Honey Boo Boo is the 8th Wonder of the World, and we're pretty sure an angel gets its wings every time she accidentally suffocates Glitzy Pig. Our Child of the Bogs is clearly the future savior of mankind, and, at this point we're convinced that she was born in a manger among a menagerie of terrified farm animals.
The time has come to serve up a platter of stale biscuits (not to be confused with the other "biscuits") and enjoy this week's life lessons courtesy of The Boo. She has so much to teach us, so ya'll better redneckognize.
Glitzmas In July
Much like her Boo Boo forefathers, Honey Boo Boo has multiple personalities, one of which is "Ambiguously Spanish Valley Girl." From what we can tell, Spanish Boo Boo only comes out to play during a beautiful time known as Christmas in July, aka The Day Glitzy Pig Gave Up the Will to Live.
We're not sure why Boo Boo and her tribe of Hill People feel the need to celebrate Christmas twice a year, but one can only assume Chickadee is about to push a miracle baby out of her biscuit. Either way, it's time to celebrate good times in the only way Honey Boo Boo's family knows how: By burping, blowing up a bunch of inflatable penguins, swatting away gnats, and licking their lips at Glitzy as he squeals in terror. Oh, and Sugar Bear dresses up as Santa Claus. Suffice it to say, our childhood memories are ruined.
The bad news? Glitzy's so stressed out that he threatens to commit pigicide again, and Mama finally agrees to send him back from whence he came. As you might expect, Honey Boo Boo is traumatized, so Mama tries to comfort her with some festive mud bogging — courtesy of a nefarious creature known as Crazy Tony. It's times like these that we ask ourselves WWGD (What Would Glitzy Do?), and then we remember that Glitzy is too high on the smell of freedom to care.
Biscuits n' Gravy
It's time to prepare your body for the birth of a cherub. That's right, Chickadee's looms are full of fruit and she's ready to pop. Basically, the only thing more enormous than this girl's stomach is the love we feel for Sugar Bear and his belly full o' roadkill.
Shockingly, the Boo Boos live near a hospital, so they call an ambulance and head out into the wild (read: civilization) to get Chickadee's lady parts checked out. Turns out our girl feels like she needs to "pee and s— at the same time" (thanks for that, Mama), which means she's in early labor!
Also, you might be interested to know that Alana's (aka Boo Boo) getting really good at her Elvis routine. We expect her to slay the judges with her air guitar skills.
Double also, we still haven't seen anybody feed the stray dog that lives in Boo Boo's backyard, just saying.