We've been rendered speechless by the magical beauty that is Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, but luckily the top 15 quotes from last night's double episode premiere can speak for us. We recommend reading these out loud in a southern accent while sucking down some "Pageant Crack."

15. Mama freshens up: "Our hair has always been washed in the kitchen sink."
Frankly, we're just happy they're cleaning themselves.

14. Honey Boo Boo's real talk: "I'm the queen of all."
Yes, yes you are.

13. Mama judges the local yokels: "All that vajiggle jaggle is not beautimus."
Someone call the Websters, we have three new words to add.

12. Mama explains the dangers of Redneck Lake: "There's been a lot of flesh-eating bacteria disease."
Totally worth it. Grab your bikini and hop in!

11. Honey Boo Boo explains herself: "I likes to get in the mud because I like to get dirty like a pig."
Makes perfect sense.

10. Mama gets pumped for The Redneck Games: "Today Pumpkin's gunna be bobbing for pig feet. I thought the pig feet were kind of disgusting. I thought they would be some cookedness to it, but they was actually raw."
Because cooked pigs' feet aren't disgusting at all.

9. Mama rounds up her crew: "We came. We conquered. We done what needed to be done."
Veni, Vidi, Vici, ya'll!

8. The pageant announcer introduces Honey Boo Boo: "She enjoys pageantry, mud bogging, and being with her family."
OMG, we love mud bogging. Twinsies!

7. Chubbs prepares for her diet: "My mother has told me in the past that if you fart 12-15 times a day you can lose a little weight, so I think I'll lose a lot of weight because I'm going to fart a lot."
So that's Jenny Craig's secret!

6. Honey gets to the point: "My mama weighs the most in my family because she's fat. Truth."
Way to sugarcoat it, girl.

5. Honey gets pumped for her piglet: "We’re gunna make it a girl pig, so he's going to be a little gay."
We have so many feelings about this.

4. Mama explains her family: "We're kinda like a lopsided, obtuse triangle all put together. Like a deformed shape."
That sounds pretty accurate.

3. Pumpkin defends herself: "I'll stop passing gas when I'm dead."
Feel the rain on your skin, Pumpkin! No one else can feel it for you, only you can let it in!

2. Mama eye-rolls at the haters: "No one can be proper and etiquettely all the time."
Exactly.

1. Mama explains vaginas: "It's called a biscuit because it looks like a biscuit and it opens up."
Annnnnd, there goes lunch.

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