The Bachelor Premiere Recap: 27 Dresses, 1 (Juan) Tux
Credit: Craig Sjodin/ABC Television Group © 2013 Disney    

The Bachelor

The Bachelor Premiere Recap: 27 Dresses, 1 (Juan) Tux

Hear that noise? It's the sound of a singing guitar narrating Bachelor Juan Pablo Galavis' quest to find a muchacha. That's correct, the time has once again come for us to lay our heads on Chris Harrison's proverbial bosom and let him guide us on a journey to Bachelor Mansion, a harem filled with criminally insane women who are this close to getting a little pool-borne infection — of the heart, that is. Olé!

Before chatting about Juan Pablo's sister-wives, it should be known that Juan Pablo is so sad. Sí, señoritas, he's sad because he has an illegitimate love child and he just wants to find a step-mom for her so badly — which is presumably why he spends the first 10 minutes of this episode posing shirtless, making foot-love to a soccer ball, and wearing an anklet. Don't ask questions, just let "el bachelor" dribble his way into your heart.

Also, Juan Pablo definitely lives with his parents. Like, an old grey-haired man is seen wandering around his bachelor pad throughout this entire episode. And we're not talking about Sean "Perpetual Virgin" Lowe, who is let out of his jail cell long enough to dish some advice to Juan Pablo like "I had a lot of hard nights" (we’ll let our minds wander to forlorn fantasy suites).

Lacy Faddoul: This geriatric lover gifts Juan Pablo with a bottle of prescription pills from "Cupid's Pharmacy." Guys, these ladies haven't even been in Bachelor Mansion for five minutes and they're already using. In related news, we're now so worried that Chris Harrison is peddling prescription drugs through the shady business front known as "Cupid's Pharmacy."

Clare Crawley: Clare exits the limo grunting, so naturally we assumed she was having an orgasm brought on by breathing the same air space as Juan Pablo's nipples. Turns out she's pregnant, except PSYCH! She's actually just sporting a fake baby bump, as ya do when you're meeting your potential husband. For reasons that have yet to be explained, Juan Pablo is way too into Clare's bump, so for now we're going to assume he has a fetish.

Lauren Solomon: Poor Lauren was convinced by someone (looking at you, Chris Harrison, you evil genius, you) to wheel a giant piano up a hill. Her arrival was like watching The Little Engine That Could, except she totally couldn't. Not even a little bit. Let's hope Lauren plays Juan Pablo better than she plays piano.

Kelly Travis: Kelly shows up to Bachelor Mansion with a dog, who promptly rejects Juan Pablo and then wanders off into the great unknown. It's safe to assume that he was immediately eaten by Juan Pablo's bachelorettes, who haven't had a proper meal in years. Also, ABC lists Kelly's job as "Dog Lover." Questions. We have so many questions.

Lucy Aragon: This whimsical hippie comes dressed as a child bride and forgets to wear shoes. Lord knows how many fungal infections she caught just by walking barefoot on the Bachelor Mansion driveway, but it doesn't matter because her last name is Aragon as in Aragon from THE LORD of the RINGS. We expect her to break into Elvish at any moment.

Much like the ghosts of Bachelor past, Juan Pablo spends most of this episode hovering over votive candles, peering around curtains, and getting hoards of giggling girls drunk. Did you see how excited they were about that photobooth? They literally started clapping with glee at the prospect of taking selfies. Anyway, it's hard for Juan Pabz to pick a lady to bestow his first impression rose upon, but after spending copious amounts of time slow dancing, fast dancing, medium dancing, and trying to avoid getting doused in essential oils, he chooses Sharleen Joynt as the lucky recipient of his blooming flower after an illuminating conversation about weiners. Poor Juan Pabs is so excited about his sausage fest with Sharleen that he pretty much can't wait to give her his flower, but for some weird reason she's completely whatevs about their conversation and is just all "k sure." HOW DARE YOU, Sharleen. Get. Out.

Someone hand Lauren Higginson a tissue, because we can only assume she's wandering around David's Bridal sobbing into a wedding dress as we speak. In case you didn't hear the first three times she told this story, Lauren was abandoned by her former fiancé, and she spends most of the premiere tearfully rehashing their breakup in between drunken weeping sessions. Luckily, Juan Pablo eventually stumbles upon Lauren when she's this close to taking a votive candle and burning the whole mansion down, and he's forced to listen to her ramble about how insecure she is.

Despite their attempts to captivate Juan Pablo with their sparky cleavage and midwestern accents, Alexis Morgado, Amy Jokinen, Ashley Poe, Christine Llano, Kylie Lewis, Lacy Faddoul, Lauren Higginson, Maggie Gantt, and Val Eredia were deflowered. And not in a sexy way. We'll miss you, ladies! But Juan Pablo won't.