Take a stab at it! In this week’s long-awaited episode of Once Upon a Time (Season 2, Episode 10: “The Cricket Game”), Snow and Charming (briefly) get some one-on-one time, while Archie has a not-so-leisurely boat trip. Oh, and things would be a lot easier if the dogs on this show could talk a la Family Guy.  

Emma’s Parents Get Frisky

Cora and Hook arrive in Storybrooke, where they engage in their favorite pastime: Ruining the lives of perfect strangers, like the tackle shop guy. (As the proverb goes, “Teach a man to turn people into fish, and you feed him for a lifetime.”)

Cora makes Hook’s boat disappear, and Hook’s like, “Next time, make your own boat disappear." She then tells Hook to wait before charging after Rumple as if he’s Mel Gibson in Payback. In the past, Hook hasn’t seemed to be crazy about waiting for things, so perhaps one of his 2013 resolutions was to be a bit more patient.

As for Emma’s New Year’s resolution, we’re guessing it’s going to be, “Stop walking in on my parents doing it.” So much for that.

Emma’s also busy planning a surprise welcome home party for Snow, and the party turns out to be a success  except that no one is thrilled about her inviting Regina. Turns out, the fact that Regina saved Emma and Snow’s life in the last episode wasn’t enough for people. Tough crowd.

Emma tries to smooth things out with Regina, but she makes it worse by telling Regina that Archie talked about the progress that Regina has made during their therapy sessions. Oops. Suddenly, Regina pays Archie a visit to threaten him for reminding people about her past. Note to Regina: Maybe angry threats aren’t the best way to prove how calm you are? Just a thought.

"What Is It, Boy? Did Someone Just Shapeshift and Use Magic to Kill Someone Else Who Was Disguised to Look Like Your Master? Good Boy!" 

That night, we see Regina stop by Archie’s place, but she’s not interested in lying down on the couch this time. Regina then kills Archie — but it’s actually Cora who has disguised herself as Regina. In fact, Archie’s dog Pongo can tell that something is amiss, as he barks like crazy at “Regina.” Ruh-roh.

So let’s get this straight: Last week, people were down a well, and this week, a dog can sense trouble? If you ask us, this show is getting more and more like Lassie as we speak.

Ruby informs everyone that Archie has bit the dust (and we’re not talking fairy dust here). Ruby says that she saw Regina go into Archie’s place, but Emma is convinced that Regina is innocent; she relies on her Spidey sense to tell when someone is lying, and she doesn’t think Regina is.

Cora Has a Gift for Hook

They decide to talk to Rumple, since he’s the only other person capable of murder. Rumple reminds them that Pongo was a witness to the crime, and Rumple informs Emma that she can use her magic to capture Pongo’s memories in a dreamcatcher. When Emma looks at the memories, she sees Regina killing Archie, so she figures that Regina must have done it. Simple, no?

They track down Regina and accuse her of killing Archie, and so Regina uses her magic to toss Emma down the walkway. Yikes. However, as angry as Regina gets, it is still downright heartbreaking to then watch Regina’s tears as Emma tells Henry about Regina’s supposed crime. Dammit, Regina  why do you make it so hard to know whether we love you or hate you!

Finally, Cora returns to Hook and informs him that Regina is effectively broken. What a sweet thing for a mom to say! Cora also has one more surprise for Hook: Archie is still alive and locked in his boat, meaning he can give them secrets about everyone in Storybrooke.

And a word of advice to Archie: If Cora and Hook’s methods of interrogation are anything like those in Zero Dark Thirty, you should probably just go ahead and tell them whatever they want to know. We have a feeling Cora would find a punishment that’s even worse than waterboarding.

The First Cut is the Deepest — Unless There's a Protection Spell

In the flashback to Fairytale Land, Charming decides that the only way to keep everyone safe from Regina is to kill her. What a gentleman. They prepare Regina for her execution, at which point she goes on a tirade about how her only regret was that she didn’t cause more pain and suffering. In other words, Regina could work on her bedside manner.

Charming orders his men to fire arrows at Regina, and just before they strike her, Snow stops them. She believes that Regina might still have some good in her, and to help her prove it, Rumple devises a test. During the test, Regina tries to stab Snow when Snow releases her from prison. Rumple’s spell protects Snow and prevents Regina from ever harming Snow in this land. In other words, same old Regina.

The key words in Rumple’s spell are, of course, “in this land.” He pays Regina a visit, informing her that she could still cause some serious mayhem to Snow and the gang if she sends them to another land, which was Rumple’s plan all along. Or maybe Rumple was just trying to help Snow and Charming to get a free vacation as an impromptu honeymoon.

Three Biggest Mysteries of the Night:

- We are more than a little relieved to know that Archie is still alive, but exactly what info will Hook and Cora get out of him, and how much harm will they cause him? Let's just say we're glad to not be Achie right about now. (No offense, Archie.)

- We're loving the fact that Emma is getting more comfortable with her powers, although it would have been convenient if Emma could have somehow just read Regina's memories instead of, y'know, a dog's. But maybe Regina would have found a way to alter them. At any rate, we're wondering what exactly Emma will get to do with her powers next? Maybe she can be the one to get everyone back to Fairytale Land? 

- Didn't Gold use up the last of the dwarves' diamonds in the previous episode for the portal? Then why was the Blue Fairy able to use magic this week? Maybe the dwarves found more, but you'd think they would have at least complained about all the hard work they'd been doing during the episode, in order to provide some semblance of logic. After all, the dwarves love nothing more than to complain.