Oh say, can you see? In this week’s episode of Pretty Little Liars (Season 2, Episode 24: “If These Dolls Could Talk”), we meet the creepiest little boy since The Shining; Jenna (Tammin Sursok) kills more flies than frogs do; and Aria (Lucy Hale) gives Mr. Fitz something that’s way better than an apple.
Wherein Aria and Ezra (Finally!) Find a Way to Ease Some Tension
Seriously — how patient has Ezra (Ian Harding) been in terms of waiting for sex with Aria? (Translation: How blue have the poor guy’s balls gotten over the past 1.5 years? We’re thinking they were close to the shade of Smurf skin by now.) It feels like Ezra had to wait longer than Steve Carrell did in The 40-Year-Old Virgin.
Regardless, the moment in which Ezra and Aria finally “get busy” was as passionate and smokin’ hot as we would have hoped. (Good thing Aria was wearing her sexy lace cami and not a pair of granny panties.) But we only wish that happier news had been the reason for their, um, “horizontal merger.” After Aria threatens to go public with her dad’s affair (oh, snap!), Ezra learns that he’s getting the axe from Hollis, which might mean leaving Rosewood. Gasp!
Basically, Rosewood without Ezra is like an ice cream truck that only sells popsicles made from real fruit juice. (In other words, it just ain’t the same.) And speaking of ice cream, maybe if Aria does get shipped off to Vermont, she can pick us up some Ben and Jerry’s from the source? Thanks a bunch, Aria!
Wherein Emily Realizes That Nobody Likes a Tattletale
Remember how Maya (Bianca Lawson) and Emily (Shay Mitchell) seemed perfect for each other only a matter of weeks ago? So much for that! After we see that snarky text that Maya sends Em, we realize that this is probably the fastest that a couple has ever fallen apart in the history of couples (or at least for a couple that didn’t involve someone with the last name of Kardashian).
Wherein Ali Drops By Spencer’s Place for a Chat... And a Pill (Or Five)
Alison (Sasha Pieterse) is back from the dead, like Bill Cosby in Ghost Dad! Well, sorta... more on that in a minute. (And we apologize for bringing up bad memories of a terrible film like Ghost Dad.)
But we hope Spencer (Troian Bellisario) isn’t expecting a thank-you note from Ali for those pain pills that she swiped, since Ali doesn’t strike us as the thank-you-note type. And let’s get this straight: Ali doesn’t close doors or put lids back on bottles? Uh, is she a four-year-old? (If only someone could invent a medicine bottle that was Ali-proof.)
Leave it to Spencer to figure out that Ali and “A” were communicating via the classified ad in the paper, and that they had planned to meet at 235 Spruce St. But what did that mean, since there is no 235? And does anyone actually use the classified ads in the newspaper anymore? (Ever heard of Craigslist, Ali?)
Instead, the address just gets the girls close to the creepy doll hospital again, where they meet a sassy older woman and a grandson, a clairvoyant candy-lover named “Baby Seth” who said Vivian was looking for that voodoo doll, and that a man and a non-blind woman with dark hair wanted to hurt her. And hear we thought that the Sixth Sense kid was the creepiest little boy ever. (And a note to Seth: Next time, how about asking for a lollipop for us, too?)
And why is it that Melissa (Torrey DeVitto) just gets more and more suspicious? What was in that heavy box that she and Garrett were carrying? Plus, we have one word to describe Melissa kissing Garrett (Yani Gellman), and that word is “vomitous.” Seriously — Melissa is worse at picking guys than Rihanna is.
Wherein Hanna Provides Caleb With a New Meaning of the Phrase, “The Kiss of Death”
Remember when Al Gore gave his wife a really long kiss at the Democratic National Convention in 2000, and it was kind of like watching two robots pretending to be human? Well, we always thought that was the Most Awkward Kiss Ever, but it looks like we have a new contender! In fact, this week’s kiss between Caleb (Tyler Blackburn) and Mona (Janel Parrish) was so frigid that it caused nearby birds to start migrating south.
But it looks as though the kiss fooled at least one person, since Hanna indeed receives a text from “A,” informing her that Caleb is kissing her BFF. However, was Melissa really the guilty texter, as Hanna assumed? And by the way, for those of you keeping track, Caleb and Mona’s kiss in the car was PLL’s “Car Make-Out Session #2,376.”
In other words, this show needs to find some new places besides cars for people to make out. Why not try other modes of transportation? (Like, “Did you see Caleb and Mona hooking up in that hot-air balloon?,” or “Can you believe Garrett and Melissa were totally going at it in his blimp?”)
Hanna cracked us up when she oh-so-subtly asks Jenna, “Can you see or not?” But that was the million-dollar question this week, since Jenna apparently lied to Tob (Keegan Allen) and the girls by claiming that she couldn’t see when she could. What we want to know is: Has she been able to see all along? And the other thing we want to know is: What does she plan to do with all those designer sunglasses of hers? Because if they’re up for grabs, then we totally call dibs!
- Talk about a clue-packed and eye-opening (get it — “eye-opening”?) episode! It’s hard to say what the biggest clue was, but for our money, we’ll go with the fact that Ali is still alive (or has a still-living twin) and visited Spencer, in addition to previous visits to Hanna (in the hospital bed) and Emily (near the barn). But Alison’s quote about Yahtzee made us wonder how often she would ever sit down and play board games. (We’re thinking not that often.)
- Ali tell Spence that she’s getting “warmer” and that she shouldn’t miss what’s “parked” right in front of her. This “parked” comment seems to refer to something that’s still in that bag of Ali’s stuff. But could it also be a car reference, as in someone who is sometimes parked in a car who is up to something, like Garrett or Melissa? C’mon, Ali — we need more info than that!
- Perhaps the biggest shocker of the night was the revelation that Jenna can in fact see, and that she doesn’t even need to wear one of those weird visor things that LeVar Burton’s blind character wore on Star Trek: The Next Generation. Presumably, her surgery worked, although we wonder whether she’s been able to see all this time. Either way, it’s hard to know which thing Jenna hates more, Ali or flies.
- Jenna tells the girls that she isn’t the one that they need to be afraid of, and the girls wonder if she means Melissa or Garrett. It’s really hard to make much sense of this comment, although given how sinister Jenna was in lying about her vision and pretending to not know that the paper she gave Toby was “page 5” of the autopsy report, we’re thinking Jenna herself is worth fearing.
- The third-biggest shocker (the shockers just kept coming!) was Garrett getting arrested for Ali’s murder and being asked to hand in his weapon. It doesn’t appear that Garrett has gotten in trouble for the fire at Jason’s place last week, despite a badge being left at the house, but rather Jenna has gotten him busted with that autopsy page. What could have happened between Jenna and Garrett that caused her to rat him out like this?
- We doubt Melissa is “A,” since that’s too obvious, but it’s still hard not to side with Hanna in that regard. Has Melissa really seen incriminating videos of the girls, or was she just bluffing to keep Spencer from sharing that “murder video” with the (actual) police? And we say the “actual police” because someone like Officer Reynolds is about as legitimate a cop as, say, a stripper who’s hired to dressed as a cop at a bachelorette party. (And just so you’re not confused at any future parties, we don’t think that someone can actually be arrested for being “dangerously sexy.”)
- We continue to feel uneasy about Mona, as the show reminds us again this week that Mona knows a thing or two about cell phones. And it’s a little strange that Mona is getting texts from “A” but Hanna isn’t, causing us to wonder if Mona is sending them to herself as a bluff. Then again, “A” works in mysterious ways.
- If Mona is indeed “A,” it would make sense that she’d be trying to break up Hanna and Caleb, since she’s been jealous of Caleb since Day One. And it’s entirely possible that Mona waited until no one was looking and then texted Hanna as “A” about that kiss with Caleb, in order to make it seem like Melissa was the one who sent that text. (Um, the next time Hanna needs someone to kiss Caleb, can we volunteer? Pretty please?)
- Of course, anytime that “A” tries to break up Hanna and Caleb, we can’t help but think that Lucas is somehow involved. Lucas hasn’t been around lately, but that doesn’t mean he’s off the hook that easily.
- Are we to believe that the little creepster named Seth can actually see the future, or was he just being bribed to tell the girls that it was a man and a not-blind woman who were after Ali? Then again, given that Jenna is no longer blind, we suppose she could also be the “woman” whom Seth is describing. Now, if only everyone on this show could be bought off with giant lollies.
Other Things That Need To Be Discussed:
- Is there a cheesier song to have playing during your “first time” than Chris Isaak’s “Wicked Game”? We doubt it, although this version by Gemma Hayes was indeed lovely (which slightly made up for the sleazy song choice).
- We’re frankly not sure what the girls were thinking when they got to that doll hospital at night when it was closed, and yet they still pushed the door open and snuck in. Haven’t they seen enough horror movies to know that sneaking into dark, abandoned buildings is a major no-no?
- How messed-up was that bloody Ali doll that kept saying, “Follow me, end up like me”? Back when we were kids, the worst thing that dolls ever did was provide girls with unhealthy body images. Ah, the good old days. (And yes, we’re still bitter about you, Barbie.)
- But seriously, how good was this episode?! We cannot freakin’ wait for next week’s! In the meantime, who’s up for some Yahtzee?
Watch the Pretty Little Liars Season 2 finale on Monday at 8 pm ET/PT on ABC Family.
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