Even if this was a list of the top 100 quotes from the New Girl episode “Valentine’s Day” we’d still have trouble whittling it down to our absolute favorites. The FOX comedy is just that funny.
But we’ve accomplished the impossible, so prepare to pee your pants. Again.
20. It’s a Valentine’s Day classic...
Cece (Hannah Simone), on her cell: Why are you crashing Jess’s one-night stand?
Schmidt (Max Greenfield): He asked me if I wanted to watch Planet of the Apes. I didn’t know he meant right now.
19. Oliver the pick-up artist
Jess (Zooey Deschanel), to Cece and Schmidt: This is Oliver. Oliver is a web creator. Also, we both love lunch.
Oliver (Ryan Kwanten): When people talk about breakfast being the most important meal of the day, I’m like, What? What about lunch, man?
18. Stop right there, Cliff. Just stop right there
Cliff the intern (Clark Duke), to Nick (Jake Johnson)... about Julia (Lizzy Caplan): I would still hit that. I mean, despite the age difference I’d take that to pound town. You know what I mean? Just take her a visit to the bone yard. You know what I’m sayin’?
17. Vampire Diaries scripts? They’re honestly going to let that slide?
Schmidt: If you end up having sex with him it’s going to be missionary with a lot of eye contact. [...] I know what I’m talking about: I have my 10,000 hours. Outliers — you should read it. Malcolm Gladwell. It’s one of my desert island books, along with Machiavelli’s The Prince, Freak by John Leguizamo, any of the scripts from the first season of Vampire Diaries, a little Phantom T...
Cece: I love Phantom Tollbooth.
Schmidt: Of course you do, you’re a human being.
16. He’s right (about the movie, not the time line)
Winston (Lamorne Morris): She just wants a relaxed night in. It actually sounds kinda sexy. Dude, we’re just trying to figure each other out. That’s all.
Schmidt: You know where that puts you in six months? Watching It’s Complicated on DVD while you cradle your newborn baby to sleep. And guess what! It’s not complicated. It’s about a bunch of rich white people who are remodeling their kitchen.
15. Nick gives “bad breakup” a whole new meaning
Cliff: So how did you get that far into law school and then drop out?
Nick: Well, I got my heart broken, and then everything got weird. I started playing guitar in an alt-country ska band, gambling a lot. There was a really weird week where I wore a long, blond wig and made everybody call me “Sandy Ferguson.”
Cliff: I have never loved anyone that much.
Nick: Then I drove to Mexico and I tried to enter a cock fight.
Cliff: As a person?
Nick: Yes, Cliff, as a person.
14. Darn those youths!
Schmidt, on Oliver’s ‘hood: It’s a horrible neighborhood. There are youths everywhere.
Jess: Youths? Are you Officer Krupke?
13. A sewing kit — in case he rips off her clothes?
Cece: What are you doing?
Jess: I’m packing an overnight bag in case I have one-night sex. T-shirt, socks...
Cece: Is this a sewing kit?
Jess: Yes, a sewing kit. Stain remover [holds up stain remover]. Hello!
Cece: You don’t have one-night stands. You get way too attached. You could have an emotional connection with a shoe on the side of the road.
Jess: Oh, one shoe? I hate that.
12. Oh no you didn’t!
Schmidt, while watching Planet of the Apes: These monkeys look so real.
Oliver: They’re apes.
11. It’s Little Jess!
Jess: I want to try a one-night stand. Tonight is all about what [points to her lady parts] what Little Jess wants. Little Jess.
10. True spoiler: it’s shrooms and a very high boyfriend
Schmidt: Where’s what’s his name?
Cece: We are actually going to meet up later, because he’s got a little surprise for me.
Schmidt: Spoiler: It’s his penis.
9. Wow, that’s lazy
Winston: For two years I had her number stored in my phone as “Shreddy,” because I was too drunk to type “Shelby.”
8. Naughty baby Indian — that’s a new one
Schmidt: Alright, can you stop? Cece, you are way too beautiful. She’ll think she doesn’t have a shot with me. Can you stop looking at me like that, please?
Cece: What look? I’m not even looking at you.
Schmidt: The pouty one. The naughty baby Indian. [in bad Indian accent] “I just ate something spicy and now my lip is swollen.”
7. Ding, ding, ding — we have a winner!
Jess, on Oliver: He’s literally the most boring man I’ve ever met. He described every lunch he’s had this week, and three of them were tacos.
6. Sounds fishy...
Schmidt: A normal man can go maybe three times in one night, depending on how much salmon he’s had.
5. Too graphic, makes us think of the tacos
Jess, to Oliver: I was just going to use you as a giant meat puppet.
4. Play ball!
Schmidt: Look, Jess. The truth is I don’t go out on Valentine’s Day. There’s no thrill. All these bars filled with emotionally vulnerable women — I’m like a Dominican teenager playing Little League. It’s just not fair for everybody else.
3. The world is scared
Jess: It’s my first single Valentine’s Day in six years, and I need to go out, OK? We need to go out. ‘Cause I’m feeling pretty twirly.
Schmidt: “Twirly.” Is that like “horny”?
Jess: I’ve got the dirty twirls, Schmidty. Watch out, ‘cause you’re about to get laid, world.
2. At least she knows what’s coming
Kyle: Look look, surprise: shrooms. [holds up bag] I ate three, I ate three, three — on a pizza.
Schmidt: Look at you, man. You’re a champion.
Cece: We’re going to go, because he’s about to get real handsy and a little racist.
1. Be all you can be!
Jess: I’m going to go home with Oliver.
Schmidt: Great! Three words: double bag it.
Jess: I got that covered. These guys: hundie pack.
Schmidt: A hundred condoms? What, are you going to have sex with an army?