Credit: Lifetime

Let’s get to it! At the top of the list this week is Kimmy. Second is Sammy, who hit her routine, and Angel calls her a fantastic technical dancer. Jessi is third on the list because she “nailed her routine.” Jessi’s overjoyed! Fourth on the list is Lucas, who fell hard from first place last week. Brigette, his mom, is upset. And at the bottom is Hannah. Hannah says, “The list is kind of rude,” which we adore. That is a rude list, girl! We just know that if that list had on pink stilettos, it would totally step on our toes with them! Rude.

Lucas gets benched, which Brigette really can’t believe. She does not feel like going all the way to Michigan for this week’s competition and just sit around. Oddly, Hannah gets rewarded for no apparent reason, and will be paired with total physical opposite Sammy for a duet.

Angel “realized the kids were out of control,” so this week’s theme is … discipline! “We thought it would be fun to put them in a jail scenario, and because their mothers are out of control, we thought it would be even more fun to give them roles that reflect their parents,” says Angel.

And that’s when things got weird. Lucas is given the role of “tax evasion.” And he says, no way, that’s his mom! Are we watching the right show? Is Chris Harrison going to pop out from the fluorescent curtain and say, “Thank you children, for unknowingly participating in To Catch a(n IRS) Predator”? Because we would totally watch that, by the way.

But no.  Deb howls in the Moms Lounge. Jessi gets Thief, which goes unexplained, but her mom just blushes and giggles, offering up, “My husband is a police officer.”

The moms all agree that Sammy and Hannah are not at the same level (Hannah’s not as good as Sammy, in case you hadn’t HEARD THE SCREAMS last week).

Victor tells them to do an army stomp, and someone stomps on Sammy’s head. Jessi cries. Victor is concerned! These kids don’t have discipline nor professionalism, he reasons. Or, you know, they’re 12-year-olds and a sweaty finger slipped under a zitty shoulder and boom went the prepubescent.

Sammy and her mom drive an hour every day just to get to Stars Dance Studio. Because of this, we get an unasked for visit to Chez Sammy. Her dad looks kind of like Ed Burns if he had whatever Pauly D is having. Well, that was fun while it lasted (a full 25 seconds). Reality show material? Promising, but we’ll need at least another 25 seconds. 

Uh oh, it’s the duet rehearsal. Victor “felt that it would bring humility to Sammy,” which is another way for Victor to re-enact his junior high fantasies of stickin’ it to the pretty popular girl (Sammy). Also? We get more Deb (Hannah’s mom).

Deb does not like this duet! Victor thinks of the Trust Fall, but Hannah finds it “upsetting. Because I feel like if I’m going to fall backwards nobody’s going to catch me.” Cue: Deb complaining. “She doesn’t like to fall backwards. It’s just a fear that she’s always had.” That’s not weird or anything. Not at all. Anyway, all of this leads to Victor and Angel doing the Trust Fall. Angel doesn’t catch Victor, and we laugh out loud for the first time in Dance Moms: Miami history!

Then there is a fire, literally across the street from the Stars studio. An actual gigantic, raging, roaring blockbuster movie fire. It’s thrilling! Little girls are caught up in the crazy scene, and they’re crying with their palms to their foreheads as they weep, and Victor is brave and says that the crying girl can go sit in his convertible as he takes what must have been one hundred and thirty seven HOURS to get everyone out of his dance studio. Hasn’t anyone seen the episode of Seinfeld and learned from George Costanza? When there’s a fire, knock those kids out of the way and escape, dignity be damned! (No, we don’t condone this. But can we get a fire safety lesson down to Miami Beach stat?)

Back to the duet rehearsal disaster. Deb thinks Hannah’s being set up to fail, which is really petty. Brigette wants to tattle on them, so she repeats this verbatim to the Boys. Victor confronts Deb. He struts outta the studio, and gives us a monologue. “I’m 23 years old,” the monologue begins, and we tune out. Girl, take a seat.

Next thing we know, we’re in Michigan, and Jessi has on purple sparklies, about to perform her solo. She’s great! Jessi is strong, physically and emotionally, and it comes through in her dancing. She’s fantastic, her mom cries, and we’re impressed.

Kimmy’s solo is next, and we love it. This one’s got spunk. Her mom approves: “Not too sassy, but sassy enough.” But she only gets fourth place, but what’s this? She’s excited? Then Jessi gets third place, and people are clapping? How easily we forget that we’re not in Abby Lee Miller Land, where, according to a new sneak peek of the returning Dance Moms Season 2, all the kids will cry, Abby will throw chairs at them, a Mom will tell Abby to stop eating, and we will be scared for our life. June can’t come soon enough!

There was another big hubbub with Hannah’s mom and Sammy’s mom, but then our cable cut out. We’re sure everything turned out fine, as it always does in sunny Miami. Those Boys know their “artistry.”

Molly Friedman is an editor at Wetpaint Entertainment. Follow her on Twitter @MollyFriedman.

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