Even if this was a list of the top 100 quotes from the New Girl episode “Secrets” we’d still have trouble whittling it down to our absolute favorites. The FOX comedy is just that funny.
But we’ve accomplished the impossible, so prepare to pee your pants. Again.
15. Ol’ sweatback
Jess (Zooey Deschanel), to Nick (Jake Johnson): J’accuse, Miller! J’accuse. You fold like a lawn chair.
14. Sounds like a thrill ride
Jess, to Cece (Hannah Simone): Are you ready to run? I have my playlist all ready. Actually, it’s Diane Keaton’s autobiography, and she just filmed First Wives Club, and it’s getting me pumped.
Schmidt (Max Greenfield), to the gang: Can we just take a moment to celebrate me? Schmidtty really did it this time. I mean, I’m having Indian every night.
12. Nick goes to some strange places when he “self-completes”...
Nick, seeing Jess in her winter gear: Oh, I get it. It’s actually kind of a fantasy of mine. Could you say the following words out loud? “The ice roads are too dangerous. You’re gonna have to turn back, Chief.”
Jess: I’m not saying that.
11. How supportive
Schmidt, when he sees Cece running: Oh, Cece, that sports bra is doing God’s work right now.
10. Apt metaphor
Cece, on her fling with Schmidt: It wasn’t some big conspiracy. It was something that happened and then got out of control, sort of like poison oak.
9. They’re both in the wrong
Jess: Schmidt, a couple months ago I found Nick using your chenille throw as a napkin.
Schmidt, to Nick: That is a microfiber blend from Pakistan, you heathen.
Nick: Stop quoting the catalogue like a weirdo.
8. $#*! Russian models say
Nadia, pointing at Schmidt and laughing: Jew in the couch! Jew in the couch!
Cece: Nadia, American manners!
Nadia: Sorry, Jew person in couch.
Schmidt, looking at Cece: She’s not wrong.
7. It’s Jess!
Jess, to Schmidt and Cece: Two moons have passed since you started doing it?
Winston (Lamorne Morris): Why do you start talking like a Native American when you get angry?
Jess: Two moons have passed!
6. 21-year-old girls are scary creatures
Nick’s fling, Holly: It’s my favorite scarf, because it’s a circle, so you never have to think about which end goes on the right or on the left. My therapist gave it to me. She’s Asian, but she’s the nicest.
5. Point to ponder
Nick: Why do all female runners look like old German women when they run?
4. We’re judging, too
Cece (in a flashback): I had to give it a try, Jess. I mean, that was the same hand that was inside Elmo.
Jess, in a super judgy voice: Cece...
3. Close, Nick. Real close
Schmidt, while teaching Nick the ways of the d-bag: Nick, you’re terrible at lying. So what we want to do, we want to focus on S.S.V. Short, simple... [points at Nick]
Schmidt: Vague, it’s actually vague.
2. The Jesus hawk excuse is the most plausible
Schmidt, pretending to be one of Nick’s girls: Hey, what happened to your phone?
Nick: Jesus took it. A Jesus hawk on a speedboat. The environment. Bears!
1. Umbrella and everything
Jess: Schmidt said that Winston was in danger of becoming a nanny for life. [turns to Winston] He said you were going “full Poppins.”