Lend us a (preferably unmarked) hand! In this week’s shocking and soulful (get it?) season premiere of Once Upon a Time (Season 2, Episode 1: “Broken”), Emma and Mary Margaret go on a fun little mother-daughter outing together; Regina has magic and knows how to use it; and we meet Mulan, who can rock an updo like nobody’s business.
Wherein Emma Tells Her Mom and Dad, “You Guys Owe Me 28 Years’ Worth of Birthday Presents — And I Want Them All Now, Please”
The episode kicks off in Storybrooke, where Emma finally learns that David and Mary Margaret are in fact her biological parents — in other words, it’s a lot like an episode of Maury. But Emma isn’t feeling all warm and fuzzy about the news, seeing as how she feels they abandoned her.
Instead, Emma is more considered with confronting Mr. Gold for tricking her into getting the love potion for him in Season 1’s finale. Come to think of it, don’t you just hate it when people trick you into slaying dragons for them? It’s our second biggest pet peeve, right behind people who take too long in line at Starbucks.
Wherein We Realize That Our Lives Would Be a Lot Easier If We Had a Wraith To Do Our Bidding For Us
As it turns out, Gold is busy adding to his (already nearly endless) list of grievances against the town of Storybrooke by summoning a wraith to the town and marking Regina’s palm so it will try to take her soul. (Regina has a soul? Who knew!)
Our favorite moment of the episode was quite possibly when Mary Margaret busted out the lighter and aerosol can and decided to serve up some wraith flambé. And David was also pretty badass when he threw that chair.
We also loved Mary Margaret hopping into that portal after the wraith snags Emma by the leg. Seriously — Mary Margaret was all take-charge and awesome this week, and her wanting to connect with her daughter was adorbs! However, it was far less awesome when David also tried to jump into the hat to follow Emma, but he instead just lands hard on the ground. It was as if he had decided to do a stage dive at a very under-attended rock concert.
Let’s face it: It’s hard not to root for Belle and Rumplestiltskin to end up together, even though calling Rumple a “fixer-upper” is putting it mildly. But it’s pretty much perfect when Belle returns at the end, as she finds out that Regina is still alive and that (gasp!) Gold still has the chipped cup. Plus, don’t get us started about how hot their kiss was! (Evidently, true-love kisses no longer cause him to lose his evil powers? Convenient, no?)
Wherein We Learn That Wallpaper With Trees On It Isn’t Just Tacky — It’s Also Deadly
Some mothers and daughters decide to get better acquainted by taking a trip to the spa. For Emma and Mary Margaret, they take a trip through the Spinning Hat Portal (like one does) to the desecrated remains of Fairytale Land, where they are discovered by Mulan and Aurora. But speaking of a spa, does Emma really seem like a seaweed wrap and cucumber-on-the-eyes kind of gal? We think not.
As evil as Regina can be, it’s nice to see her relationship with Henry still hanging on, since we have a feeling that it will be this relationship that helps Regina turn good (if she can in fact ever turn good, which at this point feels like a longshot!). Still, it has to be weird to walk into a room and see your mom trying to strangle your biological grandfather with magical wallpaper. That’s not an everyday sight.
We have to admit that we kinda loved it when Regina tried to use her magic on the mob and nothing happened. She was like, “I’m going to cause you all to suffer!” And then nothing happens, and she’s like, “Wait, sorry — apparently, I’m not going to cause you all to suffer. For now, I guess I’ll stick to easier magic. Say, Whale — what’s that shiny thing behind your ear? Why, it’s a quarter!”
We’re intrigued to see just what David has in mind to save Emma and Mary Margaret from Fairytale Land. But a quick note to David: Getting the women back is presumably going to involve a lot more than just throwing a chair or two. In other words, we’re expecting Jefferson just might come to the rescue.
Wherein Aurora Is Like, “How Long Did I Set The Snooze Alarm For?”
In this week’s Fairytale Land storyline — which was not a flashback — we meet Princess Aurora (a.k.a. Sleeping Beauty), Prince Philip, and Mulan. First, Philip awakens Aurora with a kiss, and then they proceed to make out a lot. And it’s romantic and all, but if we were Philip, we might say to Aurora, “Can you maybe brush your teeth before we do anymore kissing? Morning breath can get bad when someone’s asleep for a night, let alone a year.”
Philip valiantly protects them all from the wraith that enters their land through an underground portal, but he foolishly grabs the wraith’s talisman in his palm, which leaves a mark, not unlike that scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark where the crazy Nazi guy burns that medallion onto his palm. Sadly, Philip eventually gets his soul vacuumed up by the wraith. But, hey — at least his face didn’t melt off like the crazy Nazi guy’s did in Raiders of the Lost Ark, right?
It seems we’ll be seeing more of Mulan, which we’re all about, since she’s sort of a badass. We also wonder just how well she and Aurora will get along, what with the whole love triangle thing sorta going on. Clearly, Mulan had a thing for Philip, so we couldn’t help but feel sorry for her when Philip basically tells Aurora, “Don’t worry about Mulan — she’s just my ‘office wife.’”
Top Three Biggest Mysteries of the Night:
- Is Philip actually dead? We’re thinking not — since getting your soul sucked is supposedly “worse than death” — but we’re not yet sure what can reanimate him. We do know that there was only one wraith, and once it left Storybrooke through the hat, it ended up in Fairytale Land. Then, it sucked up Philip’s soul, kinda like someone would suck up a milkshake. (And now we’re suddenly in the mood for ice cream.)
Come to think of it, if the wraith could talk, we imagine it would have some witty catchphrase that it used every time it stole a soul. Something like, “Do you like apples? Well, I just sucked up your soul. How you like them apples?” But, y’know — wittier than that.
- In the very first scene, we meet a “Mysterious Man,” as the character is referred to on IMDB (way to keep things vague, IMDB!). But who is he? Our first guess would be Baelfire (aka, Rumple’s son). Then again, if that guy is in fact Baelfire, you’d think he would have inherited his father’s fashion sense and added a bit of color or perhaps a floral pattern to his suit-and-tie combo, as Mr. Gold always does. C’mon, Mysterious Man — take some sartorial risks!
So who sent him that “broken” postcard, which presumably tells him that the curse is broken? Well, we saw Charming send a message to Snow via pigeon last season, so maybe they’re involved with this one, too?
- Why is it that there’s still a safe haven in Fairytale Land that wasn’t ravaged by the aftermath of the curse? And does Regina really not know of this safe haven, or was she just bluffing by saying that Fairytale Land no longer existed?
And since we see Emma’s touch provided Regina with the ability to use magic, does this mean that Emma will have the magic touch needed to get herself and Mary Margaret home? Or perhaps all you have to do is find some ruby slippers and say, “There’s no place like home,” right? (Oops — that’s from a book, not a fairy tale! Our bad.)
Catch the next new episode of Once Upon a Time on Sunday, October 7 at 8 p.m. ET/PT on ABC.
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