We wanted answers in tonight's Pretty Little Liars mid-season finale, and we certainly got them! The thrilling episode involved a visit from a ghost (we're guessing Charles Dickens would be proud); a break-up that was more shocking than J.Lo and Marc Anthony; and the reveal of Ali's murderer and murder weapon! Let's just say that a shovel hasn't been used this violently since the ending of the film, Home Alone. (Come to think of it, our girls could learn a thing or two from Macaulay Culkin's character in that movie. Maybe they could get "A" to step on some glass ornaments? Just a thought.)
The episode, entitled "Over My Dead Body," was told in flashbacks, and we were constantly being informed of how much time had elapsed via subtitles — seriously, there were more subtitles than a Jackie Chan movie (but fewer people got karate-chopped). It was reunion time, as Caleb returns (and oh, how we've missed him!) to join Hanna for the Wedding From Hell — but first they mainly just make out a whole bunch. And can you blame the poor girl? It's been an awfully long drought.
Speaking of long-lost loves, Emily thinks she's on a date with Maya — who herself is back from a crazy-long stay at that sorta-creepy juvie camp — but Maya says they should try being friends first. Burn! (Maybe Maya's camp was actually a nunnery?)
Spencer gets a surprise present in her kitchen, and let's just say that it's not a plate full of freshly baked cookies or anything. Instead, it's a crate from "A," and it's ginormous — seriously, it's so big, we're thinking that "A" bought it off of the guy who shipped King Kong over to New York.
Inside the crate are three dolls, each corresponding to one of the girls (don't feel left out, Em — you'll get your doll soon enough!), with a demand that must be satisfied, or else the recently-departed Dr. Sullivan will die. And if we were the girls, we would have thought, "Well, it sucks if Dr. Sullivan dies, but at least then we won't have to pay our bill." Let's face it, people — therapy ain't cheap!
Okay, so when it comes to the list of "worst presents ever," these creepy dolls are even worse than getting socks from your grandma — although they are slightly better gift than those smallpox-covered blankets that the colonists gave to the Native Americans back in the day. (Too soon?) Long story short, the girls reluctantly decide to obey the messages from each of their dolls.
That means Aria has to confront Ezra's ex Jackie — who stills wants Ez and his adorably curly locks all to herself — about the fact that Jackie copied someone else's paper. (Uh, didn't the show already cover the whole "stolen paper" plotline with Spencer last season? Maybe recycling its old storylines is the show's way of going green?) And of course Jackie doesn't take the news well, as she shows up on Aria's doorstep and threatens to reveal Aria and Ezra's relationship, which would get him fired. Clearly, Jackie is not afraid to hurt the ones she loves. (And how did Ezra ever fall for this chick?)
Spencer's doll tells her to keep Toby safe, and since Toby recently had his brakes tampered with by someone who presumably knows a lot about cars (in other words, we're thinking that Jay Leno could be a suspect), Spencer realizes she has to dump Toby. And we're like, "Noooo!" They have quite possibly been our favorite couple on the show this season. But sure enough, Spence confesses that she can't tell Toby why her dad was at the Dilaurentis house, and so it's Splitsville for those two, even though Toby still loves her. Give us a minute — we're still brushing away about a million tears.
And then what do ya know? The ridiculously tenacious Wren — who probably has as good a chance at becoming Spencer's boyfriend as Vin Diesel has at becoming an Oscar-winner — is there to seize the opportunity, giving Spence a ride home and then promptly kissing her. Apparently, as sneaky British guys go, Wren is more conniving than Hannibal Lecter.
The girls are starting to freak out that Emily never showed up to the wedding (but then again, when it comes to the must-attend wedding of the season, watching Mr. Marin get remarried is not exactly like scoring an invite to Kim Kardashian's nuptials). As it turns out, Emily had tried to drive to the wedding, but there's a doll in her backseat, and Em then gets instructions from an even-bossier-than-usual GPS voice, leading Em to Dr. Sullivan. And sure, that is pretty far-fetched, but even more far-fetched is that the Emily's GPS doesn't constantly freeze up and say that it's "recalculating" every 15 seconds. Apparently, not even Steve Jobs can make GPS systems that work as well as "A" can.
Hanna's doll instructs her to break up her dad's wedding, which Hanna doesn't want to do, since her dad has now forgiven her for puking on the wedding dress (side note to Hanna: a wedding dress is supposed to be white, not green). And things had been starting to go Hanna's way, especially with Caleb tossing in that awesome line about Kate having back fat. (We knew we loved this guy!)
But Hanna finally gets coerced into interrupting the wedding ceremony, pulling Isabel aside to say that Hanna's dad and mom had been exchanging more than alimony payments, if you know what we mean. Also, did Hanna really have to explain to Isabel what the term "hooking up" means? (In other words, if Hanna has a better vocabulary than you do, then you should probably be concerned.)
After ruining her dad's wedding (and basically ensuring that her dad won't get laid again for the rest of the decade), Hanna is given Emily's whereabouts from "A." But the girls arrive too late, since Emily has already managed to wander into a barn containing an idling car, where she gets trapped and collapses. It's at this time that Emily apparently gets a visit from a ghost. Sadly, she isn't given a pottery lesson by a shirtless hunk with a mullet (like in the film Ghost), but instead sees Alison Dilaurentis!
Ali tells her that Em was her favorite of the girls, that she knows who "A" is, and then she even quotes a line from the show's theme song (talk about meta!). Ali tells Em to choose to stay with her or to rejoin the world, but Emily apparently chooses the world. We don't blame her — who would voluntarily choose to spend five minutes with a bitch like Ali, let alone the rest of eternity?
The girls finally arrive, and Emily is convinced that Alison is still alive and that she actually spoke to her. (In other words, Emily hallucinations sound crazier than the ones from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. If we had been the girls, we would have been like, "We'll have what she's having.") The girls then notice a conveniently placed shovel, which has some random numbers on it. (Random numbers? What show is this — Lost?)
The girls follow the coordinates on the shovel and start digging (and we would have been thinking, "Please be a pot of gold, please be a pot of gold..."). The girls hope to dig up Dr. Sullivan, but instead they just find some shoes and a mask. And suddenly, Ashton Kutcher runs out and yells, "You've been Punk'd!"
Okay, so it isn't Ashton Kutcher — because apparently he has a new show of his own these days, not that it seems to be getting much press (that was sarcasm, people) — but the girls have indeed been duped. They're suddenly surrounded by the police and get hauled to the station (but considering how often the girls end up having to spend the night at this police station, they might as well start leaving a toothbrush and a change of clothes there). And it turns out that the person behind this scheme is newly reinstated Detective Wilden (who was not exactly the girls' biggest fan in Season 1, to put it unbelievably mildly).
And then basically the entire town shows up to visit the girls at the police station. Aria uses her phone call to contact Ezra, so he shows up, only to be confronted by Ella. Ella tells Ezra that he has to leave town, but she's still convinced he's dating Spencer, which leaves Ezra about as confused as we are when we try to watch the movie Inception. (And is the Mike storyline seriously all wrapped up? That was it? Talk about pointless!)
Jason Dilaurentis is at the station as well, and Spencer's dad is furious when he sees him. The two of them establish that Jason didn't actually kill Ali, and then they refer to some kind of secret that is being kept from Spencer. Which forces us to ask: Could Spencer's dad also be Jason's dad, too? (If so, Thanksgiving dinner at the Hastings household is about to be more awkward than ever!)
Detective Wilden tells the girls that the shovel they were using to dig with that night was actually the murder weapon that was used to kill Ali. Wait, hold on a sec — so the police officers have an incredibly valuable piece of evidence, and so they leave it lying around for the girls to dig with and potentially damage? No wonder this police force can never catch anyone!
And just who was responsible for using that shovel on Ali, if it wasn't Jason? Turns out it was Jenna and Officer Garrett! We knew that Jenna was creepy, but we never thought she'd turn out to be a cold-blooded killer. Heck, we just thought her main flaws were being angry at the girls about her accident, and for having questionable taste in men. (Just a side note: Yes, we realize that it's quite an understatement to refer to sex with your brother as "questionable." You don't have to get the wrong idea about us or anything.)
As the credits roll, we get one final clue, as we see a frightened Dr. Sullivan take an envelope from "A" in a restaurant, and then a waitress refers to "A" as "pretty eyes." So we're guessing that "A" is female, right? (We're also guessing that means that "A" is not Jenna, since that would be a pretty messed-up thing to say to a blind person, dontcha think?) And that's that — the last clue we'll get until the show returns in what feels like approximately 20 years from now. But at least this was quite the juicy finale! And when the show returns, we can see if the girls ever get a chance to cover "A" in tar and feathers, like Macaulay Culkin does to those burglars in Home Alone.