Even if this was a list of the top 100 quotes from the New Girl episode “Bully” we’d still have trouble whittling it down to our absolute favorites. The FOX comedy is just that funny.
But we’ve accomplished the impossible, so prepare to pee your pants. Again.
16. We’re pretty sure Gandhi didn’t sing about nonviolence
Jess (Zooey Deschanel): I changed a life today, you guys. I pulled a Gandhi — a real Gandhi. There’s a student of mine, he’s been bullied for the past few months. So after warning the kids that there would be serious repercussions if this continued, I delivered a lesson... in the key of learning. Learning minor.
15. Oh, Jess. You’ve known her for years
Jess, to Schmidt (Max Greenfield): So you gonna three-peat this ho? Who is this bitch? We want to meet her.
14. Someone has too much time on her hands
Winston (Lamorne Morris), reading the comments on Jess’s YouTube clip: Look at this: “This teacher is muy caliente.”
Jess: Hot, hot, hot.
Winston: “I’d like to grade her on a curve.”
Winston: “Finally, entertainment that doesn’t resort to salty language.”
Winston: Jess, these commenters are all you, aren’t they?
Jess: Yes, yes they are.
13. Schmidt has a thing for large redheads? The more you know
Nick (Jake Johnson): What’s wrong with her? Does she have a hunchback?
Winston: Dwarf parts?
Schmidt: She happens to be an incredibly beautiful woman.
Nick: Is she another one of your heavy gingers?
12. Scary stuff
Jess: I know 12-year-olds are vicious, vengeful creatures. Middle School girls literally scalp each other. I spent most of sixth grade with a bald spot on my head.
11. Desperate much, Cece?
Cece (Hannah Simone): I kinda need this to happen right now, OK? Isn’t there a Starbucks bathroom around here or something we could use?
Schmidt: What do I look like, a gypsy courtesan?
10. Interesting lyrics...
Jess, singing in class about the kid being bullied: He’s a plump bird who prefers the shelter of a hole. He has a stubby, thick, and a nervous soul. Because being chased by predators takes its toll. Let the sad sparrow fly on. [...] He’s not the smartest bird or the most pretty.
9. Way to cool the mood, Schmidt
Cece: What about just a little good, old-fashioned car sex?
Schmidt: I can’t do any of my moves in there. I like to improvise with my body. I’m like a sexual snowflake. Each night with me is like a unique experience.
8. Oh, well in that case...
Jess: Scissors? How am I supposed to fix a robot arm with scissors?
Winston: Those are my good scissors.
7. And this is why Cece didn’t want Schmidt to tell anyone
Schmidt, standing up and addressing the restaurant: If I could have everyone’s attention really quick. [...] I am having sex with this woman right here. [to Cece] You want to stand up?
Schmidt, to the restaurant: I’m enjoying myself immensely. It’s a physical thing, but I’m definitely, for real having sex with this girl right here — to completion.
6. Who is she calling?
Jess: Hi, who do I speak to re: getting something removed from the Internet?
5. Schmidt gets cheesy
Cece: That was the last time, OK? This is over.
Schmidt: But we haven’t even gotten to the cheese course. A little sharp-aged cheddar. Manchego. Some buttery Gruyère. You sure you want to miss out? I’m going to slowly peel the wax off your baby bells. [...] How about a little stinky Taleggio?
Cece: Why is this working? I’m so turned on right now.
Schmidt: Or maybe some cream cheese. Want some schmear, Cece? [Cece leaves, comes back because Jess is in the living room] Wanna party with Havarti?
Cece: Fine, gimme the damn cheese.
4. Brown Lightning strikes again
Winston, to Brianna’s moms: Your daughter sucks. She is a demon seed. She is the spawn of Satan. And I do believe I speak for the entire human race when I say that people like her should not be building robots.
3. This explains so much about America’s school system
Jess: I am so sorry, Tanya.
Principal Tanya: Don’t be. I love it! Jess, you’re a real teacher now.
Principal Tanya: You’re a kid-hater. You’re one of us.
2. A canoe?
Schmidt, to Cece... in bed: L’chaim to humping! It was like a river. Did you feel that? Did you feel me sweeping you along with the current of my body? You were like a canoe on my body river. Like you’d ever be seaworthy with those breasts.
1. Yes, Schmidt, that’s exactly what you are
Cece, who’s about to head into a party: I’m going in there alone.
Schmidt: What am I supposed to do?
Cece: I’ll crack a window for you.
Schmidt: Crack a window for me? What am I, your sex dog?