Credit: Lifetime

What is the Dance Moms 2012 Abby Lee Dance Concert? Well, Abby Lee Miller fully admits that it’s a marketing scheme to get more students. Now that that’s out of the way, let’s dive right in to rehearsals for the grandest of all dance recitals in the land.

The group dance is a hip hop number, which is hilarious, especially when Maddie says, “We don’t hip, or hop.” More seriously, winners of their respective age group will receive dance scholarships to pursue their dance dreams while also getting an education.

Reminder: The sentence above is one of the many reasons why we actually respect Abby Lee, hot Dancing With the Stars dance pros or not.

Jill sets up a secret The Sopranos-like meeting in a parking lot, where she meets Leslie, whose daughter Peyton was memorably used as a pawn in prior Abby Lee manipulation schemes. “Christi’s a snake, Melissa’s a liar, and Kelly’s a snake,” says Jill. Then, somehow, Leslie starts calling the girls sluts, “pigs,” and says they all hate their husbands.

Credit: Lifetime

Leslie starts a rumor on national television that Melissa may or may not have fallen in love with a married pharmacist on the down-low. Before we jump up and down and start screaming with guilty pleasure, however, we remember that no one really cares, nor do they want to know, about what happens in Melissa’s bedroom. This is about the children, because we believe they are our future.

We hear Candy Apples Cathy’s voice, and the next thing we see is a bedazzled orange blouse and blood-red lipstick. Hi Cathy! She is all set to attend the ALDC and judge everyone else with a stink face on. She makes a stinkface in anticipation.

Abby calls Leslie’s daughter Peyton in to rehearsal to show the tiny dancers what hip hop dance is all about. She’s so good, that Abby invites her to be in the group dance. Naturally, this probably means that Paige is out of the dance. Her foot also has an old lady boot on it, so that would have been distracting (or fatal) anyway.

Also, Abby replaces Maddie with Chloe for the starring part in the group number. Chloe, hilariously and adorably, explains, “Miss Abby switched Maddie and my parts, so I guess now I’m the homeless child.” But the homeless child is the stah, dahling!

This annual concert is no joke. Abby watches over the dance rehearsal from the producer’s balcony, and she is wearing a headset that means her voice can enter the entire auditorium as she pleases. Our ears hurt just thinking about that.

Credit: Lifetime

Leslie has the audacity to scream at poor little Paige, who has a boot on her foot, and can no longer stand up. We rarely say anything as strongly as this, but it needs to be said: Leslie is a despicable human being. Yelling at an innocent child whose foot hurts so much she can’t dance? What is wrong with her? Seriously?

Kelly takes her kids out of the recital and drives away. For once, this one time, we agree with a mom’s decision to remove her kids from rehearsal and bolt. Hear that, Kelly? You get a pass this once, but never again.

The Moms go to an extremely brightly lit bar/female wrestling match, and they enjoy watching young men take their shirts off. Jill smushes her head hard into one young man’s stomach, and licks/slobbers it. That is all that needs to be said about that.

The concert begins, and it is sold out! Thank you, Lifetime chyron. Our girls prepare for their hip hop number, and Cathy has her stinkface on. The girls wear red sports bras and black sparklies. Abby said she wanted fire, but “what did I get? Lukewarm.” Christi puts it more bluntly: This number “said to Pittsburgh: If you want to learn hip hop, don’t come here.”

Chloe’s starring role in the homeless dance is up next, and Abby Lee praises Chloe for doing the excellent job that we’ve come to always expect from her. Chloe is absolutely a star.

Maddie is the Junior Winner for the dance scholarship. And Nia wins the Most Improved scholarship! Holly cries and we kind of do, too! There’s a fantastic little soiree, where Abby gets to schmooze with former students and fellow dance instructors. It’s all rather lovely, actually.

But it wouldn’t be a proper episode of Dance Moms without a word from Cathy and her lipstick-covered mouth. Cathy actually shows up to Abby’s after-party and tries to recruit the kids to the Candy Apples. She makes a stupid joke about doors, and thankfully, she’s off our screen. Til next week!

Molly Friedman is an editor at Wetpaint Entertainment. Follow her on Twitter @MollyFriedman.

Dance Moms airs every Tuesday at 9 p.m. ET/PT on Lifetime.

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