Welcome back to Dance Moms! We have a lot to discuss about this episode, so let’s go straight to the Pyramid of Doom.
Paige is, predictably, on the bottom thanks to her boot. Poor kid. She tried so hard to dance and all she got was that shameful speech from a sad lady with anger issues at last week’s Abby Lee Miller Dance Concert. Paige, we adore you! And so does, we suspect, your mom.
Next is Brooke, because the hip hop “really wasn’t your thing.” Rounding out the bottom is lil’ Mackenzie, for being a lil’ too slow on the hip hop dance.
In the middle are Nia (“Do not rest on your laurels,” says Abby Lee), and Chloe. At the top is Maddie, “because you won the scholarship in your age division.” Kendall is not on the Pyramid of Doom yet, because Abby still doesn’t want to give her the full-time gig. Jill naturally explains this as, “She’s torturing me.” Ridiculous and self-centered? Yes. True? Also, weirdly, yes.
This week, Mackenzie and Nia have solos. But Abby has one more solo to give out. And it goes to Chloe! Abby explains to us that she still hasn’t forgiven Maddie and her mom Melissa for shunning an earlier solo offer, and honestly, that storyline is so tired and all we want to do is meet the NEW GIRL!
The group piece is called “I Can See the Kite Flying.” It has “dark undertones, and the kids are actually in an insane asylum.” Abby Lee is so brilliantly twisted, and Holly sums it up perfectly: “Abby does weird well.”
A brand new mom with a brand new tiny dancer walks into the Abby Lee Dance Studio (finally!). We briefly saw the little girl Nicaya at the end of last week’s episode. Kaya is the mom, who seems quite sweet at first. The Moms get their claws out in order to “welcome” Kaya into the Moms’ Lounge, that sacred carpet-covered balcony from which the Moms can shout expletives at Abby and each other, where any new face is already an enemy before it speaks.
Kaya makes a silly mistake by saying the Concert wasn’t very “entertaining.” She thinks the girls could use more “diva-tude,” which Nicaya will apparently bring. Also, Kaya’s jacket says “Black Patsy.” More on that in a minute.
Abby Lee asks Nicaya to spell “ron de jambe,” which is French for “fancy ballet move,” and after Nicaya scrunches up her nose like any normal 11-year-old would do, Abby gives her the suspicious eye. Could she be a “recreational dancer”? Sacre Coeur, blasphemie!
Abby tells Kaya that Nicaya knows “zero terminology,” and will invite her back for more lessons. The Moms are ablaze with fury over nothing, because clearly Nicaya isn’t as experienced as she should be to join Abby’s varsity team. Then Kaya curses in front of her daughter and calls Abby’s ruse “stupid-ass dance terms,” and we decide we’re not Kaya fans. We’re with the Moms on this one.
We’re going to ignore Brooke and Paige’s video being put “on the internet” with Kelly’s apparent permission.
Okay, call us crazy, but did anyone else immediately pull a 180 and gain respect for Kaya after she shared that she’s a single mom with four kids whose relationship was ruined “because of dance”? Oh, and that the relationship was with her wife? Maybe it was just the rude faces on the regular Dance Moms’ faces, but Kaya can now have the mic for a bit.
But, then Kaya shares that her nickname “Black Patsy” refers to Patsy Ramsey, JonBenet Ramsey's mother, who recently passed away. And our respect kind of goes way out the window again.
During Chloe’s solo rehearsal, Abby says, “I needed something to represent New Hollywood, the tattoos, the piercings, somebody that would stab your eyeballs out and step right over you to get ahead. That’s Chloe.” That actually isn’t Chloe at all, but we’ll go with it.
Abby Lee demonstrates some gyrating with her hips in Nia’s solo rehearsal, and honestly? Abby Lee looks like she’s slimmed down a bit, and we see a sign that Abby can still shake her butt with the rest of them. Good for Abby!
Abby swings out Nicaya and Paige, interchanging them to see who can be in the group dance, and makes a point to say, “I’m not replacing” Paige. But Kelly throws another hissy fit and walks out. The Moms upstairs are all screaming at each other, and Abby tries to pull an intervention. Instead, she just winds up inviting Kaya and Nicaya to the dance competition in California.
Like Christy said, “Frankly, I just don’t care anymore.”
On to the first solo! Chloe comes out in blue and black sparklies, and we’re not so in love with this particular performance of hers. So many turns, and Chloe looked pretty nervous.
Next is Nia, doing her most mature dance yet. She’s performing to Josephine Baker’s scat song, and Abby says “Nia is right on the money.” And at the end, “she makes it her own.” And we screamed a little when Nia made her “mini-goddess” face at the end. We agree with Holly: “Josephine Baker would have been very proud.”
Mackenzie’s solo is next, and Mackenzie’s wearing gold sparklies. She looks so sprightly, so adorable, and she pulls off something like 17 standing cartwheels in a row. Abby praises her, and everything looks like it’s going well…
…until we have to deal with the Nicaya/Paige issue. After one more run backstage, Abby decides they’re both dancing. That was kind of a buzzkill.
For the solo awards, Mackenzie wins 3rd place in her category. Nia wins 10th place, which shocks us all, and Chloe wins 5th place. “They needed to be better, they needed to be stronger,” says Abby. But the group dance wins 1st place! So everybody wins.
Kaya throws one last hissy fit, says she’s “from the hood,” calls Holly a walking stereotype, and then leaves. Bye Kaya!
Dance Moms airs every Tuesday at 9 p.m. ET/PT on Lifetime.
Molly Friedman is an editor at Wetpaint Entertainment. Follow her on Twitter @MollyFriedman.
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