Pretty Little Liars

Power Rankings from Episode 1.9, “The Perfect Storm”

Every week we'll rank the players in Pretty Little Liars based on how they fare in each episode to see who reigns supreme and who's totally rotten. This week, we were in for some last-minute study sessions, a hidden love note, and some seriously muddy footwear. Who came out on top and who's at the bottom of the heap? Let the fun begin!

Power Rankings from Episode 1.9, “The Perfect Storm”
Ranking: 9
Last week: 3
Pretty: We consider ourselves eternal optimists, and even we have trouble finding much good to say about Emily this week. She gets rejected by Alison, there are photos of her at the vandalized memorial site, and Wilden tells everyone about her feelings for Alison. Plus, Emily was lugging around pieces of the fountain, which seems like the most ill-advised use of a bag since that backpack that was used to carry dynamite on Lost.
Ugly: We can’t blame Emily for being embarrassed about a letter that she sent to Alison. Hey, we often wish that we could take back all those letters that we wrote to Jonathan Taylor Thomas back in the day (and by “back in the day,” we mean “last week”).

Ranking: 8
Last week: N/A
Pretty: Ella seems to really like him, which is flattering. We just hope that nothing romantic actually happens between the two of them. How can Ezra not know that this is a bad idea? Did he only watch the first half of The Graduate or something? Hey, Ezra: It doesn’t end well!
Ugly: It looks like Ezra is about to lose Aria to Noel, who isn’t the best musician in the world. Now Ezra knows how anyone who’s ever lost a girlfriend to Adam Duritz feels. (Seriously, Duritz — the dreadlocked frontman for the Counting Crows — has an unreal list of conquests, including Jennifer Aniston, Courteney Cox, Mandy Moore, and Emmy Rossum. The world is upside down.)

Ranking: 7
Last week: 1
Pretty: She calls out Mona for being mean to Lucas. Plus, Hanna got the satisfaction of knowing that Mona had paid good money for one of her hand-me-downs. For a girl like Mona — who would probably break out in hives upon entering a thrift store — that’s got to be tough. (Time for Mona to refill her prescription of penicillin!)
Ugly: She asks why Aria doesn’t want a boyfriend who she can “scratch and sniff”? Gross! We just realized that we really don’t want to know what else turns Hanna on!
Power Rankings from Episode 1.9, “The Perfect Storm”
Ranking: 6
Last week: 4
Pretty: He actually got Mona to stop hating him? He must have a way of achieving the impossible! Next, he’s going to tell us that his new pet is the snake from Anaconda.
Ugly: Why wouldn’t he just bring a change of clothes to the crime scene, in order to ditch his muddy footwear? We haven’t been in this much disbelief about a pair of shoes since those sneakers that made Lil Bow Wow into an all-star basketball player in the movie Like Mike.

Ranking: 5
Last week: 6
Pretty: Spencer and her mom finally had a great week, including that moment when Spencer’s mom defends the girls against Officer Wilden. Wilden should know better than to interrogate minors, since no one of that age is ready to handle the pressures of adulthood (no one besides Doogie Howser, that is).
Ugly: Spencer’s mom discourages people from eating garlic bread? Boring! Give in, Mrs. Hastings: Have a carb!

Ranking: 4
Last week: 7
Pretty: You gotta admire Noel for not knowing when to give up on Aria. You know the old saying: “If at first you get rejected, keep asking the person out on progressively more extravagant dates until she finally caves.” (Or something like that.)
Ugly: Did Noel seriously believe Aria’s claim that she had to ask Ezra some “homework questions”? If what Aria and Ezra have been doing is called “homework,” we’d afraid to ask what “extra credit” would be.
Power Rankings from Episode 1.9, “The Perfect Storm”
Ranking: 3
Last week: N/A
Pretty: Things should get interesting now that Ella’s working at her daughter’s school. (And was is it just us, or did Ezra seem to be receptive to her flirting?) Anyway, Ella might get to keep an eye on Aria, but we’re not sure that she’s gonna like what she sees!
Ugly: Is Ella seriously on the verge of losing her estranged husband to Ashley, a woman who can’t even afford her own jelly? (Note to Ashley: Maybe Smuckers has a payment plan that you can look into.)

Ranking: 2
Last week: 2
Pretty: By pursuing things with Noel, she’s finally found someone who isn’t risking prison time by dating her. Plus, we admire that Aria came to Emily’s aid after Emily’s feelings for Alison were revealed. But should anyone really be taking relationship advice from Aria? She’s not exactly the Dr. Drew of Rosewood Day.
Ugly: We see Spencer answering all of the practice questions for the SATs. Don’t you think that you should be preparing, too, Aria? We know that you’ve been able to hook up with your teacher this year, but we’re thinking that the school’s SAT proctor doesn’t seem to be quite as accommodating!

Ranking: 1
Last week: N/A
Pretty: The more we see of Alex, the more he reminds us of cookie dough ice cream: He’s just impossible to dislike. Not only is he perfect for Spencer, but he also showed compassion for her (extremely intoxicated) mom. And we don’t really envy that he was put in that position — this guy is being forced to keep as many medical secrets as Dr. 90210.
Ugly: So as part of his job at the club, in addition to his menial tasks, he also has to listen as random, middle-aged women tell him about their bouts with cancer? And all this time, we thought that drug mules had a bad gig, but we’re thinking that Alex’s job takes the cake!

12.19.2013 / 12:00 AM EDT by Ryan Gajewski
Related: Pretty Little Liars, Recaps

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