Even if this was a list of the top 100 quotes from the New Girl episode “Kids” we’d still have trouble whittling it down to our absolute favorites. The FOX comedy is just that funny.
But we’ve accomplished the impossible, so prepare to pee your pants. Again.
15. Yeah, we could see that
Sarah (guest star Annalise Basso): Don’t you think Nick is hot?
Jess (Zooey Deschanel): Nick? Yeah, in a rumpled, small-town PI kind of way.
14. He has quite the hypnotic gaze...
Sarah, to Nick: Your eyes are so brown. They look like poop.
Nick (Jake Johnson), to Schmidt (Max Greenfield): Be honest with me, do my eyes look like poo?
Schmidt: A bit of a poopyish hue.
Jess: Ol’ poo eyes.
13. Rhyming can be dangerous
Jess: Bye, Ouli, you ruli!
Ouli (guest star Jeanne Tripplehorn): Bye, Jess, you’re a mess!
12. An important lesson in love
Jess, to Sarah while pointing at Schmidt and Cece (Hannah Simone): This is a really good example of people who should not be making love.
11. Another important lesson in love
Cece: Hey, Sarah, look: You should definitely not be having sex right now at this age. But when you do, you should always use protection, because even if he says it’s tantric and you’re Indian and you know better, you’re just going to end up pregnant anyways.
10. High socks and boxers is a creepier look
Jess, to Nick: Please put on some pants. Everything sounds really creepy when you’re not wearing any pants.
Nick, sans pants: Your hair looks nice.
Jess and Winston (Lamorne Morris): Ugh.
Nick: This coffee is smoldering.
Jess and Winston: Eww.
Jess: Nick, put on some pants, or at least some really high socks.
Nick: High socks it is.
9. Now Cece really hopes she’s not preggers
Schmidt, while putting his head next to Cece’s stomach: We made a caramel miracle.
8. Cece paints with her words... and it’s disturbing
Jess: But you’re using birth control, right?
Cece: Yeah, of course, but it’s just that Schmidt gets so athletic that birth control becomes like one of those plastic barbecue covers in a hurricane.
Jess: I didn’t want to know that.
7. They can use a Gerber jar
Cece: I can’t stop thinking about what a Schmidt baby would be like.
Jess: I don’t know.
Cece: Would it just want to nurse 24 hours a day?
Jess: Probably. We could make it, like, a douche-baby jar.
Schmidt, to Cece: I’m so excited to take this journey with you. I mean, your boobs are going to be unbelievably enormous.
5. Yep, she’s definitely a teacher
Jess, to Nick: I might as well call you Bridge to Terabithia, because you make children cry. [points at Schmidt] And you! I might as well call you Indian in the Cupboard, because you put an Indian in Cece’s— Never mind.
4. So he wore Depends?
Schmidt: I was the bomb-diggity as a baby. [...] They say I needed a magnum-sized diaper.
3. That makes everyone a version of Dan Humphrey
Sarah: Your life’s like Gossip Girl, only everyone is old and poor.
Jess: You know, there actually was a show like that. It was called Golden Girls.
2. It doesn’t work like that, Schmidt
Schmidt, to Cece: I’m probably going to be going on the Internet before we have sex again, because I just don’t want to impregnate the baby. I mean, we could have a Russian nesting doll situation on our hands.
1. So many questions...
Jess: I know that having your teacher dating your dad is weird, but I just want you to know, you can ask me anything.
Jess: Yeah, anything.
Sarah: Are you in love with my dad? Do you and my dad every dry-lump? Is sexting cool?
Jess: No, it’s not cool.
Sarah: Have you done a “99.”
Jess: I think that’s a tax form.
Sarah: Have you ever given anyone plow chops?
Jess: I don’t know.
Sarah: How do you make love to a person animal-style?
Jess: Do you want to learn how to play bridge?