With this being the last episode until next week's summer finale, it was no surprise that it would be so frickin' awesome! In the episode, Hanna (Ashley Benson) chooses a terrible place to vomit (but is there ever an ideal place to vomit?); Mr. Hastings continues to challenge Jack Nicholson in The Shining for the title of "World's Creepiest Dad"; and Mike Montgomery (Cody Christian) physically fights with his mom for some reason (which reminds us that the first rule of mom-fighting club is: you don't talk about mom-fighting club). So let's get started, shall we?
At the start of the episode, entitled "I Must Confess," it's the middle of the night, and Emily (Shay Mitchell) is getting about as much sleep as an airplane passenger seated next to a screaming baby. The cause of Emily's latest freak-out? "A" has sent her what we'll politely refer to as a "compromising" photo of Aria (Lucy Hale) and Ezra (Ian Harding) (in other words, Hugh Hefner would be proud of "A"'s photography skills). "A" demands that Emily forward the scintillating pic to Ella (Holly Marie Combs), which causes Emily to rush out of the house and go running through the woods. (Only Emily would find a way to squeeze in some cardio at a time like this.)
The other girls panic that Emily has gone missing, but we're not really sure why this is out of the ordinary for them. (Translation: If we had a nickel for every time someone on this show went missing, we could have retired in the Bahamas by now.) We see Emily enter Dr. Sullivan's office, and lo and behold, her friends are already waiting for her! (Uh, how exactly did they know to meet her there? Did Emily check in using Foursquare or something?) The girls finally explain about "A" to their therapist, and when Dr. Sullivan asks if they know who "A" is, we felt like saying, "Asking for the identity of 'A' is like asking why Keanu Reeves is a movie star even though he can't really act. In other words, it will pretty much always be a mystery."
Meanwhile, it's Hanna's dad's rehearsal dinner, and Hanna is trying to be less self-absorbed around her new stepsis Kate. (We know what you're thinking: "Hanna be less self-absorbed? Sounds like an oxymoron.") So Hanna gives Kate a gift, but judging by the old book about horses that Hanna has picked out, Hanna apparently thinks that Kate is six years old. (What was Hanna's back-up gift idea? A bike with training wheels on it and streamers hanging down from the handles?)
Saying that Aria's family is having its own issues is putting it (ridiculously) mildly. Ella and Byron can't decide whether Mike should go on the crazy pills, and the two of them are arguing so much, they make Obama and Congress appear to be seeing eye-to-eye by comparison. Then, when Ella takes Mike's computer from him, he shoves her. We're still wondering, "Is anyone on this show capable of solving their problems with words?" (Somewhere, Gandhi just shed a single tear.)
While we're asking questions, does anyone else wish they could have grown up with Hanna's wise-cracking grandma, or is that just us? Her grandma is in town for the wedding, but saying that her grandma is excited about the wedding day is like saying that Wesley Snipes is excited about tax day. Nonetheless, Hanna and Kate manage to make nice and bond, mainly because Kate knows how to get on Hanna's good side:by offering her free booze. To kill their nerves about the toast they're about to give, the two girls play bartender and add a bit of the "liquid courage" to their lemonades. (We couldn't possibly have been the only ones to find Kate's behavior to be extremely suspicious at this point, right? We didn't think so.
Dr. Sullivan — bless her poor, naive heart! — wants to help the girls take "A" down, so she speaks to their classmates about the dangers of the internet and technology. (In related news, we're guessing that Dr. Sullivan has now been added to Bill Gates' list of enemies!) And she just happens to be speaking to a room full of "A" suspects, since Jenna (Tammin Sursok), Noel (Brant Daugherty), Lucas (Brendan Robinson), and Mona (Janel Parrish)were all listening at the time. Gulp! At any rate, "A" clearly didn't appreciate the little speech, since "A" then sends Dr. Sullivan a recording of Dr. Sullivan addressing the girls in her office. Dr. Sullivan freaks out and gets angry, but maybe she's just self-conscious to find out what her voice sounds like on tape? (We've been there.)
Dr. Sullivan tries to get the police to figure out who taped her conversation, as if the Rosewood police have ever once come even remotely close to solving a single case. Plus, Officer Garrett — who is not-at-all biased (wink, wink) — is there, too, and expecting Officer Garrett to legitimately help find "A" is sort of like someone on Sesame Street expecting the Cookie Monster to help track down who ate all their baked goods.
With Hanna off getting wasted on one of the most important days of her dad's life (what a sentimentalist, that Hanna is), her mom is left at home to wallow with Emily about how they're both sad and alone. Sounds like a party. (In fact, if anyone could use a drink right now, it would be Hanna's mom.) But Ms. Marin manages to cheer Em up enough that, next thing we know, Emily's out on a dinner date with Maya St. Germain (Bianca Lawson), the one-time love of Emily's life who has been gone so long, we're guessing she had to have been lost in the Bermuda Triangle or something. But she's back now, with her family living a short drive from Rosewood, and it seems that Emily and Maya might just be ready to pick up where they left off. (If we were Maya, we'd be more than a little miffed that Emily has dated, oh, about 500 different people since they last spoke. So it's a good thing we're not Maya.)
Spencer (Troian Bellisario) and Toby (Keegan Allen)are staking out the Dilaurentis house as usual, and the two start making out to pass the time, since apparently every girl on this show finds make-out sessions in cars to be the pinnacle of romance. (Translation: It's time to the raise the bar, ladies!) But then they notice two shadows in the upstairs window, so Spencer decides to make a bold (read: incredibly stupid) decision and barge into the house. (Was she really planning to break into yet another house? Not even the characters in Ocean's Eleven did this much sneaking around.) But just before she can bust down the door a la Dirty Harry, Spencer runs into someone who is just leaving the house: Her dad! Say what? (And we thought our last family reunion was awkward.)
Spencer's dad screams at Toby, but then later tries his best to explain himself to Spencer. Of course, if you ask us, Spencer's dad's story has about as many holes in it as a pair of jeans that a grunge rocker would have worn in the mid-'90s. Anyway, Mr. Hastings claims he was hired by the Dilaurentis family to change Ali's grandma's will, since Jason had been cut out of the will just before her death, making him seem like a prime suspect. Mr. Hastings claims he could get royally screwed (sorry to use such complicated attorney jargon) for what's done, leading Spencer to realize that the Dilaurentis family clearly has something big on him. (Seriously, is no one on show this to be trusted? What gives!)
Hanna winds up getting so plastered that she blows chunks all over Isabel's wedding dress (classy!), which was all part of evil Kate's devious plan. (Then again, if Hanna had witnessed Jenna and Garrett making out earlier in the episode after Jenna spit out a bunch of cherry pits — as Toby unfortunately had to see — then Hanna may have thrown up even sooner, like we almost did!) Hanna's dad is furious, but it's her hilarious, Sherlock Holmes-channeling grandma who realizes that Kate was just pouring water into her own glass, making it seem like Hanna got drunk on her own. (If only Hanna's grandma had passed her intellect down to Hanna, then maybe Hanna would crack open a book more often than once every leap year.)
Finally, Dr. Sullivan goes through the police files about Ali's case and realizes that she knows who "A" is! So naturally, Dr. Sullivan keeps that information totally to herself, and instead asks the girls to meet her while she hangs out in the middle of the night, all alone. Not a wise decision. When the girls get to where they were supposed to meet Dr. Sullivan, she has disappeared, apparently yet another victim of "A." But at least this provides a small clue as to who "A" might be. Could "A" be a former patient of hers, or perhaps a friend? (In other words, it's very generous of us to refer to this as a "clue," but we take what we can get.)
So that's that. If anything, we're hoping that all the mysteries that arose this week might mean that we'll get a few juicy answers during next week's finale. Of course, we're still hoping to get an answer to the biggest mystery of them all: Why does Keanu Reeves keep making movies? (Maybe Hanna's grandma can figure that one out for us, too!)