Credit: ABC Family

It’s a trap (door)! In this week’s Pretty Little Liars Season 4 winter premiere (“Who’s in the Box?”), Haleb is dunzo (nooo!!!), Aria needs to stay out of the basement, and Spencer's dad is closing down hospitals for no real reason.

Wherein Today Will Be Forever Known as “The Day Haleb Died.” Feel Free to Wear Black.

Can you give us a minute while we throw everything in sight across the room while screaming in fury about the fact that Caleb and Hanna are now officially over? We appreciate it. [Long pause while we throw many, many things.] Okay, we've stopped throwing things, in part because we're trying to move on. But also because we've run out of things to throw.

Yes, their breakup seemed likely to happen, given that Caleb is now getting cozy with his pal Miranda  and who could blame the guy for wanting to spend time with someone who is his hair twin, as Miranda is? (Yes, we've decided that “hair twin” is a thing. Just go with it.) Still, we give PLL some credit for giving Haleb a sweet parting of ways, as she hands him his coffee. Sigh.

And we're looking forward to seeing how the girls react to Hanna showing them Ali's diary. By the way, this might be the first book Hanna has read in a very long time.

Credit: ABC Family

Wherein Aria Makes a Ton of Bad Life Choices

Oh, Aria, Aria, Aria. If we had anything left to throw, we would have tossed it at the TV right when Aria smooched Ezra at the Creepy Cabin. Or when she accepted the key to said Creepy Cabin. Come to think of it, how many creepy cabins does this show have? Why can’t any of this show’s cabins be simple and boring — like, say, the cabin where Abraham Lincoln grew up?

We’ll admit to being 23% sure that we’d learn this week that Ezra is not actually “A.” So we’re happy that that didn’t happen, even though we still have a feeling he’s a double agent, a la Toby. However, Ezra gave off some seriously creepy mojo this week, between him eyeing that basement door, plus chatting ominously with Mona. We’re afraid of Ezra, even if Mona isn’t.

Wherein Spencer’s Dad Proves Again That He’s the Show’s Worst Dad — and That’s No Easy Task

Spencer’s storyline brings up a gajillion questions. Like, why does her dad want Radley closed? And why does he freak out at the mention of Mrs. Dilaurentis? Still, all the questions don’t really matter, as long as we get to watch Spoby kiss, like we did tonight. We may not have Haleb to swoon over anymore, but at least Spoby gets our motors running (but, y’know, not in a pervy way).

Oh, and by the way — we have one little request: This Toby’s-mom storyline needs to please vanish from the show already. It had already been getting tedious with the whole "Wilden cover-up" thing, but now we have a big, crooked corporation called Declodyne getting involved? Uh, since when did this show become a John Grisham novel?

Credit: ABC Family

Wherein Emily Talks a Lot About Ali. Like, a Lot.

Paige makes a very good point (and we don’t use those words all that often): Emily is talking way too much about Ali. Does this mean we’ll be seeing Emily and Ali becoming an item in the future? If that does happen, you can be sure that Pigskin will eventually get her revenge on Ali.

Clues:

— First thing’s first: We get that some fans are a bit underwhelmed about this week’s premiere. Still, we love all the new surprises, and we think the show is really setting up some crazy twists for later in the season. Okay, just had to get that out of the way. Proceed.

— What’s the significance of Sara Harvey, whose story is strikingly similar to Ali, as she disappeared from Cortland just after Ali did? It’s clear that Sara isn’t in Ali's casket, which makes us wonder if the twin theory is again a possibility, with Ali’s twin in there. And maybe Sara is the Black Widow, whom we saw at Wilden’s funeral?

— Is Ali living with her mom? Mrs. D claims that Ali visited her in a dream and told her to give Ashley Marin a job at her real estate company, but the fact that Ali’s mom keeps changing the bedsheets makes us think that she knows that Ali is staying with her. Either way, we wouldn’t want Mrs. Dilaurentis to be our boss.

— Spencer’s dad is always just a big ol’ bundle of freakiness, but the fact that he wants to close down Radley manages to up his normal level of freakiness by quite a lot. Plus, the way he tells Spencer that he does what’s best for his family makes us think he’s referring to a family member other than Spencer. Maybe this will somehow save Melissa from getting in trouble for something?

Credit: ABC Family

— If it were up to us, we wouldn’t open any doors in Rosewood that we didn’t have to. Still, we are very curious as to what is in that basement door, which “A” opens at the end of the episode. Did Ezra put something in there? Actually, we wouldn’t be surprised if Ezra found a way to lock Aria’s boyfriend Jake down there. Let him out, Ez!

— That conversation between Mona and Ezra is very hard to interpret. Do they both know what the other one is up to? And are they competing for control of the “A” team? Certainly, Ezra’s choice of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde seems to be a not-too-subtle clue about him having a hidden identity. But is that identity what we think it is? And why did he give the key to Aria?

— This isn't the first time we've seen "A" wearing Converse, as we saw tonight when "A" opens the basement door. But since we know Lucas is fan of Cons, we wonder if he'll be paying everyone a visit in the near future. We miss you, Lucas! But you might want to opt for a less-suspicious type of shoes. That's what Zappos is for, dude.

Other Things That Need to Be Discussed:

— All the girls displayed impeccable fashion sense this week, especially Hanna, who can wear a polka-dot top like nobody’s business. Seriously, we’re pretty sure Hanna wore no fewer than five pieces of clothing with some amount of polka dots on them tonight. The lady clearly likes dots.

— However, our favorite outfit of the week was that purple top that Mona wore early in the episode while she chatted with Hanna in the hallway. Come to think of it, it made her look kinda like a flight attendant in the ‘60s. Maybe Mona is handing out soda and peanuts on Duncan’s plane in her free time?

Catch the next episode of Pretty Little Liars on Tuesday, January 14, 2014 at 8 p.m. ET on ABC Family.