I was the husky kid in the mail room. And if you don’t believe me, here you go, straight from ‘07. [Hands Kim his 2007 New Year’s resolutions] Read resolution number four — it’s about you.
Kim, reading from the sheet of paper: “Only think about hot new CFO every other time I masturbate.”
1. Yes, Schmidt, thanks for bringing those very unsexy things to our attention
Cece: There’s nothing less sexy than a dude asking if he can kiss you.
Schmidt: Nothing? I mean, what if I ate my own hair and pooped out a wig? What if I called my mom after sex and described it to her? What if I had a croissant blog?