It’s not that we’re broke, but perusing Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle website, GOOP, makes us feel like we’re living inside this Kristen Wiig GIF from Bridesmaids. Between the photos of her fabulous getaways and her casual suggestion that readers spend $100 on a face cleansing system, well, our piggy banks are feeling woefully empty. Naturally, we decided to torture ourselves and round up a list of 10 things from GOOP we won’t be adding to our online shopping basket any time soon.
1. Her Blazer
What are you doing, living without this Martin Greenfield and Edition01 blazer? It’s an “exclusive fall wardrobe essential,” according to Goop’s “Shop” section. At $950 it will be essential, because it has to double as the winter coat, down comforter, and snow boots you can no longer afford. Good to know we can wear white linen after Labor Day, though.
2. Her Luggage
3. Her Sheets
Here we thought Gwyneth Paltrow slept on a cloud of cotton candy, but nope. Just regular old (300 thread count) sheets. A John Robshaw’s queen size set — which includes a fitted sheet, flat sheet, and two pillowcases — will run you $550. And that is without a dust ruffle, people.
4. Her Honey
No, not Chris Martin. Gwyneth does love her husband, but she adores Mario Bianco’s Italian honey. “This honey was recommended to us by Edward Behr of The Art of Eating for being one of the world’s best honeys with amazing flavor,” she writes. That quality doesn’t come cheap — it’s $18.75 a jar — so you better not not stir this into any non-sheep’s milk yogurt.
5. Her Pants
6. Her Hairdo
“DIY hair is not as tricky as we think,” Gwyneth says. Then she shows readers how to do their own hair... with $65 Recine Luxury Hair Oil, a $180 ThairaDry Infrared Blow Dryer, a $250 Wet or Dry Flat Iron, and, oh yes, the help of a stylist.
7. Her Gadgets
8. Her Fancy Parties
If you’d like to take a night off from making your own turkey osso bucco, GOOP suggests you let the chefs at Kitchit cook you a meal. Gwyn put them “to the test with a million dietary restrictions” and enjoyed a lovely gluten-free, refined sugar-free, dairy free meal. Sounds great! Only there’s a $390 minimum booking fee. If you can finagle five other people into joining you, that’s just $65 a person. (If you really want to splurge, there’s an option that costs $180+ per person.)
9. Her Hangover Remedy
The last time we had a hangover (this morning), getting on a plane to Turkey was not in the cards. But had we made it there before the pounding headache subsided, the best hangover cure would’ve been waiting for us. Gwyneth writes, “If you have the time and the inclination, I've found that the best hangover remedy can be a hot and cold spa treatment. The original would be the traditional Turkish Hamman, but you can find this kind of treatment in spas all over the world.” To be fair, she does offer the poor man’s variety: A hot bath followed by a cold shower. Pretty sure we’ll just stick with the aspirin.
10. Her Camping Trip
“A little trip away in the summer is exciting and rejuvenating, especially if you can't take all of August off like the Italians/French do,” Gwyneth says. Tra la la. And what shall we do with this month-long vacation? Glamping! OK, Gwyn doesn’t call it glamping, but she recommends using Shelter Co’s $2,000 tent rentals. They come with rugs, down comforters, and libraries. If that’s not glamorous camping, we don’t know what is.