Credit: TLC Photo: Honey Boo Boo Gets Her Dance On

Are you ready for the plentiful bounty of magical mystery that is Here Comes Honey Boo Boo? Neither are we, which is why we're currently surrounded by discarded Cheeto wrappers, a protective wall of paper towel rolls, and a plate of bacon (sorry, Glitzy Pig, we're eating all your friends).

Sit back, relax, and feel free to break into a spontaneous bout of happy-weeping.

She Oooo'd Herself!

Boo Boo-ing is an expensive hobby, and the time for Extreme Couponing is upon us. Anyone who watches TLC understands couponing is an art, which makes Mama Picasso, and the "Piggly Wiggly" her canvas. Mountain Dew, packets of Nesquik, and cream for Mama's "neck crust" don't buy themselves, OK ya'll? Jeez. How else is this lady going to save dollars for Honey Boo Boo's Pageant Crack?

Speaking of pageants, it's time for our girl to practice her routine. Now remember, much like The Last Unicorn, Honey Boo Boos are mysterious and nearly-extinct creatures that must be treated with R-E-S-P-E-C-T and patience. Which is why teaching our very own Boo Boo a new dance routine involves more than the usual amount of finger-wagging and SlimJim burps. Luckily, practice is a huge success –– especially considering Honey Boo Boo had just come off an afternoon spent sliding around on baby oil. So many concerns.

In other news, Chickadee is still pregnant with her love child (immaculate conception, we assume), so the family decides to throw her a baby shower. Only, instead of basking in adorable balloons and diaper cakes, the entire crew does spit-takes out of baby bottles. Can we get a yee haw?

Oh, and if you're wondering about Glitzy, he's taken to pooping on the dining table and squealing himself to sleep every night. We expect him to be eaten alive at any moment.

I'm Sassified!

Time to call celebrity fitness coach Jillian Michaels, because our little Boo Boo doesn't fit into her pageant dress! And don't you dare blame those expired vanilla bundt cakes. Clearly, this is the fault of Glitzy Pig, who is secretly feeding her from his trough.

Luckily, Mama forks out a few hundies and custom orders Boo and Glitzy new outfits, which we have a feeling PETA is none too happy about. But whatever, there are more important things at hand –– like Mama and Sugar Bear's eighth anniversary of lovemaking. This is an event that involves careful planning, so Mama takes her brood of children to the spa to get their bodies oiled with a mysterious substance.

At this point, we learn that Mama's feet are deformed because her toe was run over with a forklift (bear with us, please), which is why she refuses to get a pedicure. We'd like to take a moment to issue an apology to the poor spa employee who had to paint toenails onto her tube socks.

After Mama gets her "forklift foot" treated, she heads out on her hot date with Sugar Bear, where they feed each other Jell-O, and Sugar Bear reveals his anniversary present: a giant bronze deer. You know, because it represents all the roadkill they eat. How romantic! Sadly, the happy couple return home to find their love shack toilet-papered by their deviant children, but it's not like Mama doesn't find bulk paper goods arousing.

Finally, we're worried about Sugar Bear. He spent most of this episode sleeping and burping, and we'd like someone to check his vital signs.

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